My buddy Chad is so hilarious! At lunch today he tried to give me a high five, but I guess he lost his balance because he kind of threw his hand down really hard and had to use my tray for support. Everyone in the lunchroom always sees how tight we are, so they knew he was just yanking my chain when he yelled, “Whoops, bitch.”

When my food splattered to the floor, leaving sloppy joe and a few globs of the school’s sauce (it’s made in-house), I was bummed I might have to clean it up. Good thing the janitor on duty was the ex-drummer for my brother’s Eagles-inspired sex education parody band, “Kegels.” It also helps that Chad lied for me and told him I was too useless to properly handle a mop. What a pal!

Chad and I always have a blast together. Last weekend I was playing with one of the neighborhood dogs and Chad rode up on his sweet bike. He saw me horsing around and wanted to join in on the fun. He must have got confused or had something in his eye, because he mistakenly yelled “Bite his nuts” to the dog. I was confused but I understood immediately what he was going for and told him, “He's a dog, not a squirrel, silly.”

Wow did Chad get a kick out of that one! He thought I was so funny that he took out his phone and asked me to do it again. The second time he laughed even harder and called me a freak. It feels good to have a friend (jokingly!) put you in your place. I acted like such a goof and he sure showed me!

When I woke up the next day I felt pumped. My best friend and I were hanging out more than ever and I was starting to really belong. But I had no idea how much better my day was about to get. Turns out everyone at school had seen Chad’s video and were all talking about how I’m going to be the next Louis C.K.!

Even our history teacher Mr. Douglass was supporting my future career as a comedian. I hope I never forget his laughter as he told the whole class I would be in Louis’s situation a few years from now. I must be pretty funny because he hasn’t smiled since his wife went on vacation last year with her spin class instructor.

What a cool comparison! I love Louis, he’s so funny. Plus he’s popular with the ladies.

Guess you could say that my life is going great… except for one thing. There’s this one kid at my school, a total burnout named Franklin. I hate his guts. He’s super jealous of my friendship with Chad. This one time he tried to convince me Chad was “taking me for granted” and I should hang out with “more caring friends” like him. Creep alert!

If that’s not enough, he seeks attention all the time. Last week he did this really pathetic thing. No one was going to go to his lame birthday party so he told everyone it was his last one. He said it to everyone as he was handing out the invitations! We get it. Our teachers have told us a thousand times about it, we know! You need a new heart. Who cares, man?

What a conceited loser.

All in all though, my life is going pretty great. A kick-ass new friend, a new name for myself, my mom is making pot roast tonight, and Franklin has to sit there and watch all of it like a chump. Seriously, he does kill my vibe sometimes. I can’t wait for his arrhythmia to show him how that feels. Too bad his doctors say that won’t happen until Christmas time.

I wonder what I should get Chad for Christmas. He’s been such an awesome friend I can’t decide. Maybe a scrapbook. Oh boy I can’t wait to see the look on his face!

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