Welcome to Camp Longface, the only adult summer camp for the seasonally depressed!

Are YOU struggling to cope with adult life due to Summer Seasonal Affective Disorder (SSAD)? Here at Camp Longface, we know that Seasonal Affective Disorder can strike year-round—not just in the winter. Relish in your melancholy with this personalized itinerary of camp activities that will allow you to wallow in peace.


Bird Watching

Bird watching is the perfect activity when you can’t fathom interacting with other humans. Scout out Mother Nature’s finest feathered beings while indulging in pure, uninterrupted solitude. Especially if you can’t stand hearing Ralphie boast about how his seasonal affective disorder ends the moment spring comes. That’s when my shit starts, Ralphie.


Craft Time

Not in the mood to glue a bunch of twigs into the shape of a peace sign? No worries, craft time at Camp Longface is the perfect opportunity to stare sullenly at your fellow campers. After all, your deep-seated Imposter Syndrome has convinced you that their crafts are consistently better than yours, so what’s the point in trying? Your desolation can be easily disguised as quiet craft contemplation.


Insomnia Flashlight Tag

This new twist on flashlight tag is the perfect way for our SSAD campers to have a little fun while suffering from debilitating insomnia. Our version of the game is a lot like the original—only instead of searching for hiding friends, you wander aimlessly through the campgrounds after dark searching for your purpose in life. Best of luck on that one!


Internalized Anxiety Talent Show

Compartmentalizing your emotions is something we celebrate here at Camp Longface. Why confront your feelings when you can bottle them up like colored sand (see “Craft Time”)? That’s why we invite all campers and counselors to participate in our annual Internalized Anxiety Talent Show! Wow the crowd with incredible feats of strength like pushing away the people who love you most. You can even show off your acting prowess by repeating the line “I’m fine” so often it sounds almost believable. Are you fine, Susan? Are you?


Tick Removal

At Camp Longface, you don’t have to worry about ticks! Not that you won’t attract any—this place is crawling with ‘em—but since SSAD-ness has zapped the last of your libido, hosting a parasite on your body will make you feel desirable for the first time in months. Talk about Big Tick Energy, are we right? Ah, summer love.


Canoeing

Canoeing is the perfect way for SSAD campers to enjoy the great outdoors while paddling in an arduous, seemingly unending circle. Sound familiar, depressives? Canoeing is also the ideal way to cool off during those times when you genuinely don’t know if your profuse sweating is a result of an oncoming panic attack or humidity.


Emotional Archery

We found out the hard way that giving a bunch of seasonally affected campers real arrows was a bad idea (sorry, Patrick—hope your eye socket has healed!). That’s why we developed emotional archery! Our one-of-a-kind program is almost identical to traditional archery. Only, instead of arrows, we use emotional burden. And instead of targets, we use healthy life goals. And instead of hitting the bullseyes, we generally end up shooting ourselves in the foot.


Polar Bear Swims

Nothing gives you the jolt of energy you need to face the cruel light of day like a refreshing dip in the freezing cold lake. Not to mention the fact that you haven’t showered in days and it’s getting harder to convince yourself the odor is just part of your new “nature loving” personality. Sure, the freezing water of the lake feels like a thousand needles being lodged into your body. But sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that you can feel anything at all.


What are you waiting for? Join us at Camp Longface today!


Will you tweet or share this article? Circle YES/NO.

Join other PIC writers in a comedy class at The Second City online (10% off), or subscribe to our newsletter for all-new articles (100% free).