Okay, so 2016 pretty much blew fucking chunks, but luckily for you it’s a brand new year and we can put all that bullshit behind us… maybe… sort of… unless you’re David Bowie, Prince, George Michael, or Carrie Fisher… or… (insert endless list of really cool people who bit it in 2016).

At any rate, you survived and that makes you vastly ahead of the game and ready to get on with your brand new year which I’m sure will be great. Shhhh… I’m in denial still, just be quiet and let me live in my fantasy world where some orange fuckwit didn’t just get elected president.

Here are some things I’m looking forward to in 2017.

5. Being Smarter than the President

Donald Trump frown

You really have to wonder about the sanity of someone who takes SNL seriously.

Fine, he’s president, but it isn’t all bad. Coughyesitiscough. I’m sorry, I think I’ve developed a slight cold in the new year so just bear with me. I mean, look on the bright side.

Coughthereisnonewe’reallfuckedcough. Think about the amazing confidence boost this just gave a great many people. Coughwellhalfofthemtheotherhalfareallclearlyretardedcough. You just got very clear confirmation that not only are you smarter than half of the population, coughtheotherhalfprobablycan’treadsoI’massumingyoudidn’tvoteforhimcough, but you’re currently smarter than the president of the United States of America which is a pretty cool thing to be able to accurately claim.

Coughunlessyouvotedforhimandthenyou’reinforarudeawakeningabouthowfuckingstupidyouactuallyarecough. Seriously though, in 2017 everyone’s a winner because either you voted for him and won, coughwhatthefuckiswrongwithyoupeoplecough, or you didn’t vote for him and you’re now 100% sure you can probably do the hardest job in America better than the person who currently holds the position, so you probably have very little to worry about at your current job. I’m sure you’ll be fine this year, coughwe’realldoomedcough.

Oh, one more thing, you can’t say I didn’t warn you about this dick last year. CoughandVladimirPutintoocough.

4. Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi

I think there are a few things we Star Wars fans can all agree on. First, we’re all looking forward to December 15th 2017, because that is the official release date of Episode VIII. Second, we’re all going to find out who Rey’s father is, echoing the big parental reveal in Episode V and because there’s no way they’ll drag that on any longer. Third, it’s going to be fucking awesome.

We had a big loss in 2016 with the death of Carrie Fisher (R.I.P.P.), but if Rogue One has taught us anything, it’s that these characters are timeless regardless if they’re alive or not… thanks to CGI. Besides, I read that Carrie Fisher had wrapped all of her filming for Episode VIII before she died so we really won’t get to see zombie Carrie Fisher until Episode IX. At the time of this writing, not much is known about this film, including the title, but one thing is for certain: as fucked as things are here on this planet, things are much worse in a galaxy far far away.

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May the force be with us all.

3. Even More Video Games

Mario Kart 8 video game box

Sure, I maybe a little behind the times, but that’s just me being Mii.

Remember back in 2014 when I was excited to get a PS3 and you all learned how utterly behind the times I was with this stuff, since you likely have a PS4? Well I’m happy to inform you that not much has changed with me, because I just bought a Wii U.

Yes, I know you’re all likely excited about the upcoming release of the Nintendo Switch, but I seem to never be on the cutting edge of these things and tend to pick them up fucking years later. Maybe one day I’ll catch up, but seriously, who has the time with all the great games out there that are now less than ten bucks?

I’m happy to report that Mario Kart 8 is ridiculously fun, Metroid Trilogy is still epic, The Legend of Zelda series is wildly entertaining and Mario is still Super, however I’m sure you all knew that already. Maybe in a couple years I’ll be telling you about my PS4 while you’re all talking about the PS5.

Regardless, I’m looking forward to catching up on some timeless favorites and maybe when I’m 98 years old and can barely move we can have an up-to-date conversation on the most recent video game console, because I won’t be able to do much of anything else but sit in a chair and play video games all day.

2. Whatever Elon Musk Comes Up with Next

Elon Musk SpaceX, Tesla, SolarCity

Whatever global disaster Donald Trump will likely cause, I suspect this guy will likely end up undoing it.

Admittedly, I don’t know much about this guy other than what Wikipedia has to offer, but from what I’ve seen so far Elon Musk seems to be everything people thought that prick Steve Jobs was, but was actually woefully mistaken about. Other than the fact that things keep literally bursting into flames around him – his rockets, his cars, his marriages – he seems to be on the cutting edge of technology and innovation.

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However, the notable difference between this guy and Jobs, other than the fact that Elon Musk is actually responsible for the inventions and not just simply taking credit for them, is the motivation behind developing new and exciting advances in society. Elon genuinely seems to be trying to make the world a better place and not just trying to line his own pockets and that is something I can get behind and respect.

With everything that’s going on in the world today and all of the cluster-fucks that seem to be evolving around us, it’s nice to know that there are some people in the world actually trying to make a difference in a positive way. At the very least, if the world goes to shit, it’s nice to know there is someone with a Mars backup plan.

1. Laughing More

Let’s face it, 2016 was downright depressing in every way, which is why I’m looking forward to laughing more in 2017 than I did in 2016. I mean, at this point there’s nothing much to do but sit back and just laugh at all the cockups that are happening all around us.

What will make this even easier though is the return of Dave Chappelle and Larry David. That’s right, you read that correctly, Dave Chappelle is back with a new comedy special on Netflix, not to mention two previously unreleased shows from his vault, and Larry David is back five years later with Season 9 of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Not only that, but Chris Rock is back doing standup and Kevin Hart is launching a new comedy channel. If you’re a fan of international comedy Gad Elmaleh (the French Seinfeld) has two new standup specials coming to Netflix and Ross Noble is still touring Brain Dump which I highly recommend. Not for nothing, but Noble is rapidly climbing the list of my all-time favorite comedians, giving Eddie Izzard a serious run for his money, and not just because Noble may very well be my long lost twin brother that I didn’t even know I had.

Yes, it’s shaping up to be a great year for laughs, and I’m talking about the kind of great that involves “laughing at children being attacked by monkeys in comfortable trousers.”

So there you have it, those are some of the things that I’m looking forward to in 2017. Happy New Year everyone! What are some of the things you’re looking forward to this year?

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