We all know that the main purpose of weddings is to prove how cool and quirky you are. Unfortunately, we can’t all be badass Bohemian Queens.

Luckily for you, I’ve had weddings in all four seasons, and came up with totally FUN unique themes based on my favorite part of each season, so you mainstreamers don’t have to!

Autumn Wedding: Black Friday

For a theme that screams unorthodox, look no further than the absolute best day of Autumn. The key to making it work is authenticity. Make guests camp outside the venue overnight, and be sure to rent rain machines in case God doesn’t deliver.

Ensure that there’s a shortage of supplies. If you’re successful, you should achieve a vibe of hysteria.

Winter Wedding: Seasonal Affective Disorder

So your new husband mysteriously disappeared on Halloween, you’re marrying his much hotter brother, and you need a unique theme. It’s thought that disruption to the hypothalamus causes SAD, so induce it in your guests by placing magnetic field generators near their heads, creating temporary virtual lesions on their hypothalamuses (YAY SCIENCE!).

Your wedding will have the hippest vibes of 2018: persistent low mood, irritability, and feelings of despair, guilt, and worthlessness!

Spring Wedding: Surprise!

Your new husband turned out to be disappointing in bed, then fell (with no pushing) into a frozen lake and died. You’re marrying the detective in charge, and want an awesome Spring theme.

Well, that’s impossible; Spring is the worst. So do as I did, and have another Winter theme: “Snuggled Up By the Fireplace While People Outside Freeze to Death.”

Tell your guests the theme is “swimwear,” then have them enter a giant walk-in freezer. Meanwhile, Skype them from a sauna. People will be talking about your wedding for YEARS!

Summer Wedding: Wasps

Your new husband became suspicious of your last husband’s death, then locked HIMSELF out of the cabin on your honeymoon safari and got mauled to death by a lion.

What’s the perfect Summer theme for your wedding to the handsome safari guide? Wasps!

Hire a recording studio and remove all equipment. During the reception, stand on one side of the glass division, with everyone else on the other side. Release swarms of wasps into their side and laugh and laugh and LAUGH!

A Funeral For All Seasons: Avocado

Your new husband was heir to a large fortune, and had a totally UNKNOWN extreme wasp-sting allergy, and died of anaphylactic shock. No matter how many dead husbands you have, this evergreen funeral is perfect for all seasons. The avocado theme guarantees a funeral that is mushy, extremely popular, and all over everyone’s social media; maybe then you can convince more people that his death was a TOTAL ACCIDENT and you love and miss him VERY MUCH.

Remember, when it comes to weddings, conventionality is the enemy!

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