So you’re way too drunk, huh? That second 40-ounce is coming back up as a ritualistic sacrifice to the porcelain gods? But you also want some slammin’ fried chicken?

Well, you’re in luck.

Here’s the low-down on Philly’s best Crown Fried Chicken locations to throw up in.

1. Broad and Girard

Yo, I’ve straight up fallen asleep at this location. You can easily get away with throwing up here, too. Inside, you’ll discover several trashcans conveniently placed within vomit range.

Feeling fancy? Ask the staff for the key to unlock the customers-only bathroom. You can even wash your hands afterwards!

You wanna talk location? This place basically has its own subway stop. Which is great, because sometimes, if I’m drunk enough, the subway makes me very motion sick.

Luckily, after you hurl, nothing settles a stomach better than some top-notch, greasy fried chicken. Just do yourself a favor and skip the cheesecake.

2. Broad and Ellsworth

Again, this location gains points for its convenient, accessible location. Its proximity to the Boot & Saddle concert venue has made it a must-stop late-night post-show spot.

However, this particular Crown Fried is smaller than most of their other locations. With less places to hide, and a more attentive staff, it’s a little bit more difficult to gracefully empty the contents of your stomach.

Again, it’s important to stress that you should not, under any circumstances, try the cheesecake.

3. Broad and Susquehanna

This one is a Temple University mainstay. So give it the ol’ “College Try,” and attempt to make it past the door before barfing.

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Once inside, if you are truly drunk, you will be mercilessly roasted by the staff. Seriously. The guy behind the counter once called me “Wasted-Ass Fake Gyllenhaal,” and I still have to apply aloe daily because of the wicked burn. That’s why I have to deduct a lot of points from this location. The staff is a bunch o’ meany-pantses. And who could blame them? If you had a bunch of drunk college students puking all over your place of employment, you’d probably become a roastmaster, too.

Really, this time, it is absolutely imperative that you go nowhere near the cheesecake. I can’t harp on this one enough. Especially at this location, please, do yourself a solid and DO NOT EAT THE CHEESECAKE.

4. Broad and Erie

Really, the only benefit to this location is that you will definitely not get pulled over for drunk driving on the way home. The only reason to throw up at this Crown Fried Chicken is because the line to throw up at your favorite location was too long.

The only points rewarded to this one are because of its proximity to Temple Hospital. If something goes wrong and you end up realizing that it’s alcohol poisoning that you’re dealing with, well buddy, you’re in luck. You can get your stomach pumped right down the street!

I’m sure that this spot is lovely during the day, but I wouldn’t know. In fact, I wouldn’t actually know what this spot is like at night time, because I’ve only ever been here while blackout drunk.

However, even at that lowest of states, I was able to avoid eating the cheesecake. I recommend that you do not eat the cheesecake here.

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