The stresses of life weigh upon us all, and amidst the chaos in these turbulent times, it can be difficult to truly unwind and gift yourself a mental break. If you’re feeling stressed or emotionally overwhelmed, consider practicing these relaxation techniques designed for when you’re feeling anxious or looting a RadioShack.

Let’s begin with an exercise that combines diaphragmatic breathing with progressive muscle relaxation. Start in the standing upright position and, using your lower legs, bend forward until your hands are lightly resting upon the cinderblock. Now, breathing in through your nose and filling your inner belly, carefully hoist the block in a smooth, upwards motion, to about waist height.

Commence a full-body rotation, arms outstretched, and swing the cement block in a circular motion, using its momentum to generate a steadying centrifugal force. Be sure to exhale the entire time (30-40 seconds).

In a single fluid motion, serenely release the cinderblock from your grasp. As the physical burden lifts, feel your emotional burden dissipate with it. Visualize your negative energy shattering along with the glass windows of the RadioShack storefront.

As alarms begin to wail, use visual imagery to transport yourself to a calm, meditative place, perhaps on the beach, or inside of a Radio Shack. Close your eyes and imagine literally stepping onto that beach/into that Radio Shack. What does it look like there? What are the sights, smells, and sounds? Is that a VCR?

This concludes Side A of this audio cassette. Please remove the audio cassette, and re-insert it into the player. If you do not have a cassette player, remember that you are in a Radio Shack.

Hello, and welcome to Side B of Relaxation Techniques For When You’re Feeling Anxious Or Looting A Radio Shack. Thank you for purchasing this audio cassette.

Practice mindfulness. Remain present as you haul ass down the aisles, reminding yourself to stay in the moment as you sweep armfuls of electronics off the shelves and into a burlap sack. Pause and ask yourself—why am I choosing between Will Smith vehicle Hancock on DVD and Will Smith vehicle Hancock on Blu-Ray? Your new multimedia system plays both disc formats.

If you instead chose the beach as your calming place, try walking along the surf to see if there is a waterfront RadioShack.

Let’s return to simple breathing exercises. Many find it helpful to perform these as white noise plays in the background, so consider tuning your new portable analog AM/FM weather radio to probably any station.

Next, we’ll attempt an ancient meditation technique invented by ascetic monks, spiritual devotees who forwent all of life’s pleasures in favor of solitude, prudence, and providence. Try channeling their discipline as you yank the copper wiring out of the walls and strip it for meditation cassette money.

Above all, remember that everyone experiences anxiety—it’s a natural human emotion all of us must cope with when gutting electronics stores for everything they’ve got. As you rely on these techniques, feel the anxious feelings subside as your heartbeat falls to a resting rate, allow yourself to return to your normal headspace, rejoin the outside world, and head on over to Circuit City.

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