If you read my most recent recipe post, “Frozen Bananas Thrust in Chocolate Pudding,” you know how excited I am to partner with the erectile dysfunction drug Cialis to show you all the amazing things dads can do to get their swagger back. I’m going to give you the tools to be the stiffest competition at the neighborhood Halloween costume contest.

Here are six DIY Halloween costume ideas for the res-erected dad.

1. Skeleton

We all know that boners don’t have any actual bones in them. Erections are caused by blood rushing into the penis. But don’t let scientific facts, or a case of impotence easily solved by Cialis, get in the way of celebrating your masculine pride.

Grab an old black and white skeleton costume out of your dress-up bin and cut a hole in the crotch. Google “femur” images, print out the stiffest one, and glue it to a black sock. Pop a Cialis, strap that bone to your own and BOO! – a costume that will scare them stiff!

2. Tent

Pull out a comfy pair of camouflage sweatpants and cut a poke hole for your tent pole. Scrounge around your crafting room for a one foot by one foot square of nylon, four safety pins, and the appropriate dose of Cialis as directed by your doctor. Center the nylon square over your support stiffy and pin it down. Cut a two-inch easy-access slit on the bottom side, just in case the wife comes asking for you put out her campfire!

3. Hot Dog Vendor

Halloween is American, like baseball and peak sexual performance. Search around your basement for one of those strap-on stadium vendor hot dog boxes. Drill a hole in it. Take a Cialis and mount the box. For the full effect, lay your wiener in a hot dog bun and spruce it up with some mustard and onions.

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Speaking of chemical-filled meat sticks, make sure to never take Cialis while on nitrates as it can cause an unexpected drop in blood pressure. Whip, it out at the baaall gaaame!

4. Letter E

There are many great E words, like “erect,” “ejaculate,” and “effects,” as in side effects of Cialis include headache, upset stomach, and back pain. Take a flashlight to your crawl space and dig out that white adult onesie you’ve been saving for a special occasion. Cut a hole in the crotch. Take a Cialis, slip a white umbrella cover over that baby arm in boxing glove and get trick-or-treating.

But remember, this costume needs regular demonstration for people to get it. Be sure to hold one arm and one leg out in regular intervals and shout “E is for erection, sponsored by Cialis!”

5. Sperm Donor

Search around your shed for one of those medical robes that ties in the back. Cut a hole in the front, specifically at crotch-level. Ingest some Cialis and balance a clear plastic cup on angry Uncle Dick. Cialis has been clinically proven to give you such a raging hard-on that it will explode if you flick it. Accessorize with a few issues of Hustler and announce to anyone who will listen that you’re ready to help some lesbians start a family!

6. Oil Derrick

Oil derricks are typically monochromatic, so eliminate the hassle of cutting a hole in your pants by just going naked. Pound a Cialis with a few shots of tequila. In order for this costume to really work, you’ll need your wife to dress up like the Earth so you can show everyone how you drill for oil. The good news is that Cialis can last up to 36 hours, so you’ll have practically the whole weekend to pump for liquid gold!

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