College Parody Resume

So you've polished your resume 'til it's perfect, right? "Yes! Perfect bullshit!"

Wouldn't it be great if you could just turn in the most brutally honest version of yourself and your "duties and accomplishments" and still get a job?! Well, as soon as I decide I would rather risk honesty than be employed, here's what I'll submit...

Note to potential employers:
parody \par-ud-ê\ n, (1598) 1: literary work in which the style of an author is closely imitated for comic effect

Phone #: Don’t bother, I’m sleeping

EDUCATION

Emory University Atlanta, GA
Bachelor for Women in Human Sexuality, May 2003
Extremely Adjusted GPA: 3.5/4.0 (excludes unimportant classes I did poorly in)
Generic Honors: Freshman Honor Society (top 50% of class)
Phi Eta Mu
Ralpha Historica Economica National Honor Society
Activities: Phi Lambda Fraternity – Beer pong captain
Intramural tennis – doubles consolation fourth place

EXPERIMENTS

Student Government Office

Atlanta, GA
Student Worker
October 2001 – Present
· Finish homework, catch up on class readings
· Surf the Internet, check email, and occasionally awaken to office phone calls

Points in Case – College Humor
Atlanta, GA
Author/Webmaster
October 1999 – Present
· Analyze alcoholic trends, hookup patterns, and party habits of college students
· Use extremely foul language repeatedly merely to appear unprofessional

U.S. Army Weaponry Center NASA Headquarters
Office Automation Clerk
Summer 2001
· Attempted to mail stack of 50 envelopes for over four weeks
· Created elaborate desk setup to block sunlight from computer screen
· Utilized extra supplies and computer equipment around office for personal home use

Emory READ
Atlanta, GA
Personal Tutor
Fall 2000 – Spring 2001
· Played checkers with student who refused to read
· Gained greater self-confidence by comparing abilities to third graders

Camelot Tennis Camp

Huntsville, AL
Tennis Instructor
Summer 2000
· Developed beginner ball-bouncing class while 7-year-olds played guitar with rackets
· Advanced students from near incapability to complete frustration

Thomas Kinley Law Firm

Decatur, GA
Office Assistant/Courthouse Runner
Summer 1999
· Ran to the courthouse and back…and then back again…and again and again
· Ensured timely delivery of snacks and drinks for office employees

ATTEMPTED LEADERSHIP

Interfraternity Council

Atlanta, GA
Academic Chair
Spring 2001 – Present
· Planned and organized campus-wide “Stay in School, Don’t Be a Fool” initiative
· Held over 65 successful study breaks including pizza, wings, uhh…wings, pizza…mmmmm…

Showmanship and Magic Club
Atlanta, GA
Vice President
Fall 1999 – Spring 2001
· Helped prevent club from straying toward alternate “S&M” interpretations
· Shutup bitch! I want you to hire me and treat me like a very naughty intern!

SKILLS
Microsoft [insert any program here], constructive procrastination, overdrawing on account balances, working knowledge of VISA/Mastercard/Discover/ CapitalOne/Free T-Shirts