We tend to think all dogs are basically the same: they drink water in a peculiar way, have poor lung capacity (are always out of breath even when not running), and like to chase after you when you’ve stolen their stick and will continue pursuit even when you jump in your car and drive away fast, holding that stick out the window, shaking it triumphantly. Though most dogs may seem absolutely identical in many ways, there are also many subtle differences that the eye cannot detect, such as what that dog’s name is.

No one has ever created a unified classification system for dogs that I know of, so I thought I’d give it a bash, as I’ve been watching dogs closely for years. Every single last one of them.

Small, Yappy Dogs

This version of a dog appears quite nice but can really be a pain in the ass at 4am when your neighbor decides to let her dog out of the house when it clearly doesn’t want to go. They tend to have little puppet-mouths that rapidly open and close emitting a sound I can only describe as a high-pitched “arrff!” sort of sound (they should really invent a word for that) which can become droning and repetitive but also soothing when the delirium sets in after 3 or so hours of it.

Sometimes they have little underbites that make them seem severe and tough looking. But trust me, they aren’t tough. Not by a long shot.

Dogs That Look Like They Have a Little Beard

These guys can have long or short legs, their hair can be curly or glossy-straight, but their defining feature is that they have a little beard, which makes them at times seem both stylish and like total posers. The beard, I hypothesized once in a dissertation that was unfortunately rejected outright, is a genetic holdover from a simpler time in dog history, which is something we may eventually find out about when dogs evolve enough to start speaking.

Horse Dogs

You have to be careful with Horse Dogs, because it looks like you can ride ’em, but you shouldn’t. Not even if you really, really want to.

Noble Little Guys

These are often referred to as “terriers,” though I think that’s misleading, as they’re always on the move with their noses low to the ground, idly tarrying being the furthest thing from their little minds. They also have really good eyes. Like, really pretty.

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Pushed-in-Face Dogs

Also known as “What?! No Snout?!” Dogs. Think Wyle E. Coyote when he hits a rock wall and his face gets all pushed in.

Because of their flat-faces, these dogs like nothing more than to get real close up and mash their abundant face-wrinkles into different parts of your body like some meaty, wet fist giving the gentlest of noogies. In a word: abominations.

Just Plain Ol’ Garden Variety Dogs

This type of dog is pretty non-descript. Just your standard dog, really. Face, legs, tail, blunt black claws that clickity-clack across the kitchen tiles, feet that smell of corn chips, and they squat in a funny way when taking a dump that makes them look like they’re little athletes getting ready to run a race. Though the dog shit that is progressively being pushed out does make it seem like nerves are getting the better of them on the day of the big race.

Old Dogs

This type of dog takes a while to cultivate. They can be of any size but generally speaking are quiet, have grey-whiskered faces, tired milky eyes and lope along at a leisurely gait that can get a little frustrating when you’re trying to get to the goddamn shops before they close. These dogs are no fun to play with, and poking them while they’re trying to sleep can provoke an unwanted response if done incessantly.

Scruffy Dogs

Scruffy Dogs are rascals. They’re always causing mischief! If you see a Scruffy Dog around and he’s just sitting there all quiet, don’t be fooled. Instead, ask yourself, “What’s he playing at?” If you watch him for long enough, you may just find out. Trust me, he’s definitely up to no good.

Dogs That are Total Pushovers

At the slightest hint of contact, this species of dog will submit completely and utterly to you, rolling over and exposing its tender belly in a sign of deference and submission. It’s really quite pathetic to see, but if you do capitulate and offer a belly rub, afterwards you may find yourself filled with self-loathing and a desire to wash your hands whilst looking in the mirror for an extended period of time.

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Egg Dogs

Truth be told, I haven’t seen this make of dog yet, but I’ve heard it said that it can carry an egg in its mouth and even though it really wants to chomp down on that egg and get the delicious bird-fetus out, its natural instincts tell it, “No! Just hold it there in your mouth.”

It’ll be an exciting day when I get to study the elusive Egg Dog!

Muscle Dogs

These dogs should wear those real low-hanging gym singlets and ask if you need a spot for the bench. They are that emasculating to me.

Spotted Dogs

To be honest, this applies to a large percentage of dogs, as a lot of them have two spots on their faces called nose-holes. But let’s omit that from the criteria for now.

If it’s a dog that’s covered in spots, it’ll bizarrely be forced to take a job as a fire-fighter, which I find negligent to give to a non-prehensile-limbed animal. Monkeys I could see, but dogs? How do they hold the hose?

Other spotted dogs can have one big spot on their bodies, sometimes in the shape of a dick and balls, but not always.

Ones That Look Like Wolves But Aren’t Wolves

I’m sure this has happened to you before: you’re walking down the street and you see a big, imposing creature on four legs with a long snout, broad back and pointy ears and you shout, “Argh! A wolf! Help! Anybody!” then cower behind a tree pleading for mercy or dash desperately the other way, plowing into pedestrians and throwing them behind you like so many mannequins in an attempt to slow the beast down.

Well, it probably wasn’t a wolf that you were running from after all, rather a dog that looks like a wolf but isn’t a wolf. Their similar appearance is completely coincidental! Nature’s like that because there are only so many ways an animal can look, so you have to double-up sometimes.

The wolf-like non-wolves come in a range of varying colors: white, white with a bit of black and also black-and-tan. But much like the Hitler mustache, these last dogs were ruined socially by Hitler having one.

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