Monday, 11:45pm

A stray sock is found loitering in the bathroom sink. When asked what he is doing out at this time of night, the subject stonewalls the Occupant. The Occupant takes the sock into custody, depositing it back into the chest-of-drawers located in the southwestern corner of his bedroom. No report filed.

Tuesday, 1:17am

A long trail of dirt is seen extending from the hallway into the living room. The Occupant discovers the dirt comes from a plant the Occupant did not realize he owned that he had likely knocked over at an earlier date. The plant is taken to the morgue dumpster. No report filed.

Tuesday, 7:42am

A strange, possibly toxic smell, is detected emanating from the general direction of the kitchen. After an initial search of the premises, a half-eaten tin of sardines is found idling beneath the sink. The expiration date is illegible, though the font on the torn edge of the package most likely dates it to the early 2010s. A review of the case reveals the Occupant had been under the mistaken impression there was a paper bag functioning as a garbage can in the area, though a follow-up proves such a hunch to have been unfounded. The offending tin of sardines is summarily executed thrown out with extreme prejudice. Report filed.

Wednesday, 6:17pm

The Occupant arrives home from work to find the pile of laundry located in the far corner of the hallway appears to have grown a solid three feet in height from the previous day. The investigation is still pending, though early evidence suggests the laundry had likely not been tended to in upwards of six weeks, which means the occupant’s version of events is not to be trusted. Occupant’s Girlfriend was interviewed by telephone later on that night, and she said, on the record, that it drives her crazy that every time the occupant runs out of clean clothes, he simply goes to the local mall and purchases more. Further, she stated that it is her guess that what might appear to be dirty laundry may actually be two bean bags the Occupant had once thought looked good as dining room chairs. It should be noted, however, that the Girlfriend had an edge to her voice throughout the interview, and appeared, at one moment, to suggest the apartment should be condemned under Section VIII, Article 72, of the Federal Housing Code. Therefore, she may also be absolutely telling the truth a potentially biased witness. Report filed.

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Friday, 11:12pm

The Occupant steps into the shower and finds the word “HELP” written in a filmy, gold substance on the wall. The only explanation the Occupant can come up with is that the bar of Dial soap that has been living alone in the shower since the previous February, was trying to contact those who might be sympathetic to its cause. After the Occupant washes off the offending word, he drives down to the local gas station and purchases a Three-in-One Shampoo, Conditioner, and Body Wash to partner with the bar of soap. However, upon returning home, the soap appears to have made its escape, and is nowhere to be found. Report Filed.

Saturday, 10:36pm

The Girlfriend of the Occupant calls 911 upon entering the apartment and hearing noises coming from the back room, just off the deck. Given that she is alone, and it is dark, she does not enter the apartment any further to investigate. The first officers on the scene enter the apartment, their weapons drawn, turn on the lights, and move slowly towards the noises. Upon turning the corner, they discover two raccoons eating the last vestiges of a pumpkin pie. While the officers are on the scene, the Occupant comes home and states that he often leaves food for the raccoons in that particular area. When asked why he doesn’t leave the food outside, the Occupant responds by saying that the backdoor hasn’t fully closed in years and besides, the raccoons seemed friendly enough. The reporting officer would like to add that both raccoons looked large enough to play defensive line for the Green Bay Packers. Animal Control is called, but upon hearing estimates of the respective sizes of the raccoons in question, they suggest we employ saturation bombing contact a wild game hunter instead. Report filed.

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Saturday, 10:47pm

With officers still on the scene, a disagreement occurs between the Girlfriend and the Occupant. The crux of the disagreement seems to be concerning the fact that the only items in the Occupant’s refrigerator are a box of chocolate chip cookies, a half-empty bottle of Arrowhead water, and what, at one point, appears to have been a banana, though now more closely resembles a poor woodworking of some kind of rare bird. The officers help broker an agreement where the Occupant agrees to hire professional cleaners to come to the apartment twice a month. No report filed. Relationship likely saved, pending Occupant’s following through on his promise to shape-up.

Sunday, 9:55am

The Occupant begins his own thorough cleaning of his apartment. Girlfriend refuses to help, instead deciding to go to the Farmer’s Market and then to a yoga class. At one point the Occupant checks the registration papers expiration date on a carton of unsalted almonds in the cardboard. The almonds were found to have been here illegally expired two years ago, and are walked off the premises and deposited into a waiting squad car trash can. After completing a thorough patrol sweep of the area, which required 7 man hours, 16 bags of trash, 18 SOS pads, and a broom borrowed from the next door neighbor, the Occupant discovers the following items he either did not know he still owned or had not seen in years:

  1. A coffee table
  2. A brand-new pair of high-top sneakers
  3. A set of unopened silverware
  4. His Social Security card
  5. His birth certificate
  6. The spare set of keys to his apartment he had been insisting for months to his girlfriend that he would give her as soon as he found them
  7. A first edition of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby

Monday, 10am sharp

The cleaners arrive at the apartment. There are three of them. The Occupant is surprised to find that they are all wearing SWAT gear Hazmat suits, but the Occupant’s Girlfriend, who is back on the premises, informs him that she had called the company and prepared them for the sheer horror they would be facing upon arrival. No report filed.

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