When I was a child, my dad begrudgingly became my morning alarm. I hated alarm clocks. I would constantly sleep through them. But somehow, my dad did the trick. He was a damn good alarm. Every morning at precisely 7:15, he would come barging into my room screaming like a human synthesizer to wake me up or school. Hell, he did a better job than any heavy metal tone:


Ten minutes later, I would hear him bellowing from downstairs. “ARE YOU UP YET?!”

I still wasn’t awake. Like a comedian who gets a warning light, my unconscious self was far too involved with my dream to pay attention to something as pedestrian as time.

For as long as I can remember, this was a struggle. Even now, my morning alarm is still my best and worst frenemy. But sadly, I need them in my life. Unfortunately, I’m an adult and I can no longer rely on my dad to wake up me every morning. That would be insane. Instead, I have multiple alarms set over the course of an hour. Is it excessive? Maybe. But each alarm has its own purpose.

6:30: If there’s one thing I learned from my first alarm clock…I mean my dad…it’s to give yourself plenty of buffer time. The first alarm is a signal to my mind to wrap things up.

6:40: Sometimes dreams are too interesting to wake up from easily. When you’re deep into a dream that you’re fighting monsters alongside Harry Potter, how can you wake up from that? The church bell setting has a more ominous tone that resonates and wakes me.

6:45: Imagine you were just about to find out what was behind a door when BAM! You’re back in reality. This alarm, strategically set for five minutes later, is a safety net for when I must dive back into my head to find out the ending.

6:55: I don’t normally exercise, so I try to fit in time to work out whenever I can, even while I’m in bed draped in blankets and comforters I should tell you about my lunges on the way to the bathroom, but that's another story. Anyways, lying on my back I do some strenuous finger movements and some pretty hardcore toe stretches.

7:00: After all that exercise I need a break, so I allow myself to burrow into the pillows and dive into social media. Usually this is where I see certain a roommate’s complaining about my alarms. “CAN YOU TURN THAT DAMN THING OFF ALREADY?!”

7:07: Inevitably I’ll end up getting angry at something I read on Twitter. This is a reminder to calm down and watch a video of a cute animal to relax my mind for the day.

7:15: I’ve always had this alarm in honour of my paternal alarm clock. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him barging into my room every morning like a stampede. This one is for you, dad.

7:20: Now the heavy metal comes on, much to my roommate’s chagrin, to force me to really get my shit together and get out of bed. But the blaring heavy metal music is nothing compared to my dad’s incessant shouting.

7:22: Seriously, stop thinking about your dad. Just get out of bed. But I want more cat videos. I deserve them!

7:25: This one is strategically set for three minutes later because I knew I would turn off the previous one and go back to bed. Now, I truly rise, setting my non-celestial feet on the floor, and begin my day.

7:30: At this point, I’m diving into my daily mixture of berries, yogurt and granola when my final alarm goes off, with my roommate still yelling from the other room.

There’s no need for this one either, other than to pay homage to my dad’s bellowing from downstairs. Thanks for everything, dad. You are the world’s first and best alarm clock.