Beware when heading out to the beach this summer. You may run into the dirtbag pirate, the kayak pirate known as Captain Manscaped Beard.

He's not the best pirate, but you should fear him all the same. Sure, he doesn't know how to avoid rip currents. He doesn't know how to tie up a boat. He can't light a cannon or even start a fire without a full book of matches and a bottle of lighter fluid. He's never even shot a cannon, but his cousin has an assault rifle to take care of seagulls and such. Still, much like an alligator that seems like an innocuous stick in the water until it pops up and eats your dog, Captain Manscaped Beard should not be underestimated.

Legend has it that come spring, he comes out of hibernation and sheds his lumberjack flannel. He's been accused of such atrocities as feeding bread to ducks when we all know grapes are better for them. But he's most feared for hijacking kayaks. He announces that he's boarded the vessel, scaring folks shitless with his powerful voice honed during his years of performing in local theatre productions. Once the kayaker flees in terror, the Captain sells the ‘yak to fund his groovy seaside summer adventures and to replenish his supply of slushy drinks.

It's been said that summer finds him pillaging and plundering beaches in search of unattended piles of snacks and electronic devices. Sometimes he spends the morning gathering up flip-flops, sunglasses, books, towels, body boards, water wings, floats, and earplugs, and sells them on eBay. Other times he sets up his own stand mere blocks away from the beach shops and undercuts them with his low, pre-owned prices. He is quite the entrepreneur, and rumor has it that he's thinking of starting a black-market adoption ring, with all the kids that parents never watch while on vacation.

This isn't all malicious, though. The Captain's been known to swipe kids, and then ransom them and get the kids' parents to start acting like parents again. He once pulled off a mutiny on the dolphin cruise, stowing the errant children and their parents in the cargo hold, to get his point across.

This Labor Day, be careful not to leave your chip bag blowing around, or Captain may stuff it with the dog shit you didn't clean up after you took your dog for a walk. He may use the lit cigarette butt left in everyone's path to set that bag on fire and throw it on your beach blanket. In an effort to save countless numbers of sea turtles and dolphins, he may try to strangle you with the plastic six-pack ring you were about to toss overboard your boat.

He can be troublesome and mean, but many think of him as a seafaring Robin Hood, robbing peace of mind from the entitled and giving something back to those who try to follow the rules. Maybe in the offseason, we can get him to come to the grocery store and take care of the lady with six kids who thinks she doesn't have to share the aisle because she has six kids. As you're trying to squeeze by her and avoid her kids, would it be great if the Captain appeared shouting, “Gang-ho!” to bring a little pirate justice? And he would possibly bring Captain Morgan and Sailor Jerry with him, and the day would be saved.

And you would say: Thank you, Kayak Pirate Captain Manscaped Beard.


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