By contributing writer Sarah Juliet

For whatever reason you have chosen to read this article—whether you thirst for knowledge from the newest angle of psychoanalysis, or whether you saw the word “penis” in the title and couldn’t hold back the giggles—you’ve come to the right place. Welcome.

So. It’s summer. Time for 33% of your brain to liquefy and drip out your ear onto the sizzling pavement, along with it evaporating whatever Professor So-and-So taught you about that thing that you once found marginally interesting but now can’t quite seem to place, although you probably could if you gave a fuck but you don’t because, heyyy, it’s summer, let’s all go drop acid and run away from the neighbor’s cat. Ever notice though, that there’s always one piece of arbitrary information that your brain won’t let go of, no matter how much your cranium erodes during break? That’s how I am with a certain philosophical topic I learned of last semester, which is just about the funniest thing ever!!!! (Yes, that was four exclamation points.)

It’s called penis envy, and you probably know a little about it already, but I’ll give you a brief run-through of my understanding. Penis envy is a Freudian concept that basically explains that when a girl is born, she has the constant desire to bone her mom. But then the girl realizes that she cannot do this because alas, she does not have a penis. Then, the girl gets all pissed at her mom because she thinks that she once had a penis and that her mom castrated her. But then the girl’s all like, “Whatev, now I want to bone my dad. Fuck you, Mom.” This theory supposedly explains why mothers and daughters don’t get along, and concludes that every girl has a life-long desire to grow a penis. Also, when boys discover that girls don’t have penises, this is called Castration anxiety.

Ca-raaaazyyyy shit.

I’m not entirely certain how much I buy into this, but it sure does make me laugh. I mean, imagine being like 18-months-old and reaching down into your diaper expecting to readjust what you anticipate to be a dangling package, only to realize you’ve grabbed a fistful of two-dimensional vagina. Startling! But hilarious. I’d probably be mad at my mom too. And then to imagine a little boy’s realization of, “By George, where is her dick?” That little boy must be alarmed at the sight of female genetalia, although I’m sure that fear lasts about 2.5 milliseconds before he offers to share his penis with the girl. Ptshh, typical.

So this is my understanding of penis envy. I might have some of the facts a little skewed, and if I’m wrong, you’re welcome to correct me in my feedback, although by the time you do it’ll be a little too damn late for me to change anything and then you’ll just look like a moron for trying to correct me on an article that I a) wrote weeks ago, and b) don’t care enough about to do any external research besides Wikipedia. Jackass.

This brings me to my little case study. Like I said before, I’m not sure I accept Freud’s concept for all it’s worth, seeing as I sincerely don’t envy your dick, despite what the experts say. But then today I took a stroll along the tightrope separating feminism and chauvinism and I asked myself: Should I be upset that I don’t have a penis? And further, how could my life be improved if I had one?

I chose four subjects to suggest what they consider advantages to having penises. The first subject is myself, seeing as this is my article and I think I deserve to have some input here, even though I myself am sans a penis. The other three subjects are some of the finest, grade-a prime rib males the PIC staff has to offer. First I will share with you my theories regarding penis improvement of life, and then I will analyze the advantage-suggestions of the other writers.

Subject #1

Name: Sarah Romeo
Age: 19
Sex: Female
Sex: Female
(I’m aware that I just put my sex twice, but in some of my past articles, people have had trouble knowing whether I am a man or a woman, and I just wanted to make it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR)
Strengths: Having boobs
Weaknesses: Womanly hysteria
Penis Description: N/A

Penis Advantage #1: Peeing Standing Up
Life Improvement Percentage: 95%

First, to state the obvious, one of the reasons all girls should envy the penis is the righteousness it grants a man: the glorious ability to pee standing up. This is just a given. Let’s look at the action of peeing in the mind of a woman:

Go in stall, lock door, turn around, pull down pants, pull down underwear, sit down. Woo that seat is cold! I’ll squat instead. Waaait for it… waaait for it, ah there we go, peeing. Hmm hmm hmm, oh shit, I’m humming out loud on the toilet, stop that. Alrighty, done peeing. Toilet paper… goddammit there is no toilet paper in here. Okay, reach under next stall… almost got some… alright, great, a singular sheet of toilet paper. Wipe. Sweet, one sheet of TP ain’t gonna cut it. Drip dry. Pull up underwear, pull up pants, stand up, flush, unlock door.

Whether you were disgusted or turned on by that description, that is what women face several times a day. And you wonder why it takes us so long! Now, here is the action of peeing in the mind of a man:

Unzip, point, pee, shake, put back in, zip, flush.

The advantage is clear here. If I had a penis, I would be the Steve McQueen of urinating. And oh, is that a title I have dreamed of earning since youth.

Penis Advantage #2: Instant Hand Warmer
Life Improvement Percentage: 50%

Do you ever wonder why Nicole Richie and the Olsen Twins carry around those extra-hot Venti Non-Fat Vanilla Lattes all day long? It’s because they’re severely mal-nourished and their hands are cold! I’m not a huge coffee drinker and my hands are prone to chill, so I’ll admit that when I see my male friends plunge their hands into their pants and experience an elbows-deep sensation of warm nuts, I do feel a tad jealous. Of course, I myself wouldn’t need a penis to experience this, but most of my male friends would accept the offer of my hands in their pants a bit too readily, so I normally just rub my hands together for warmth. (Normally.) Guys are a lucky species when it comes to those “it’s suddenly cold and I don’t have any gloves” situations, and that’s penis advantage number two.

Subject #2

Name: Mike Curtiss
Age: 21
Sex: Male
Strengths: The Alphabet
Weaknesses: Numbers
Penis Description: He wanted to tell you how long it is, but he lost count

Penis Advantage #1: Slapping Undesirable Objects
Life Improvement Percentage: 10%

What can one consider an undesirable object? A tax notification? A clown? Linkin Park’s new album? Ugg boots? Small dogs? Donald Trump? Herpes? No matter what you un-desire, I suppose it would make you feel a bit better to whip out your wang and give that non-pleasurable entity a good dong-thwack, something girls simply cannot do. Sure, I can slap anything I want with any of my four existing appendages, but it’s not the same.

My jealousy factor towards men warrants a 10% life improvement percentage. Although I don’t recommend slapping a cactus with your penis. Or herpes for that matter. The Donald is fair game though.

Penis Advantage #2: Training it to Do Tricks
Life Improvement Percentage: 25%

I don’t know what kind of “tricks” the male penis can perform, per-say, but I’m sure I envy them whatever they may be. (Isn’t it funny how I just said the “male penis”? As if there was a female one too? I’m such a crack head.) Here are some of the tricks I reckon you males try to teach your male things:

1. Jump rope
2. Double dutch (if that’s what you’re into)
3. Sword fighting (if that’s what you’re into)
4. Laundry (if that’s what you’re into [no, that wasn’t intended to make any sense])
5. Juggling
6. Directing traffic

Whilst the possibilities of the penis being able to do any of these things remains unbeknownst to me, what I do know is that my vagina sure as fuck can’t do any of them. I doubt I would even venture a try. Except maybe the juggling, which would probably end in disaster.

Subject #3

Name: Court Sullivan
Age: 26
Sex: Male
Strengths: Everything
Weaknesses: Not being bad at anything
Penis Description: My anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns, hun

Penis Advantage #1: Shrinkage and Expansion
Life Improvement Percentage: 7.5%

Many great things in history get bigger and smaller over time. Balloons, the polar ice caps, and Lindsay Lohan’s dignity are just a few of those things. The penis falls into this category of marvels with its amazing ability to grow and shrink. How would my life be better if my vagina grew and shrank? I really don’t know. In fact, I kind of like its static, unwavering size. But inflation and deflation would provide endless hours of entertainment, and for this, I render myself envious. But not that envious.

Penis Advantage #2: The Right to Own Property

I was going to calculate the Life Improvement Percentage of this advantage, but I was prevented from doing so when I suddenly became inundated with housework and child rearing. Next thing you know I was churning butter out in the yard with Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Now I’m about to go picket for my right to vote, burn my bra, make some sandwiches, put on a turtleneck, hosiery, and several woolen petty-coats, take them all off to make sweet sweet colonial love to you, and consequently probably pop out a few more offspring. So thanks Court, but I’m plum out of time for this one.

Subject #4

Name: David Nelson
Age: 30
Sex: Male
Strengths: Being Canadian
Weaknesses: Partaking in voluntary penis case studies and liking it
Penis Description: Why don’t you go to Canada and find out for yourself?

Penis Advantage #1: Confers a Higher Salary
Life Improvement Percentage: 70%

Well, I honestly don’t have any good jokes about this one.

Penis Advantage #2: Practical Joke Usage
Life Improvement Percentage: 5%

When first mulling over this advantage, I concluded that penises were only good for two practical jokes: for hanging over the face of a drunken/passed out friend or enemy, and for drawing on the face of a drunken/passed out friend or enemy.

Then I remembered my “one day to live” testament. If I knew I only had one day to live, I would do three things. 1) Go to the grocery store and eat a lot of donuts. 2) Pants a bunch of people. 3) Start a low speed car chase across the state of California. The important part of all this is that pantsing women is not humorous at all. I’m not sure who said this, but someone once said that naked women equals sexy, and naked men equals funny. Pantsing is the funniest thing in America, so if I ever find I only have one day to live, I’m sure as hell not going to waste it by pantsing a bunch of women. Pantsing a man full trow and watching him blush in embarrassment at his exposed banana: high-larious. Advantageous indeed.

The Results:

There is much to be concluded from this case study. Originally I planned to calculate a final cumulative Life Improvement Percentage, but like I said before, it is summer and I have forgotten how to do math. What can be concluded, however, is this: there are, in fact, many reasons why women should envy the penis.

BUT.

In my opinion, having boobs really makes up for any and all disadvantages of not having a penis. What other body part looks great, feels great, and can sustain a human life SIMULTANEOUSLY? None, I believe. Plus, I’m sure in more situation than one, breasts have conferred some lucky woman a larger salary. The important thing to remember here is that this study was based on as little to zero scientific evidence, serves as a product of severe ADD, and basically just gave me an excuse to say “penis” 33 times. (Yes, I counted).

Some of you may have enjoyed my cheeky humor, some of you might totally disagree, and surely a few of you are parked outside my house at this very moment waiting to snipe when I walk out the door. Whichever category you fall into, I hope you learned something. So in conclusion, Freud might have been right when he said that women have reason to envy the penis, but failed to realize that we were granted some lovely lady lumps to make up for it. Ah, consummation at last.

DISCLAIMER: No penises were harmed in the making of this article, except for Mike Curtiss’, which was hit by a car while attempting to direct traffic.

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