Once upon a time, there was a great band called Metallica. They recorded exactly three albums and then they all died in a bus wreck and it was very sad. Fortunately, their record company had DNA samples of all the band members – except for Cliff Burton, who was hungover on sample-collecting day – and thanks to the advanced technology of 1986, scientists were able to successfully clone most of the band members.

Along with the dude from Flotsam and Jetsam, who was paid $20 to hang out with them in the studio and not play bass, the Metallica clones decided to form the world’s greatest Metallica tribute band. That band was called “Clone Metallica,” or just “Metallica” for short. They released exactly one album and one EP of cover songs before dying in yet another bus wreck.

They were cloned again.

The entire drum track was just Little Lars pounding on a trash can with a hammer, but they tried their best and that’s what matters.

One day a man named Bob Rock went to Megaforce Man, the king of metal, and asked for permission to take the Metallica clones and raise them as his own children. Megaforce Man agreed, and then they ate a baby to seal the deal.

When they were finished, the Metallica clones were released from their cryogenic sleep chambers and taken to Bob Rock’s mansion where they were given ice cream and memory wipes. He taught them everything they needed to know about how to rock, Bob Rock style.

One hour later they were ready to record their first album, which they decided to call “Metallica.” And even though the newly hatched clones weren’t as good as the original Metallica clones, and even though they had only recently learned how to play their instruments, they did their best and that’s what counts.

Bob Rock was proud of Metallica. He told them so as he tucked them in and read them a bedtime story about the Sandman, which was actually a racial slur Bob Rock was fond of using.

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Clone Metallica 2.0 was a hit. They sold lots of records and Bob Rock made lots of money. But one day, Bob Rock counted his money and realized it wasn’t enough. So it was back to the studio for the Metallica clones. They recorded a hundred songs, and all of them were terrible. But they tried their best, and that’s what counts.

Bob Rock said, “You boys did good. Why, you made enough songs for not one but TWO albums!”

“Yay!” said Metallica.

“We’ll call it James Hetfield’s Janky Jug Band Blues!” said James.

“Boo!” said Kirk and Little Lars.

“Free haircuts and ice cream for everyone!” said Bob Rock.

“Yay!” said Metallica.

“I like chocolate!” said James.

“I like vanilla!” said Kirk.

“I like strawberry!” said Little Lars.

Before Jason could say what flavor he liked, Bob Rock backhanded him.

“Nobody cares what you like, Newbie!” said Bob Rock. Jason began to cry. He ran away and never came back. Bob Rock cranked up “Fuel” and began to sing along and do the funky chicken dance because that’s how Bob Rock gets down.

One day Little Lars asked Bob Rock what the Real Metallica was like. Bob Rock said, “Don’t be silly, that’s just a fairy tale. You guys ARE the Real Metallica.”

“But why can’t we remember anything before 1991?” asked Little Lars.

“Well I suppose you must have fallen down and bumped your head,” said Bob Rock.

“All of us?” asked Kirk.

“Yes,” said Bob Rock.

“Are you lying to us?” asked James.

“Of course not. I love you,” said Bob Rock. “You suckled from my teat. Remember?”

“Yeah, that was weird,” said James. James brooded for a moment. He was getting angry. “I’m getting angry,” said James.

“Good!” said Bob Rock. “We’ll use that anger on the next album!”

“No, Bob Rock!” said Little Lars. “We don’t want to make a new album!”

“Yeah!” said Kirk. “And I’m not taking my pants off for you anymore, either!”

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And so they made another album, and it was very angry and not very good, and the entire drum track was just Little Lars pounding on a trash can with a hammer, but they tried their best and that’s what matters.

One night, when Bob Rock was sleeping, Metallica snuck into his room and strangled him to death. Metallica was finally free from the clutches of their wicked stepfather.

“Yay!” said Metallica.

“Let’s make a new album!” said James.

“Yeah, but we’ll do it OUR way this time!” said Little Lars.

“I’m a guitar hero!” said Kirk.

And so they made a new album, and they did their best… but this time it was pretty good! Hurray!

And so they toured the world and made billions and billions of dollars for being awesome and playing classic Metallica cover songs that almost sounded like real Metallica songs. They even found a giant crab monster to play bass.

“We’re big shot rock stars!” said James. “I’m going to buy a hundred cars!”

“I’m going to buy a new phone!” said Kirk.

“I’m going to destroy the internet!” said Little Lars. But he didn’t actually know how to do that, so he just cyberbullied a few kids and trolled some Megadeth videos until he got bored. And then he took a nap for eight years.

“Lars, wake up!” said James. “It’s time to make a new album!”

“I don’t wanna,” said Little Lars. “My arms are tired.”

“But we have to! The internet is mad at us!”

“The internet is jerks.”

“But Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax all made new albums,” said Kirk.

“If Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax all jumped off a bridge, would you do that too?” said Little Lars.

“Yes,” said Kirk.

And so they made a new album in 2016. Is it any good? Will the children love it? Will the grandpas love it? Will the internet ever stop being jerks? Only time will tell.

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