1. Share Unto Others as They Would Share Unto You
The world we see is the world we share. Did you climb a lesser-known mountain peak? Share it. Did you find a humorous, but really "down-to-earth" article? Share it. Do you have crude footage from a live concert? Share that shit! If we don’t see it from you, then there’s only a 99.64% chance that we’ll see anything like it from someone else!
2. Thou Shalt Opine Politically
Are you a Conservative? Then let those idiot Libtards know how stupid their facts are! Do you consider yourself a Liberal? Then pummel me with your popular opinion! Whether you drive an efficient vehicle or a street-legal Panzer, whether you think the Bible is a book of nonfiction or an epic tale of fantasy, or whether you’re motivated by fear of an agenda or faith in humanity, let your superficially informed stance be heard!
3. Thou Shalt Disguise Narcissism with Humility
Learn to implement the "humble brag." Here are a few generic good ones:
- "Can’t believe a dummy like me is getting his MBA today."
- "Unbelievable, not even wearing make-up and this creeper still tried to get my number!"
- "Can’t believe I’m in first class with Neil deGrasse Tyson. I guess he enjoys traveling to Thailand too… #AMAZEBALLS!"
If you can’t quite nail the humble brag, just boast instead. Either method is a surefire way to get a shitload of likes.
4. Your Significant Other Shall be Exalted
Your wife/S.O. is the most beautiful person on Earth. But not unless you prove it by posting at the top of your lungs. You need to get this message out so your significant other knows they’re appreciated, and this is because true romance requires many witnesses. Don’t empathize with the people who aren’t as ostensibly lucky as you, have zero wives, or just a really ugly one—this is YOUR exclamation. This is also YOUR shot to show YOUR partner how humbly dedicated you are to them. Even if your friends say the same exact things about their S.O.’s, this is NOT a paradox.
If you’re running low on ideas, and haven’t posted a status in quite a few hours, try to utilize any of these powerful adjectives: Amazing, Lovely, Hard-working, Unbelievable, Hilarious, Thoughtful, or "very Hillary Clinton-y."
5. Thou Shalt Follow on Fridays
It’s called "Follow Friday" for many good reasons. Okay… it’s just called "Follow Friday" for one debatably decent reason. And that’s to accrue followers. Contrary to correct belief, you don’t get followers through good, thought-provoking, or hilarious content. You get them by cyber-badgering your prospects until they’re socially punch-drunk, and give you a follow before they realize how hard they just got mind-roofied.
6. Thou Shalt Give Frequent Updates on Thou Gestation
It doesn’t matter if you’re recently pregnant, 2 months pregnant, or dilated past 10mm and about to burst from your vagina—you gotta post those pics! Because you know what’s even cuter than a newborn baby? A grainy ultrasound photo!
7. Thou Shalt Praise Humanity
If you see something that warms your heart, let it warm others’. Your true personality is never more evident than in the ideal things you choose to share. Enlighten us with all of your clever finds. Make us want to see that someone else is making a difference in this world so we can get back to Candy Crush.
8. Thou Shalt Pose as an Expert
Just because they can see your expertise in the "About" section does not mean it’s highly visible. You must let people know how smart and pretentious you can really be. Respond to status updates like a battering ram, and don’t let any dissenters off the hook. If they have you cornered, counteract with hyperbole. If they’re still getting the upper hand, pretend to not listen to their point, and instead reiterate yours in every permutation possible.
Then, after a few more jabs, finish them off with "Let’s agree to disagree." This is how you win. Because the only way to be wrong is to not sound right.
9. Thou Shalt Photograph Cuisine
Now that Facebook owns Instagram, you only have to do half the work! Maybe now you’ll have more time to eat that awesome panini you emphasized in a vignette. Maybe this time you’ll be able to eat it while it’s still palatable… unless you get a few likes right away. Because then you have to check those… no matter what you’re doing… or who you’re talking to.
10. Thou Shalt Be Cryptic
Since nobody knows your problems quite like you do, don’t give them the information necessary to solve them. This is the golden rule of Facebook. When the poop hits the blades, let your online support group attempt to decipher your strife. Using obscure clichés such as "Murphy’s law" or "I guess it could be worse," or "It’s always darkest before the dawn," or some other threadbare saying is the best way to truly vent. I mean, just because you’re mourning doesn’t mean you have to be boring. AMIRIGHT?
So give us some intrigue (and maybe a hashtag), you Facebook Diva, you.