Dear fellow troll enthusiasts —

I am very much looking forward to this week’s National Three-Eyed Troll Association Convention, an event that unites three-eyed troll enthusiasts from sea to shining sea. As a Senator, I've vehemently supported the rights of three-eyed troll enthusiasts and am a proud recipient of the Golden Troll Claws for my work defending our rights to keep and breed these majestic, mythical creatures.

You may have heard that my security detail has asked that three-eyed trolls not be present during my keynote address. Rest assured, I am still very much in support of Americans having three-eyed trolls in public, in the open, concealed under a tarp, or otherwise.

My security detail doesn’t allow three-eyed trolls at any of my speaking engagements—even if I’m traveling to a troll-friendly zone like Texas or a Reddit meet-up.

First, let me say that no one supports three-eyed troll rights as ardently as I do. I am constantly in the trenches battling against those who want to keep three-eyed trolls out of schools, movie theaters, and places of worship. Tighter troll control laws to keep them only in fetid swamps or under bridges? Not on my watch! If we regulate the possession of vicious, drooling three-eyed trolls, how will we defend ourselves against dragon attacks? Who will answer the call for a three-eyed troll militia in the case that the government unleashes their own mythological creatures on innocent civilians? Who will defend the innocents when villains wield three-eyed trolls with malicious intent? Good guys with trolls, that’s who!

That brings me to you: an admirable group of patriots committed to lugging around enormous, moss-covered trolls for your protection and enjoyment. I can’t emphasize enough how deeply I respect your sportsmanship, your passion, and your mastery of lumpy, foul-smelling three-eyed trolls. However, as an extremely high-profile public figure with many expensive suits, I respectfully ask that your trolls sit this one out.

Rest assured, I am not at all concerned with the presence of three-eyed trolls in public places—the more trolls the merrier, if you ask me! But if a troll eats my head, how will I spread the message that wielding trolls is a God-given right? With great difficulty, that’s how! Plus it would put a real damper on the keynote address I’m preparing to advance my political agenda.

My security detail doesn’t allow three-eyed trolls at any of my speaking engagements—even if I’m traveling to a troll-friendly zone like Texas or a Reddit meet-up. My bodyguards are uneasy with the threat that a troll may pluck out my eyeballs and devour my legs like tender boneless wings.

If it were any other situation, I would love to let you exercise your rights—hell, I'd bring my own menacing three-eyed trolls! But just not when I’m in a vulnerable position in front of a crowd of people.

After my keynote address, I’d encourage you to keep fighting the good fight to make sure you maintain your right to keep three-eyed trolls. Don’t let the snowflakes get you down!

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