At Side-E-FEX Pharmaceuticals, we know how many people suffer every day from toenail fungus. We're proud that MYTOZARPHAUL (MY-toes-are-foul) has helped fungus sufferers live more normal, happier lives.

Unfortunately, there have been numerous complaints regarding the product, forcing us to issue an updated list of side effects. This is not a complete list.


SIDE EFFECTS:

  • Compulsive sweating
  • Fungus growth on non-foot parts of the body, including the tip of the tongue, the left ear, and phantom limbs.
  • Increased use of profanity, especially the words “fuckin’ can’t” at the end of each sentence. Most patients develop an Irish accent for these words.
  • Starting a compost pile in your living room and becoming friendly with earthworms. You talk to them. Some answer. They reprimand you for your foul language.
  • Impulsive purchases of garden gnomes (specifically from Germany). Contact your doctor immediately if you accumulate more than fifty, especially if where you live is very small.
  • Start speaking with a German accent, which leads patients to think they are speaking German. You are not speaking German, you are speaking gibberish. You now say “frickin' cant” at the end of each sentence.
  • Sudden predilections for wearing 18th-century men's powdered wigs. Even at work and in public. Your family, friends and coworkers, expecting a breakdown, humor you. To keep you placated they also wear wigs.
  • An obsession with German philosophers. You now say “frickin' Kant” at the end of each sentence, with an emphasis on the “K.”
  • Toenail fungus.
  • When talking with your worm friends, you quote the Prussian-born Kant: “If man makes himself a worm, he must not complain when he is trodden on.” You realize they are offended, but cannot help yourself. You then apologize, but they may not forgive you. One mentions your exceedingly broad forehead, and laughs at how he could set his wristwatch by your visits.
  • Knowing Kant had an exceedingly broad forehead and was a stickler for time, you become obsessed with your own exceedingly broad forehead (another side effect of Mytozarphaul)–and vow to become less punctual.
  • This causes stress, which seems to lead many patients to revert to an Irish accent and say, “fuckin’ can’t” at the end of each sentence.
  • Once again, your worm friends reprimand you for your foul language, and suggest using the more empowering, “Betsy can,” at the end of each sentence.
  • Full-blown mania. You officially change your name to Immanuel Kant, and spout Kant, frequently, in public and at a high volume. More specifically: “Perpetual peace could be ensured through universal democracy and international cooperation.” Your insistence on shouting somewhat destroys Kant’s peaceful message. You also do this at work, and in your boss’s right ear. Not in the left ear, which may be blocked. Assuming your boss is on Mytozarphaul, as you are, and suffering from the side effect of “slow death by toenail fungus.”
  • You become an internet sensation, gaining thousands of Twitter followers. Not friends admittedly, just followers. Because by now you are unbearably pompous and your friends have abandoned you! NPR interviews you. The New York Times posts a video of you dressed in 18th-century attire, wearing your wig. While you hold court in the compost detritus that is your living room, your garden gnomes, up to one-hundred by now, grumble about their cramped quarters. In your cupped hands are your favorite wiggling worm “advisors.” They whisper hissy little reminders not to use the “F” word. You wear thick leather gardening gloves. Not because worms are grubby little creatures, but because they are allergic to your hand cream, a prescription product that does not rid you of toenail fungus, or shrink your extremely broad forehead, but that keeps at bay the strange, blue, itchy rash that is now covering both hands, which is yet another side effect of Mytozarphaul.
  • Jealous of your meteoric rise and constant presence on cable television, the president has ICE agents arrest you and deport you, where you form a band that sings deafening Kant quotes in Spanish.
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