What a god-awful time to be a woman. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the government is about to take away our birth control. I mean, we’re basically living in Gilead from The Handmaid’s Tale. You know what they say: first birth control becomes more expensive, then they stop teaching women how to read, put tags on our ears, and systematically murder us.

A lot of women are scared of The Handmaid’s Tale, but if you look at the cast, most of the handmaids are white. I hate to be that girl, but I think it’s pretty clear that The Handmaid’s Tale is especially scary for white women, and I don’t know what everyone else is complaining about.

Did you see last night’s episode of Handmaid’s? Elizabeth Moss’ character is named Offred because she is literally OF FRED like she is FRED’S PROPERTY how awful is that? It’s really scary to think of her being someone else’s property because that doesn’t usually happen to white women. I mean, we’re just not used to it, and we’d take it badly I’m sure.

We definitely live in some crazy theocratic society, and I say that because some guy named Theo just ghosted me. Ugh, so selfish.

Anyway, Offred was forced to have sex with the commander again while his wife watched. Who treats white women like that!? Ugh, it was so terrible, and it really cut me deep, because that like literally is my life.

I mean, I haven’t been sexually assaulted or anything like that, but while walking through Harlem at least two men made eye contact with me. EYE CONTACT! Are you kidding me? I mean, just call me Ofjamal, because I was basically forced to be his property.

I really am so scared right now, especially about losing access to birth control, which is especially scary for white women because everyone wants our kids.

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I spoke to my dad this morning, and he said that even if my insurance stops covering the pill, he’ll pay for it out of pocket for me. He said he’d just add it to the PayPal he sends me every month for my studio in the East Village. The studio is SUCH a good investment, by the way, if you’re looking for recommendations for what to have your dad buy you. I don’t really understand how adults can still have roommates, that seems worse than death. What kind of terrible backwards society are we living in where two grown unmarried people LITERALLY share a living space.

Anyway, I’m so grateful for my dad being so understanding, but I can’t help but feel like that’s probably what June’s father told her right before she was captured by the rebels in Gilead. I don’t know, Dad. The Handmaid’s Tale is coming for me, and there’s nothing you can do to save your little girl.

Also, do you think we could switch to a different cleaning service? I just don’t trust Rosa at all. Like, I think she might have taken one of my Chanel purses. I thought I had 9, but looking around at what’s in my immediate eyesight, I only see 8. I think we need to fire her. How selfish is that, to steal from the woman who is LITERALLY employing you!? There really is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women. And that hell is called Gilead, which we’re about to enter — white women first.

The other day, I was basically forced to have a baby. Well, ok, I was forced to sit next to a baby on an airplane, and it was like, “What kind of fucked up society do we have where just by virtue of the fact that I am a WOMAN I have to be the one to sit next to that crying shitrag.” It was exactly what Elizabeth Moss’ character has to go through, only worse, because my baby was crying for TWO HOURS before I asked to get bumped to first class, and she only has to endure an hour-long episode each week. Like obviously we’re never going to live in a world where women are told how to dress and need to be escorted by men everywhere — that would never happen in any part of the world ever — but we are precariously close to forcing white women into childbirth.

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We definitely live in some crazy theocratic society, and I say that because some guy named Theo just ghosted me. Ugh, so selfish.

If you turn on the television, especially to The Handmaid’s Tale on Hulu, it’s pretty clear the world is ending for white women. Every time I see a white man on TV, my initial reaction is just like, “EW, REPUBLICAN!” Or sometimes like, “Ew, I wish I hadn’t slept with you, but I probs would again if we’re being honest.” But then, after that initial gut reaction, I’m like, “Why are there so many white men on TV? There should be more women.”

And then someone tells me to watch Insecure on HBO, and I’m like, “No, I meant white women, DUH.” Like in The Handmaid’s Tale. That’s mostly white women, which is what I like about it. Like other women who aren’t white might not relate to how terrible things are right now.

OH MY GOD, DID MY UBER DRIVER JUST CANCEL ON ME?! IF I GET CHARGED $5 I AM LITERALLY SUING UBER. MY DADDY IS THE HIGHEST PAID LAWYER AT GOLDMAN SACHS, HE WILL DESTROY YOU!! I SWEAR, THIS IS WHY THEY SHOULDN’T LET YOU PEOPLE DRIVE!!

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