Dear Dominic,

When the youngest of my three daughters, Charmander, was 14, she told me she was a lesbian. Being from a small conservative town in Arkansas, this threw me for a loop. My husband and I argued to high Heaven with Charmander for years and years trying to change her mind. It was hard, but eventually we made peace with her lifestyle and learned to love our daughter for who she is. Plus we have two normal daughters so we figure two out of three ain’t bad.

Now she’s 23 and has started dating a Pakistani. Oh tickle my pickle and lick my grapefruits!

There have to be only two lesbian Pakistanis in all of Arkansas and my daughter has to meet one of them. I have nothing against Pakistan and its people, it’s just a little much y’know? Lesbian and Middle Easterner? Also, my daughter’s girlfriend is a Muslim, and if I find out she had anything to do with 9/11 I’ll have a heart attack.

As a respectable and well-endowed Christian woman, how should I go about telling my daughter I disapprove of who she scissors her time with?

Signed,
Really Active Christian Idealist Seeks Teaching

 Pakistani lesbian women

Dear RACIST,

Some parts of your story don’t seem to be adding up. You said your daughter was 14, then one paragraph later she’s suddenly 23? Children don’t grow up that fast. You claim to be a devout Christian yet you name your daughter after a Generation I Pokémon? Generation II is all that matters, you filthy casual. You say you’re from Arkansas but you aren’t illiterate? Girl, please (read that as "guuuurrrrrll pleeeeeaze," and imagine that I snap my fingers all sassy-like because that is what I’m doing right now).

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Regardless, I have your letter in one hand and a glass of Relevant Seasonal Beverage in the other, so I may as well answer your question.

It was very brave of you and your husband to accept your daughter for her deviant sexual preferences. It is unfortunate that, regardless of how noble a life she may lead, she will be damned to the fiery pits of Hell for all eternity just for being attracted to members of her own sex, but rules are rules. Make sure she’s not eating shrimp too, otherwise she’ll go to Super Hell. It’s like Regular Hell only everyone talks using gratuitous air quotes.

While you may be apprehensive about your daughter’s Middle Eastern girlfriend, you truly have nothing to fear. Middle Easterners are just like you or me, however, there are a few safety tips you should adopt to avoid any unnecessary conflict.

  • Make noise when the girlfriend stops by your house. Middle Easterners hate to be surprised, so be sure to make your presence known.
  • Travel in groups when around the girlfriend. Groups make more noise and appear more formidable to Middle Easterners.
  • Do not leave food out in the open when the girlfriend is around. Middle Easterners have a very keen sense of smell and will be attracted to strong odors.
  • Do not allow the girlfriend to eat human food. If a Middle Easterner eats human food, even once, they become very aggressive and must be either relocated or put down.
  • If the girlfriend approaches or charges at you DO NOT RUN. Middle Easterners will often "bluff charge" their way out of threatening situations, so running away will only serve to excite them and put you in danger.
  • If the girlfriend gets too close stand your ground, wave your arms above your head, and talk (don’t scream) loudly. Middle Easterners will often leave if they see their prey is aggressive.
  • Carry around Middle Eastern Spray. It is a non-toxic, non-lethal spray that will deter the girlfriend, giving you time to escape.
  • In the rare occasion that the girlfriend has attacked you, lie face down on the ground and put your hands over the back of your neck. Continue playing dead until the girlfriend has left. Middle Easterners often do not go after already dead prey.
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Following the aforementioned safety tips should ensure that you find your daughter’s girlfriend a wonderful addition to your family. For further inquiries, contact the campground kiosk or the nearest park ranger.

Sincerely,
Dr. Coats

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