Netflix: Hm, I’m not really happy with the brunch selection at your restaurant. I’m going to open my own restaurant. I’ll tell everyone I have many different chefs, but over time the only eggs I’ll put on the menu will be the ones I make myself. Why go to a restaurant when I can actually make my own brunch better?

Hulu: I’d like something that’s not going to spoil because I’m usually only able to enjoy my brunch the day after it comes out. You know what? Can I wait until Netflix has ordered, and then I’ll pick whatever is slightly less popular but actually considered better by many customers.

Amazon Video: I don’t care what you bring me, but I’d like it delivered in the next 4 minutes.

CBS All Access: I want a Greek Omelet, but I don’t need the side of pancakes. It’s an omelette, and it should just be an omelette. Whatever happened to sticking with one thing and enjoying it? Besides, I’m off carbs. Could I also get waffles?

YouTube TV: How old are your chefs? Are they in their 30s? I just feel like maybe teenagers could make me a more original frittata.

Netflix: I need everything to come out at the exact same time. I don’t care if you only have two hands—make it happen.

Hulu: I need double or triple whatever I order because I’m feeding a family here.

Netflix: Same! I can pay you $2 extra if you quadruple my order.

Hulu: I’ll pay you $4 extra because I’m not a cheapskate.

Sling TV: Would it be possible for me to pay $20 and get everything on the menu? I promise I won’t eat all or even any of it!

Sundance NOW: Oooh, I’d like something artisanal, maybe your fruit salad arranged in the shape of a Georgia O’Keefe painting?

Waiter: Do you mean a vagina?

Sundance NOW: Let’s keep it classy, ok?

Twitch: Do you have anything for free? Ok, sure, I’ll take another water. Can I have ice this time?

Waiter: Is anyone looking to binge-eat?

Everyone: Yes!

Netflix: I’ve changed my order. I want what Hulu’s having, and I want it delivered first.

Hulu: You know what? I’ll just get what Netflix is getting, but can I pay less and have it served on a sponsored plate?

Netflix: Could I get the Waffles with a Strong Female Lead? Yes, I’m talking about Aunt Jemima.

Hulu: Has everyone watched The Handmaid’s Tale, the oft-cited best show of 2017?

Netflix: I think a lot of people preferred Stranger Things. Just like how some people like bacon, and some like turkey bacon.

Hulu: So you admit it? Stranger Things is the turkey bacon to the Handmaid’s DELICIOUS, JUICY, GREASY bacon?!

Netflix: Bacon gives you heart disease!

Hulu: So does turkey bacon!!

Netflix: But less quickly!!!

Hulu: NO ONE LIKES THAT YOUR COMMERCIALS PLAY THE SECOND YOU LOAD THE HOME SCREEN!!

Netflix: NO ONE LIKES THAT YOUR COMMERCIALS PLAY EVEN ON THE COMMERCIAL-FREE PLAN. GREY’S ANATOMY, MUCH?

Hulu: NO ONE EVEN WANTED TO INVITE YOU TO BRUNCH, NETFLIX!

YouTube TV: Why does this happen every time we go out?

Netflix: Shit, pump the breaks. I actually need to talk to my parents and ask what they want for brunch, because it’s their account.

Everyone else: Yeah, same.

Waiter: Are you guys going to tip?

HBO NOW: Could I get a Waldorf Salad?


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