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Dear Readers,
Advice columns have been a mainstay of papers and magazines since Steve
Guttenberg invented the printing press over a dozen years or so ago. As rife
with comedic potential as these columns can be, I’ve avoided the impulse to
perpetuate the clear lack of innovative writing formats. Screw that now.
Like the cap on your
yuppie Zima bottles, I require my advice columns to have a twist. Here it
is: every other week or so I will answer a blend of questions from around the
globe, yet I will also have a guest PIC staffer/contributing writer/hobo address
the questions as well. Somewhere amidst the blather you may find some sound
advice. This is not a guarantee. This week’s contributing writer (and the man
who compiled the questions) is
Tom McCormack. Note his subtle blend of humorous herbs and spices. Tom’s
responses come first, followed by my own
in red. I’ve masked (most) of the names to protect
the inane. Hope you enjoy.
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Dear Points in Case,
Sometimes when I get back to the dorm late, and I've been drinking, I like to
watch re-runs of Frasier, does this make me gay?
Sincerely,
Drinking in the Closet
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Dear Drinking,
Contrary to what your fraternity brothers may be telling you, there are no
activities that
will make you gay. However, certain patterns of behavior can be a sign that
you are a repressed homosexual. What makes me think this is the case is not that
you watch Frasier, but the obvious anxiety you have about this activity
and your sexuality in general.
On the other hand, I think there’s more than you’re
telling us, Jim. For instance, do you find yourself grasping for a dictionary or
perhaps a self-warming lube whenever Frasier says something particularly witty?
Do you often fantasize about Kelsey Grammer’s expansive vocabulary or maybe his
collection of ass-less chaps?
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Dear Points in Case,
My roommate won't stop having sex with her boyfriend when I'm in the room. I
don't want to say anything so I just leave. This has been happening constantly
and it is beginning to affect my grades.
Sincerely,
The Involuntary Voyeur
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Dear Involuntary Voyeur,
As a first course of action you should remove all condoms from the room. This
way, when your roommate and her boyfriend start getting busy, they will realize
they have no condoms and have to go buy more, at which point you can barricade
yourself inside your room. Another option is to seduce your roommate’s boyfriend
and then tell her about it, though this may do more harm than good. I would
strongly recommend talking to your roommate, be subtle and say something to this
effect; “Hey, have you ever tried screwing outdoors? It's really fun and I hear
that everyone who's not fat does it all the time.”
First off, I’d like to commend you for bravely stepping
forward with this issue. Every year, millions of collegians gasp in horror as
their roommates’ sex lives kill their GPAs. I suspect it’s due to the streams of
ejaculate clogging printers or staining freshly-typed research papers. That’s
what always pissed my roommate off. I recommend you have a “sit down” with your
roommate to discuss proper cleansing methods. Just as no one wants to sleep in
the wet spot, your roommate should understand how difficult it can be to work in
one as well.
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Dear Points in Case, My girlfriend
is not cool with oral sex, giving or receiving. I really love her and
want to be with her but I don't know if I can do without blowjobs.
Sincerely,
The Unblown Unknown
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Dear Unblown, Boy, this
is a tough problem. If we think about it long and hard we
can see that you have two options: deal with it or find a
new girlfriend.
If I’ve learned anything from Christmas, it’s that
giving children explosives is a messy way to curb overpopulation. Many women
believe that oral sex is an equally messy means of the same goal. You should
explain to your girlfriend how that simply isn’t the case and that good oral
hygiene is recommended by the American Dental Association. If that doesn’t work,
subtly replace her usual snacks with a variety of phallic foods and images until
she is mesmerized into submission. I recommend popsicles, frozen yogurt (deport
anyone who calls it “fro-yo”), and assorted fruits. Hey, it could work.
Otherwise, talk with her about what makes her uncomfortable and keep in mind she
may never be interested.
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Dear Points in Case,
I like to smoke weed but my girlfriend likes to get drunk.
Sincerely,
Stoned-sober
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Dear Stoned,
Good for you guys. In the future, don't write us letters when you're stoned.
It seems we have a crisis here, Rob. Fear not though,
the final solution lies just beneath your drug-addled, hazy eyes: Make a beer
bong. Consider it the best of both worlds. It’s cheaper than buying an ounce,
yet you can both get blitzed together. Not into beer? Don’t worry. With your
drunken girlfriend on the loose, you won’t have to worry about her being your
problem for very long. Chances are you’ll be too stoned to notice she’s found
someone else, and she’ll be too drunk to care. Congrats. Everyone is a loser.
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Dear Points in Case,
When I sleep with my boyfriend, it's like he becomes a completely different
person. His voice changes and he sounds weird and he says things that he'd never
say normally. Also, I swear to god he gets taller.
Sincerely,
Stranger in my Bed
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Dear Stranger, It's
possible that you are simply not used to the way that people
might act during sex. Remember, the way that someone behaves
during an ordinary day, might not be how they behave during
sex. I would recommend talking to him about what you're
feeling. You shouldn't do anything that makes you feel
uncomfortable, but I do want to tell that “letting loose”
and letting yourself indulge a world of fantasy during sex
may be satisfying. I must say that your comment about him
getting taller worries me. On second thought, have you
considered the possibility that you are actually sleeping
with one of his friends, this is not uncommon for women your
age.
You’re right. Your boyfriend does undergo a
transformation during sex. The question is whether he is here to protect us or
destroy us. Check his chest for the unmistakable symbol of the Decepticons.
Also, ask him to fast forward to the future to find out whether the
Transformers movie is going to suck or not.
Oh, you’re legitimately concerned? Um, what can I say?
Your boyfriend has watched too many movies, is a latent schizophrenic, takes
hallucinogenic narcotics while you mount his Flex Armstrong-like physique, etc.
For love of the game, calm down the crazy, Laura. Chances are you simply need to
communicate your “sexpectations” to your boyfriend. Is he too talkative? Is he
not talkative enough? Do you have a “safe word?” Take some initiative and bring
up the subject outside of the bedroom. Also, it’s common for a guy’s feet to
appear longer when erect.
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Dear Points in Case, My boyfriend
insists on watching TV while I go down on him, but he gets offended if I
read while he goes down on me. He says that reading is “more involved”
than watching TV. It's driving me crazy, what should I tell him?
Sincerely,
Down With Literacy
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Dear Down,
Have you asked him how he would feel about you
listening to a book on tape? After all, he could hardly say that a book on
tape requires more attention that the television. Unless, of course, he is
talking about the quality of the different activities and claiming that
television requires less attention because the programming is so offensively
insipid. If that is the case, he is probably right and there is simply nothing I
can tell you.
You should tell him to be thankful he’s getting blown
while the tube is on. Mind if I call your boyfriend “Chuckles?” You do? Hell if
I care. Listen, Chuckles. I won’t knock the good thing you’ve got going, but
what the hell is your problem? Have you any idea of the penises in third-world
countries that go un-sucked each day? As my father (aka “Uncle Mailman”) would
always say, don’t upset the mouth that blows you.
But honestly, Diane: your boyfriend isn’t properly
articulating the prevalent male gripe to women reading during our muff-diving
expedition. Most males would oppose your reading because we like your attention
to be focused on our snorkeling. For those who habitually explore the Great
Vaginal Reefs, it’s important to know you appreciate the effort. For those who
only dive on special occasions, it’s still pretty damn important to know you
appreciate the effort.
Women often bitch about guys looking at them during a
blowjob, so the practice of diversionary glances/activities has become quite
popular among guys. Maybe you can lend him a scrunchie or let him braid your
hair. Maybe you can both agree to lay back and allow the other to blow off some
steam.
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Dear Points in Case,
When it's warm out I like to get ice cream. My favorite flavor is Cherry
Vanilla. Does that make me gay?
Sincerely,
Tutti Frutti (But Not in a Gay Way)
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Dear Frutti, You people are really tiring me out.
For the last time, you can't be made gay, things might simply
illustrate to everyone that you are gay. In this case, I would not
say that ordering Cherry Vanilla ice cream is a signal that you're
gay, it's a good, tasty flavor.
Yes, Brian. It makes you gay (gay as a hot pink jock
strap, gay as
show tune ringtones, gay as a homophobic advice question from a
closet-case…).
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Dear Points in Case, What's with all these bitches talking
their mouths at motherfuckers like whoa and don't they know I beat
they ass.
Sincerely,
The Bobinator
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Dear Bobinator, I have no idea what you just said.
I can only assume that it was misogynistic, and possibly racist, in
which case I'm going to have to tell you not to write to me, or
anyone else, any more. Also, I would strongly advise against the use
of nicknames, maybe you are being ironic, but I doubt it.
Palabra. I’ve often said the same thing, only less
articulate.
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Remember, folks: only you can sacrifice questions before our altar of
ridicule. Otherwise, we’ll have to just make them up. So send in your questions
for our ambivalent staff of unqualified sociologists and malcontents. We promise
to make you smile or perhaps make you cry. We rarely decide in advance. Check
out
The Scholarly Tabloid for the latest edition of “Point and
Counterpointless.” Next week’s guest writer is PIC editor Court Sullivan.
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