“‘I think it is disgusting and absurd to suggest that anyone inside of this building would support slavery,’ Huckabee replied before moving on.”
Real Clear Politics, 11/1/2017

Hello, Press.

In response to a highly offensive question asking whether or not this administration supports slavery, I, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, would like to lay out very clearly everything else this administration opposes.

Wearing socks with sandals: It is absolutely disgusting to suggest anyone in this building would wear socks with sandals. Just because the weather outside isn’t perfect, it doesn’t mean it’s not our weather, and we have to man up and wear our sandals sockless.

Toilet paper hung in the “over” position: It’s outrageous to even hint at this office hanging out toilet paper in the “over” position. We only hung it “over” once, during the campaign, because the holder was too close to the sink in the RV. This is pretty standard campaign operating procedure.

Giving girls masculine names: I want to lay this out very clearly: baby girls should not be named “Dylan,” “Spencer,” or “Stewart.” Not a single person in this building would ever endorse doing this to a baby girl. The President wants you to know that it’s disgusting enough to imagine a baby coming out of a vagina, much less to have that baby named the wrong gender.

White people going to jail: It’s absolutely heinous to suggest that this administration supports white people going to jail. I’m not going to relitigate history here: white people do not belong in jail.

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Sitting in the front seat of Ubers: Come on, people, they’re basically just cabs.

Christmas carols in November: Suggesting this administration listens to Christmas carols in November is highly offensive. While we agree that Santa Claus was an honorable man who gave up his evening to deliver toys, we don’t endorse the celebration of him before December 1st.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Do not for a moment suggest that the President of the United States supports me, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, in any way. In fact, he does not support women have jobs at all, and that’s the last time I want to hear anyone suggest anything to the contrary.

Eating avocados warm: It’s absurd to suggest that we eat avocados in any way other than cold. Perhaps the President’s biggest flaw is that his chef once offered him warm avocados. If you saw him eating a warm avocado, it was to be polite.

Bovine transplants: Cows belong in cows.

Nazis: We don’t really officially technically support Nazis. I’ll cut you some slack on this one though; I can kinda see how you got there.

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