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Girls ask stupid questions. Not stupid like, “If I swallow it, will
a baby grow in my stomach?” although the dumb ones have been known
to seek clarification. I mean stupid like, “If you could date one of
my friends,
who would it be?”
Gentlemen, we’ve all fielded these questions at one time or another… or
another… or another… or thousands of times throughout a relationship. Most of
the time you probably find yourself thinking, “What the fuck is the point of
asking that? Is there even a right answer? My only hope for escape is to rip a
huge one right now, unleashing a legion of stink minions that will invade her
nostrils and remove all memory of the question from her brain.”
Despite your best defenses, the questions will come. As much as you can try
to predict them, you’ll never know for sure
what question is coming next and when it will rear its ugly head. All you
can do is mentally prepare, so the next time you’re confronted with a stupid
girl question, you aren’t caught with your pants down. (That’s step 1. Don’t let
a girl catch you with your pants down. It leads to a lot of questions.)
To help you prepare, I’ve outlined the main weapons in a girl’s stupid question
arsenal and an “answer angle” for each. That way, you’ll be ready the next time
a girl asks you something stupid like…
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All I can really tell you
is that I'm not thinking about what's for dinner. |
"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?"
First, I’m not thinking about anything important, or else I’d tell you, since
you’re right fucking here. Second, if I am thinking about something
important, I don’t want you to know, or else I’d tell you, because you’re right
fucking here.
Do I ever wonder what girls are thinking? Sure. Do I ever wish I could listen
in on the endless inner monologue going on in someone else’s head? Yes. Do I
ever ruin someone’s precious silence by randomly asking them what they’re
thinking? I do not. This is, far and away, the mother of all stupid girl
questions.
| Answer
Angle |
Nonsense. Other than lashing out, this is the most effective
way to prevent the question from re-occurring. Plus, it’s a
great way to entertain yourself the 10 to 15 times a day
your girlfriend presents you with this baffler. The key is
to be creative. |
| Dan’s
Answer |
I was
thinking, if I could harness any power of the average dog,
what would I choose? I mean, you have so many interesting
options: heightened sense of smell, improved running speed,
strong jaw…. Wait. Nevermind. I would definitely choose the
ability to lick my own balls. |
"DO YOU THINK SHE’S PRETTY?"
If you feel the need to ask, the answer is yes. With that in mind, it would
probably be best to spare yourself the disheartening answer and spare me the
frustration of answering by skipping the question entirely.
| Answer
Angle |
Never
say no. If you think she’s pretty, do not, under any
circumstances, say no. If your girl doesn’t appreciate it,
then she also won’t appreciate being told she’s fat, ergo
you should dump her. No one wants to date a chick who hates
honesty. If the female in question isn’t attractive, tell
her you’d paper bag it. If the subject at hand is a true
fuggo, 40s come in paper bags. Problem solved. |
| Dan’s
Answer |
If I
were a dog, I’d bury my bone. |
"SO _____ IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME?"
So you’ve stooped to running the old guilt trip on me, eh?
Your powers are weakening. It won’t be long before all your questions
pertain to what I would like on my sandwich and whether the evening’s
entertainment will consist of ATM or MTV, or perhaps ATV, but not without a stop
at the ATM. (I may be a heathen, but at least I’m sanitary.)
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Answer Angle |
Stand up
for the other aspects of your life. Be it your job, your
best friend of 15 years, or the stripper who can pick up
dollar bills with her twat, your interests outside the
relationship and their importance in your life will be
challenged at some point. Just keep in mind that you’re your
own man. Explain to the girlfriend that you need time away
from her, just as she (hopefully) needs time away from you,
and that you’re not stealing away to cheat on her, but if
the questions persist, you will. Maybe the last part is
unnecessary, but I can’t have this resembling actual sound
advice. I also recommend blowing a massive belch in her face
on your way out. That’s definitely unnecessary. |
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Dan’s Answer |
Did I
say “the strip club?” What I meant to say was “the cancer
ward, to bring a moment of joy to a dying kid who knows
nothing but pain.” HOW’S THAT FOR A GUILT TRIP, BITCH?!? |
"WHAT’S MY NAME?"
Seriously, why you do you always ask me that, Christie? Jen? Laura? Fuck it.
I’m so hammered, I can barely remember my own name, let alone yours. Just tell
me it again. Better yet, tell me and
let me write it on your forehead.
| Answer
Angle |
Bob. If
you do not remember her name, call her Bob. This will buy
you some time until you can pull her actual name out from
under that heap of sports statistics and movie quotes in
your mind. If you can play it off well enough, continue
calling her Bob. She’ll think you’re joking. This will buy
you even more time. I’m not speaking hypothetically here. I
have two friends who have employed this strategy, and so far
it’s two for two. The stats don’t lie. |
| Dan’s
Answer |
Bob.
(I’m serious, man. It straight up works. Thank me later.) |
"WHY ARE YOU WEARING MY UNDERWEAR?"
There are few things in this world hotter than a chick in guy’s underwear, so
why the double standard? I’d
snap off a hundred boners to see you in boxers and a wife beater, but if I
want to strap on some lingerie and strut my stuff, I’m not “sexy” or “allowed
back in Victoria’s Secret.” It’s all part of some bullshit feminist agenda, the
same one that brought us women voters and stay-at-home dads. Before you know it,
people will actually be watching the WNBA.
| Answer
Angle |
What did
I tell you about being caught with no pants on? You’re on
your own here, ya damn freak. Might I suggest a little role
play though? Switch it up, maybe? You’re the girl. She’s the
guy. Except, you’re a girl with a “strap-on” and she’s a gay
dude. Whatever gets you in the backdoor. Am I right? |
| Dan’s
Answer |
What?
You don’t like the way your thong bisects my nutsack? |
Even if you can’t account for every mind-numbing question that’s going to
spill out of a girl’s mouth, you can improve your chances by approaching these
situations with the right mindset. Basically, be the dick that girls love to
hate, rather than
the pussy-whipped cuddlebear that girls love to control. Groundbreaking
stuff, I know. Also, you’re from Mars, she’s from Venus, and you’re just not
that into her… because even alien chicks never stop with the stupid questions.
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