By contributing writer Alex Meyers
veryone loves money, but nobody knows what it is. Is it a food? Is it a drink? If so, is it coffee?
These are questions that must go unanswered. However, right here on PIC, I present to you the ten things that any respectable citizen should know about money!
1. I can’t let you borrow any right now.
Look man, I know you’re hurting for some dough, but Becky and I just took out a loan for this little apartment and…well, we’re strapped dude.
Hey! Don’t look at me like that, man. You’d have more money if you weren’t always funding so many of your crazy terrorist Jihads.
2. Can you let me have some of your money?
Jeffrey, you are filthy rich! Have a heart! I live in a cardboard box, and I am your uncle! You will give me $200 dollars so I can get back on my feet, OK?
Jeffrey, please. Does the past mean nothing? I gave you a kickass G.I Joe for Christmas every Christmas since you were 4, and when you were 9 I bought you a gun. Now, at least give me 70 bucks so I can have a decent steak and sleep at a Motel 6.
3. Money costs millions of dollars.
Money is free, right? Wrong again, bozo. Let me tell you a little story.
May, 1977. Prom Night. I want nothing more than to show my girl, Tammy, a good time. So my old man, with tears in his eyes, arm around me, hands me a ten dollar bill, and I’ll never forget what he said: “This bill cost me fifteen hundred dollars. You are not to spend a fucking penny of it.” Well, I was a dumb kid, and I went and bought a burger, a soda, maybe a couple fries, and before you know it BAM, the old man is betrayed forever and to this day he still is trying to kill me.
All I’m saying is this: You think money grows on trees? Damn right it does, and those trees are fuckin’ expensive.
4. Be frugal unless you want to buy something.
Let’s say you’re sleeping. This is an excellent opportunity to be frugal.
On the other hand, let’s say you’re driving past a Taco Bell. Go ahead and take that $20,000 loan out of the bank you’ve been eyeing up. Those chalupas don’t have all day!
Note: At the Taco Bell drive-thru, request some complementary bankruptcy paperwork.
5. Create a realistic budget.
No more clown parties with extra clowns!
No more making bets where you pay even more if you win than if you lose!
AND ABSOLUTELY NO MORE change eating competitions, with A-list celebrity judges! (B-list will be fine.)
Let’s boil your expenses down to bare essentials:
2. Nike shoes
3. Parking tickets (or fine of your choice)
6. Always have an emergency fund.
Let’s say you wake up one bright spring morning and realize you’ve always wanted to take golf lessons. What do you do? Do you tell your family? A priest? And what sort of medicine should you take to cure this malady? The answers are: yes, yes, and Tylenol.
But if the desire persists, you’re going to need money to pay for lessons. Because situations like this sometimes come up unexpectedly, you should always take 3% of your income and put it into an emergency fund (emergency-f for short).
The emergency-f (or e-fund) is not kept just in case you want golf lessons, of course. That would be silly. It has all sorts of uses, including:
7. Wallets can be fashionable.
It’s true! On some planets, wallets are considered to be the haughtiest of haught couture (that’s “sleek fashion” in Egyptian). But don’t just listen to me. See for yourself!
This one looks like a zebra.
And look at this one:
It can talk!
Then there’s this one:
This one is talking, too. I’m starting to get scared.
And finally this one:
Wow! It’s just like doing drugs!
8. Credit cards can get you into trouble.
Which means you can use them to create your “bad boy” image and go cruising for babes all night long. Alright, high five! Money’s not as bad as you thought after all, eh kid? It’s going to be ladies night tonight!
Just stay away from my daughter, you no good, credit card using, talking-wallet owning son of a bitch.
9. Throw out all of your pennies.
Hey there, money bags—what are you trying to save up for with all those pennies? A pool? Christ! Have you gone shopping lately? Even penny candy is twenty cents. Just be a responsible adult and throw the pennies out. Anyway, carrying those coins around makes you look even fatter than you already are (if you can even imagine that).
10. Now throw the rest of your money out.
I’ll be waiting by the trash cans (I’m the fat guy with the pants that look like they’re full of pennies. I’m saving up for a pool.)