I get bored pretty often. You’d be surprised how much time a person can spend shattering the laws of nature by trying to lick their elbow (and failing horribly). People do a lot of things they regret when they’re bored, like putting UFO’s in their mouths, pranking loved ones they don’t really love, acting ratchet, etc. And I know this because, like those people, I also have too much time on my hands, along with a very short attention span and a desire to be funny.

Being alone at home is something I’ve been doing a lot lately. Boredom has given me more time to hang out (and or plot world domination) with my dog. Much of the time I just look at my four-legged friend/slave hoping to catch him doing something unexpected and exciting like licking his balls, because then I can yell, “Whaaaaaaaaat? I thought we got you neutered?!” We spend most of our time together doing crazy off the wall shizzy. You should see us when we’re sitting on the ground watching The View, or sitting on the ground watching The Talk, or the even crazier sitting on the ground watching “Kanye West: Vampire Edition” (the last one is pretty gruesome).

If I get my dog higher than a rocketship then he’ll have to start talking, and who knows what the fuck he’ll say.As you can probably tell by now, my dog and I have a really intimate, mutually beneficial relationship. It’s the everyday “I scratch his belly, he gets his belly scratched until he gets annoyed and walks away while thinking I run this bitch in his head” sort of deal that everybody loves. But the best part of having this dog is that we can be bored, TOGETHER!

Dog licks face
The joy of getting your face licked off, every day.

I’ve heard that people around my age (or any age really) can be easily persuaded into doing drugs, which is pretty true (thanks “500 Fun Facts”). Honestly, if somebody was trying to get me to do coke by dangling it in front of my face and saying, “C’mon, all the cool kids are doing it” in a dirty English accent, then I’d probably say no. Why? Well first off, I don’t believe in putting white things in my mouth unless it can rot the hell out of my teeth (SHOUT OUT TO SUGAR! I LOVE YOU HOMMIE!). Second, and most importantly, the only drugs I plan on taking are alcohol, ecstasy, and a couple things on the shelves at CVS because I’m a pussy when it comes to being sick. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t be the star of my own Intervention episode, or wind up in a Washington inpatient drug rehabilitation program. Well…at least not anytime soon.

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Actually, turning down drug offers is one of the few things I’m actually good at, right next to eating and talking shit about Disney. Currently I’m a drug-free American (yay!), but statistics show that being bored and young increases the chances of me going under the influence, or as some would say, becoming more badass. Having no desire to try drugs may not last for much longer and this scares me (sarcasm), so I’ve made a decision: if it comes down to it, the first drug I want to try is weed—the big 420. And the animal I want to pop my druggy cherry with is… DRUM ROLL… my dog! Why? Well, because I’m just interested in seeing what would happen if I got high with my pet (I thought everyone wanted to do it at some point in their lives).

I could smoke my first blunt with more respectable people like Rihanna, Wavves, or any of the members of Young Money (Cash Money), but instead I choose my dog, mainly because I’ve never heard my dog say actual words. If I get my dog higher than a rocketship then he’ll have to start talking, and when he does, who knows what the fuck he’ll say. Bill Cosby will have to make a show titled “Dogs Say the Darndest Things.”

Bill Cosby - Dogs Say the Darndest Things
Starring a boy and his dog, both high on life AND marijuana.

Everything would just be really cool when we’re high together. We’ll finally be able to have heated debates, talk about what being less of a man feels like, discuss our incredibly good taste in munchy cuisine and plot an invasion of Tokyo not plot an invasion of Tokyo. When my canine friend and I space out, the world will be our oyster. We might even do things to benefit society like donating to charity or starting a band (THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!!! Depending how much weed we smoke). But these are just ideas. Again, I’ve never smoked weed….or anything first hand. I don’t really know what would happen if I did, but I can make pretty accurate guesses, and that’s the fun part! In other words, if you’re worried for my well-being, don’t be. I won’t be seeking out anything that could mess up my brain cells anytime soon.

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My dog however, is another story. He might have a double life as an animal “Mexican” drug lord (specializing in dealing heroine and cat nip, aka feline crack). Assuming that we both have single lives which are semi-innocent and drug lord-free, the only thing I’ll do for now is be the angst-filled young person I have morphed into (thanks, television). And my dog, well he’ll just keep on being the awesome companion he’s been for the past five years, showering me and my neighbors with love…

Mean, angry dog showing teeth snarling

…and pure fear.

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