Ladies and gentlemen, wwwelcome to the PIC 10th Anniversary Maain Event! A recklessly selected panel of 18 PIC writers, past and present, have each come up with 5-10 superlatives for various fellow writers. Therefore, each writer listed below will receive one or more awards from one or multiple fellow writers. It’s like one big circle-jerk with inside jokes spraying all over the place!

Thanks to ALL the writers over the last 10 years who have given their time, creativity, and humor to PIC—the site wouldn’t be the same without each and every one of you. Plus, who would we make fun of then? Oh right, readers (love you guys).

Alex Boonstra Columnist

  • Most Likely to Cross Over from Being Homophobic to Just Plain Homo
  • Most Likely to Answer Their Cell Phone in the Bathroom
  • Most Likely to Wake Up in Bed Pinned Under Dead Hooker of Indeterminate Gender
  • Most Likely to Facilitate Early Retirement/Ticker-Tape Parade for Airport Drug-Sniffer Dogs
  • Most Likely to Be Tied Up in Gavin Pitts’ Basement

Ali Wisch Columnist

  • Best Post-Coital Smile
  • Most Likely to Infiltrate Jersey Shore as a Snook-Alike
  • Most Likely to Make Another PIC Writing Comeback and Then Disappear Again

Allen Waters Columnist

  • Most Likely to Be Involved in Black Market Transplant Ring Using Organs of Past PIC Writers (Not Livers)
  • Most Likely to Save a Life via Organ Transplant, Yet Need a New Liver Himself

Amir Blumenfeld Columnist

  • Most Likely to Forget Where He Started in the Comedy World

Allison Parks Columnist

  • Most Likely to Hook Up with Someone Who’s Been on The Surreal Life
  • Most Likely to Send You Porn in the Mailbox
  • Most Likely to Give a Blumpkin
  • Most Likely to Be a Low Class Hooker

Andrei Trostel Columnist

  • Person You Want to Avoid Most in a Yoga Class
  • Most Likely to Use Up PIC’s Bandwidth
  • Guy Whose Columns I Always Have to Read Four Times to Understand
  • Most PIC Spirit
  • Most Likely to Post the First Comment on an Andrei Trostel Article
  • Most Likely to Respond to a Comment
  • Most Likely to Race a Herd of Gazelles on a Phase-Shifting Horse
  • Most Likely to Transform Into a Supernatural Creature as a Result of Being Bitten on the Dick By One

Andy Sandford Blogger

  • Most Likely to Use PIC to Pad Their Comedic Résumé (Tie)

Ashley Garmany Columnist

  • Most Likely to Become CEO of Starbucks Using Nothing More Than Her Boobs
  • Most Likely to Masturbate Before Getting Done Reading This List
  • Most Likely to Respond, "That’s What She Said"
  • Writer I Most Want to Hold in My Masculine Arms, Smell Their Hair and Kiss Softly Below the Deck of a Candlelit Sailboat
  • Most Likely to Stab Someone in the Throat with a Ballpoint Pen in the Candlelit Well of a Sailboat

Ben Angell Contributing Writer

  • Most Likely to Be Raped on a Pinball Machine

Bill Dixon Columnist

  • Most Likely to Be Lindsay Lohan’s Next Personal Assistant
  • Most Likely to Be the Next Person Lindsay Lohan Runs Over in an SUV
  • Most Likely to Freak Out That You Know Something He Posted on His Facebook
  • Most Likely to Successfully Bury Each Member of Diet Dr. Pepper’s "I Exist!" Support Group
  • Most Likely to Start a Weekly Podcast…Um…Wait, What Was I Saying? Oh Right, Shortest Attention Span

Brent Stone Columnist

  • Most Likely to Be a "/B/Tard"

Casey Freeman Columnist

  • Most Likely to Pull His Penis Out at a Party
  • Best Column Series (”My Organs and I…")
  • Most Likely to Post His Next Diary Entry as a PIC Article
  • Most Likely to Write Something Nobody Will Read
  • Most Likely to Win the Lifetime Achievement Award from Organdonor.gov
  • Most Likely to Die (Again) While Doing Something Stupid
  • Most Likely to Be Hunted by Crazed Taxidermist for Skin/Cyber-Converted to Machine Overlord Hive-Mind Through Neck
  • Most Likely to Jump off a Building Pretending to Be a Super Hero Wearing Only Tights
  • Most Likely to Be Completely Robotic by 2020
  • Most Likely to Milk His "Organs" For All They’re Worth
  • Most Likely to Unfold Into Some Kind of Giant Robot
  • Most Likely to Switch Sides Once the US-Korea War Breaks Out
  • Most Likely to End Up Kim Jong Il’s Bitch Boy Sex Slave
  • Easiest Person to Break in Half with Your Bare Hands (Tie)
  • Best All-Around
  • Most Likely to Be a Closet Homosexual

Charlie Mihelich Columnist

  • Hardest Person to Write a Superlative For

Chris Phelan Columnist

  • Most Likely to Overdose on Creatine
  • Most Likely to Hate on Marcus Jordan

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Court Sullivan Editor

  • Most Likely to Still Be Here in Ten Years
  • Most Likely Never to Open This Email
  • Most Likely to Read this Email in 2012
  • Least Likely to Return an Email
  • Most Likely to Retire as Points in Case’s First and Only Hundredaire
  • Most Likely to Die Before Puns Come Back in Style
  • Most Likely to Be Arrested For Carrying a Pun Without a Permit

Court (the Deer) Columnist

  • Most Likely to Get Hit By My Car While Crossing the Street at 2am
  • Most Likely to Appear on Jerry Springer, Claim Rudolph the Reindeer as Father, Smash Chair in Face of Frosty the Snowman

Dan Opp Columnist

  • Most Likely to Text Brett Favre About Fantasy Football

David Nelson Columnist

  • Best Personality
  • Most Likely to Post a Quote About His Wife on Facebook

Dollar Bill Blogger

  • Most Likely to Have an STD

Don Joe Columnist

  • Most Anonymous PIC Writer

E. Mike Tuckerson Columnist

  • Best Use of Small Words and Big Words
  • Most Likely to Become a United States Senator, and Later Be Forced to Resign (Tie)

Emmanuel Witzman Columnist

  • Most Likely to Be in Jail with Julian Assange
  • Most Likely to Secede

Eric Ott Columnist

  • Most Likely to Have a Moon Landing in the Locker Room

Fugly Slut Columnist

  • Most Likely to Fake Breast Cancer for the Sake of Getting Laid
  • Most Likely to Be Dead Hooker of Indeterminate Gender
  • Most Likely to Have Given Dollar Bill an STD
  • Most Likely to Be Patient Zero in the Next STD Pandemic
  • Best Secret Keeper
  • Most Anonymous PIC Writer (That Everyone Knows)

Gavin Pitt Blogger

  • Most Likely to Masturbate to a Picture of Every Male Writer on PIC
  • Closest Last Name to a Sex Symbol That Could Not Possibly Resemble Said Sex Symbol Less
  • Most Likely to Touch Himself Inappropriately During an Autopsy
  • Most Likely to Try to Milk KC’s Organs for All They’re Worth
  • Most Likely to Hear, "I’m Sorry, I Thought You Were a Lesbian"
  • Most Likely to Shove a Moth Chrysalis Down His Victim’s Throat
  • Most Likely to Create a Life-Size Paper Mache Replica of Their Favorite Twilight Actor
  • Most Likely to Be Caught Naked on Robert Pattinson’s Set/Home/Person
  • Most Likely to End Up in Court
  • Most Disturbing Facebook/PIC Comments
  • Most Likely to Have Multiple Restraining Orders Against Him
  • Most Likely to Be a Serial Killer
  • Most Likely to Audition for the Part of Imhotep in The Mummy: The Musical for the Sole Purpose of Being Buried with Scarabs
  • Most Likely to Transform into a Supernatural Creature After Being Bitten on the Dick By Andrei Trostel After He’s Been Bitten on the Dick By a Supernatural Creature

Jake Christie Blogger

  • Most Likely to Write PIC’s First Screenplay

J.B. Hour Blogger

  • Most Pathetic Excuse for a Pseudonym

JD Rebello Columnist

  • Most Likely to Receive Another 10,000 Death Threats from Black People Because of an Article Written Seven Years Ago
  • The "He Made Fun of Me Once!" Award
  • Most Likely to Become a United States Senator, and Later Be Forced to Resign (Tie)

J.E. Weimer Contributing Writer

  • Most Likely to Read "Post a Comment" as "Submit a Rebuttal"

J.M. Lucci Columnist

  • Most Likely to Join a Fraternity at 50

Jeremy Stewart Blogger

  • Least Likely to Write About Anything Other Than Sports
  • Least Likely to Belong to the Mile High Club (You Know, Because You Have to Leave the Couch in Order to Join)
  • Low Class Clown

Jessica Lynn Contributing Writer

  • Most Likely to Suffer a Horrible Accident Involving a Vibrator

John Gillespie Blogger

  • Most Likely to "Legally" Kill Someone
  • Highest

Jonathan Marine Columnist

  • Most Likely to Be Found By Paramedics Eaten By Cats Post-Mortem
  • Most Likely to Forget That THE CAPS LOCK KEY IS ON
  • Most Likely to Have a Huge Dick
  • Most Likely to Actually Get Laid in Real Life
  • Most Attractive PIC Writer of All Time
  • Most Likely to Have a Huge Font to Overcompensate for Other Subconsciously Perceived Inadequacies
  • Most Likely to Fuck Cats and Then Make Strange Comic Strips About Them in Their Free Time

Marcus Terry Contributing Writer

  • Most Likely to Be Mistaken for E. Mike Tuckerson

Martin Stanley Contributing Writer

  • Most Likely to Live in a Trailer (If Not Already)
  • Fanbase Most Similar to Best Buy Customer Base
  • Most Likely to Secretly Wish He Could Fit into an Ed Hardy Shirt

Michael Curtiss Columnist

  • Most Likely to Die While Shitting

Michael Traeger Contributing Writer

  • Most Likely to Be Caught on Cheaters

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Michael Winston Contributing Writer

  • Most Likely to Die Alone in a Pool of His Own Bodily Fluids Next to a Perfectly Working Xbox/PS3
  • Most Likely to Try Meth, But Only ONCE, Promise!
  • Most Likely to Make National Headlines After Shooting a Drive-Thru Customer with a Photon Laser
  • Most Likely to Start PIC’s Next Column

Mike Cannon Columnist

  • Biggest Fart
  • Most Likely to Use PIC to Pad Their Comedic Résumé (Tie)

Mike Faerber Columnist

  • Most Likely to Win a Tickle Fight
  • Most Likely to Have a Vietnamese Family Living in His Beard

Mike Forest Columnist

  • Least Known Mike on Points in Case
  • Most Likely to Form a WWE Tag Team with Nathan DeGraaf

Nathan DeGraaf Columnist

  • Most Routinely Funny Writer
  • Best Stories Even When They’re Fake
  • Most Popular
  • Most Likely to Post Drunk
  • Most Likely to Write Whatever the Damn Hell He Wants
  • Most Likely to Be a Raspy-Voiced Bar Whore Named "Whiskina"
  • Most Likely to Have a Prescription for Viagra
  • Most Likely to Be a 40-Year-Old Virgin
  • Most Likely to Make a Drunken YouTube Video
  • Most Likely to Comment Anonymously Because They’re Too Drunk to Remember Their Password
  • Most Likely to Lull Terrorism to Rest with a Lecture on Economics

NG Hatfield Columnist

  • Most Likely to Succeed (At Being a Perv)
  • Most Likely to Ask Other People to Bukkake Him
  • Most Likely to Starve to Death While Clinging to the Delusion That Writing Dick Jokes Can Put Food on the Table
  • Best Honors English Student
  • Only Person to Ever Put "Honors English Student" on a Bio
  • Most Improved Penis Size
  • Most Likely to Act Like a Spiteful Little Girl When Challenged
  • Most Likely to Suffer From Short Man’s Syndrome In More Ways Than One
  • Most Likely to Become a United States Senator, and Later Be Forced to Resign (Tie)
  • Most Likely to Change Their Name/Profile Before the End of This List

Nick Moose Columnist

  • Most Likely to Have Sex with a McDonald’s McRib Sandwich
  • Most Likely to Get a Really Good Obscure Reference
  • Most Likely to Still Be Going to College When the Sun Goes Nova

Nicole McKaig Columnist

  • Second Best Courtney
  • Most Likely to Keep a Secret
  • Most Likely to Shock Everyone at the 25th Reunion

Paul Frank Columnist

  • Most Likely Person to Lose in a Snow Storm
  • Most Likely to Offend the Coloreds
  • Most Likely to Text You a Racial Slur
  • Easiest Person to Break in Half with Your Bare Hands (Tie)
  • Most Likely to Text Brett Favre a Dick Pic
  • Most Likely to Wake Up in Bed Pinned Under Dead Hooker of Indeterminate Gender and Fuck Them Again Anyway
  • Profile Picture That Will Always Remind Me of Napoleon Dynamite
  • Most Likely to Be Raped While Screaming at the Top of His Lungs, "DO ME, HITLER, LIKE YOU WON THE WAR! LIKE YOU WON THE WAR!"

Robert King Columnist

  • Most Likely to Write a Funny Comment
  • Most Likely to Have an Uncle Named Tom

Roxanne Hamm Blogger

  • Most Likely to Organize PIC’s First Annual Semi-Naked Slumber Party

Sarah Juliet Blogger

  • Most Likely to Be J Lo’s Second Cousin

Scott Goodyer Columnist

  • Most Likely to Be Posting From a Mental Institute

Simonne Cullen Columnist

  • PIC Sweetheart
  • Most Likely to Belong to the Mile High Club

The Man Columnist

  • Most Likely to Be Living in the Woods Somewhere Without Running Water

Wesley Jansen Contributing Writer

  • Creepy Teacher of the Decade
  • Most Likely to Steal Candy from a Baby, Brag About It, Then Get Arrested

Xavier Holland Columnist

  • Most Likely Person to Lose at Night (Until They Smile)
  • Most Likely to Be Offered Lead in Remake of Sister Act By Visibly Drunk Michael Eisner
  • Most Likely to Be Mistaken For a Predator
  • Most Likely to Mug You for Your Textbooks
  • Most Likely to Write for the Site One More Time and Take Another Six-Month Break

Yaro Shepherd Columnist

  • Heaviest Vodka Drinker
  • Most Likely to Start a Rap Career, But Only Rap About Sports

Miscellaneous Superlatives

  • Most Likely to Be the Only Girl on the Website: Some Chick
  • Most Likely to Misinterpret a Knock-Knock Joke: Anonymous
  • Most Likely to Be Working for Cooks Source Magazine: Chad Chamley
  • Best Fake After-School Special Title, Ever: "Swan Dive: The Pamela Reed Acting Story"

Congratulations on your award(s)! But you knew you were going to win, didn’t you?

Please limit your acceptance speeches to 60 seconds in the comments below. When the red light comes on, YOU WILL BE KICKED OFF THE INTERNET.

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