From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Re: Sugar, Pour Some On Me

Dear Mr. Elliot et al.,

Upon discovering your song, “Pour Some Sugar On Me,’ we have reason to be concerned you intend to manufacture food and dairy products within the U.S. on your forthcoming visit. Here are some pre-emptive guidelines pertaining to your business we hope you will keep in mind.

21 CFR 114.10(b)(3) — Adequate handwashing facilities must be provided to all food preparation staff. If employees are regularly found to be “sticky sweet” from head to foot, a shower must available on premises or the employees sent home.

21 CFR 114.25(h)(4)(ii) — Shattered glass is a serious health hazard, and if bottles are regularly shaken/broken up in the food preparation area it is advised that debris is cleaned and immediately discarded in an appropriately labeled sharps disposal container.

21 CFR 114.39(b)(2)(i)(H) — Patrons may not bring their own peaches, while you supply the cream. It’s weird, and—we think you will shortly find—not a competitive business model.

Welcome to the States!

Washington DC Department of Health


From: [email protected]
To: [curtis jackson] [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]

Re: Candy Shop

Dear Mr. Cent,

Thank you for your cooperation in the inspection of your business on 1/23/04. We are processing your Form 483. In the meantime, please provide the following background information:

1) Who is “Olivia?” It seems like an assumed name.

2) What are Olivia’s hours? During our visit, you repeatedly asked Olivia to “keep going until you [Olivia] hit the spot.” How long does that generally take, and is it longer than the 8-hour workday advised for any food preparation environment where machinery or sharp objects may be used?

3) Is Olivia licensed to operate said machinery involved in the production of candy? Please respond with scanned copies of her certifications.

Best,

New York City Department of Health


From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Re: Milkshake

Dear Ms. Rogers,

Please find below the results of your inspection, as provided to you on your Form 483. Your premises, although successful in bringing boys to the yard, failed to meet FDA standards on the following criteria:

21 CFR 110.40(e) — Lack of an accurate indicating thermometer, temperature measuring device, or temperature recording device in each freezer and cold storage compartment (see: your insistence on “warming it up” despite the presence of numerous dairy products.)

21 CFR 110.69(h)(4) — Strange men in food preparation area.

21 CFR 110.37(d)(2) — Failure to keep toilets in good repair. This didn't have anything to do with the song, but somebody had to say it.

Please respond in writing with specific corrective steps you have taken. If we do not hear back from you, we may take further action including, but not limited to, your being subject to fees for re-inspection costs. That is to say, we can teach you, but we have to charge.

Best,

New York City Department of Health


From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Re: Birthday Cake

Dear Ms. Fenty,

Please find below the summary of your Form 483 and respond detailing corrective steps you have taken as soon as possible.

21 CFR 110.10(b)(8) — Employees and patrons observed to be eating food and drinking beverages in food preparation areas where food is exposed.

21 CFR 110.5(a) — Letting patrons “put their name on” baked goods, before and after sale.

21 CFR 110.5(b) — Inviting those same patrons to “lick the icing off.”

21 CFR 110.34(h)(2)(iii)(B)(7)(#12) — Annoying us with repetitive lyrics.

If you have questions about our jurisdiction while you operate out of the US, do not hesitate to reach out so these issues can be swiftly resolved. We suggest you get to work work work work work.

Best,

County of Los Angeles Department of Public Health


From: [email protected]
To: [Onika Tanya Maraj] [email protected], [Aubrey Drake Graham] [email protected], [Dwayne Michael Carter Jr.][email protected]

Re: Truffle Butter

Dear Ms. Maraj et. al,

We have looked up what this phrase means on Urban Dictionary, and we do not like it. We are concerned about the health and safety of all employees, as dangerous bacteria found in feces may be transmitted on or around food preparation surfaces. Furthermore, your associate Mr. Wayne should be informed that, unless proper storage practices are enforced (see attached PDF “Storing Food Safely” 37KB), it is inadvisable to simply ‘eat it [the truffle butter] in the morning’ We will be conducting a formal inspection of your premises within 15 days.

Best,

New York City Department of Health

We're now accepting list submissions! Although we're contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.