Okay, okay, everybody sit down on your rocks, the lesson’s about to begin. My name is Mr. Ieaudd and I’ll be teaching you for the foreseeable future, which is funny because one thing you might not know about me is that I’m from the future. How about that?!

Let me tell you a bit about myself: I broke into a scientist’s lab and accidentally spilt beer all over his time machine, which caused it to malfunction and sent me back here to pre-historic times. One good thing about that is I don’t have to face any one of the numerous charges that would have awaited me for drunkenly trespassing onto the grounds of a government facility. Another good thing is that I get to find out the age-old question of whether or not you cavemen actually say, “Yabba Dabba Doo!” This has been a point of contention between anthropologists for a while now.

I don’t know whether any of you have names, but they’re probably monosyllabic and dumb. So I’m just going to refer to you by your defining characteristics. You over there will be Saggy Tits, and you’ll be Monster-Mouth.

As I look around the cave and see your dishevelled, filthy faces, I feel as though hygiene is probably something I should tell you about.

Is there a reason why you’re standing up, Hanging Balls? What was that? Shoompah Noki? Well, I don’t know what that means, but I hope it’s your way of respectfully welcoming a man of wit and learning into your tribe. Now sit the fuck down.

This stuff that’s covering my body isn’t strange hair like you might assume (and you would be incorrect for assuming that). They’re called clothes, and they are a frivolity in my time that I’m thankful to have gotten away from. Let me take them off right now…

… Ahh! That’s better!

You might think that because this is the first class in history it’s going to be a breeze. Well, guess again. Look to your left and right. One of the primitive creatures you just saw will fail this class. And the other will probably not survive through the coming winter.

I’m not here to make friends. You can’t win my favor no matter how many raw animal carcasses you leave on my desk for me to eat. I am here to teach and make sure you’re prepared to be productive members of a society that hasn’t quite gotten around to being created yet.

First, I want to teach you about yourselves: you are known as cavemen. At least I hope you’re cavemen and not hairless cave-dwelling apes, as this will have all been for nought.

You guys are famous in my time for your staggering ignorance, your lack of social skills and your general everyday savagery. But you are also known for your gentleness with kittens. Wait, I’m thinking of apes again.

Your groups are simple hunter-gatherer tribes, yet I see neither meats nor berries before me, so you must be pretty dog shit at it. Your first assignment will be to hunt down and gather some choice meats and fermented swamp water to get trashed on. Once submitted, your assignments will not be handed back.

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Very soon you’ll collectively start the process of agriculture. I wish I could help you out with that but my fucking back is playing up again. Maybe you guys can do the tilling and I’ll lay down somewhere close by and point at patches of untouched ground that need cultivating.

Hey, Lanky Doofus and Homeless Dreadlock! Quit passing rocks back there! If I wasn’t planning on meeting Kinda Alright Looking by the bog after class you guys would be getting detection. You should consider yourselves lucky that I’m planning on getting lucky.

As I look around the cave and see your dishevelled, filthy faces, I feel as though hygiene is probably something I should tell you about. Practicing good hygiene starts with removing all unnecessary body hair. This goes just as much for the fellas as for the ladies. You might have noticed the smart, tidy state that my pubic area is in. You fellas really should look closely and take note. The state of the testicles in this classroom is absolutely atrocious. Sit down, Hanging Balls!

In the near future, you’ll start making a lot more sophisticated tools for cutting meat and using during barroom disagreements. Those crude sharpened rocks wouldn’t pass muster back home. I honestly don’t know why you don’t just make better ones out of metal.

There is a whole world of science out there, the mysteries of which are just waiting to be unlocked and explored. Unfortunately, I never showed much of an aptitude or interest in it at school, so you’re going to have to figure all that science stuff out for yourselves. But one piece of advice I would give you is: hit the books and study. Study hard.

By the way, my deepest condolences regarding the death of your friends and pets: the dinosaurs.

Another thing I can impart is the knowledge of TV and movies. One movie you guys would love is Quest For Fire. It’s about cavemen going on a quest to find something, I can’t remember what. All the actors got silly forehead prosthetics to look more like you. Except for Ron Perlman, who already looks like you a lot. Massive Forehead over there is probably his great-great-grandfather, which is why Mr. Perlman may have taken the role in the first place. If I was the ancestor of a caveman I’d probably feel the same sense of duty, but thankfully my ancestors were all humans.

Oh, I should have mentioned this at the beginning: make sure you are writing all of this down in the dirt in front of you with the sticks I’ve provided. It’ll all definitely be on the exam.

Yes, Massive Forehead? Is there something you’d like to share with the rest of the class? Uhh: Shoompah Noki again? Why do you all keep saying that whilst desperately pointing to the fire? Shut up! It means nothing!

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Speaking of fire, it is plentiful in my time. It comes in these little canisters from the good people at the Bic Lighter Company. See? *flik, flik, foooom!* Yes, gasps are quite appropriate. And it’s really fun to throw one against a hard surface to watch it explode, like… this! *KABOOM!*

Oh, quit cowering you bunch of cry babies! You live day and night with the constant fear of freezing or starving to death, yet a little explosion rattles you. You’re going to have to harden the fuck up if you want to make it in the cutthroat, fireworks-heavy world of the future.

By the way, my deepest condolences regarding the death of your friends and pets: the dinosaurs. If cartoons were anything to go by, you guys seemed pretty close. I bet it’s a lot harder to get around now that you can’t just climb on a dinosaur’s back to go visit a friend’s cave.

Sooner or later you’ll figure out that there are other animals you can ride. Horses, tortoises, and one time an orca, but that night breaking in to Sea World was pretty hairy. If you do plan on doing it though, it’s good to feel the whale out a bit first before you jump on its back. When provoked they can screech like goddamn banshees.

Where I come from, we have all sorts of modes of transportation. One of the stupidest is called a unicycle. This seems to have been invented to travel to a destination as slowly and precariously as possible. Don’t bother inventing that when you get around to making the wheel. Instead, just make three more and you’ll almost have a car or skateboard.

I feel I must tell you that many years from now there will be a savior that rises amongst you. A born leader that will fight for freedom and who will die for you. And his name will be Braveheart.

One thing you will need to learn about if you’re ever going to evolve to your next form is the emotion of laughter. I’m honestly surprised you haven’t got it yet. You guys are hilarious looking! If I were one of you I’d be rolling around all day long just looking at your funny, wide-eyed and earnest expressions. I wish I still had that lighter. The stupid look on your faces when I lit that thing was priceless.

Hey, who are those bipeds walking completely upright outside the cave? Wait… they’re the guys I should be talking to, aren’t they? Why didn’t you tell me I was in the wrong cave?! I’m gonna go teach them instead. Best of luck with survival. You’ll, ah… need it.

Hmm, now that I’m leaving they’re all gathering around the fire and chanting Shoompah Noki in unison. I guess it must mean “I’m cold” or something. Goddamn idiots. Though it is a little chilly. Maybe I should at least put my undies back on.

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