By contributing writer Madeline Helen

My twisted mind often ponders common practices and their origin. This could be a fucked up version of a flashback, another little gift from my ole buddy Jack Daniels, or result of the long history of mental illness in my family. Regardless, it happens, and the voices keep telling me to write it down.

Recently, I began to wonder how the blowjob came into being. Have you ever thought of this? Oh, of course not, I’m the only pervert on the planet! Seriously, who was the first guy (you know it was a male) to say to himself, “Hey, what if I didn’t do it like this, what if I just put it in her mouth?” Why the mouth? Why not the ear, the nostril, or even the belly button? (Yes, I know I skipped over the obvious, but I have long since deduced that anal sex began because a man simply lost his way. Let me take this opportunity to once again mention that the G-spot is located inside, on the wall closest to her belly…. Feel that ridge? You’re in the neighborhood!)

If you’re a creationist, you’ve already decided that I’m going to burn in Hell. I mean, if you’re a creationist, you might think it began with Adam and Eve. Did the serpent tell him to do it? “The serpent.” You know that has to a metaphor for the first man thinking with his dick! Perhaps it went something like this:

Adam’s inner monologue: I wish Eve would get into this more. She just lies there! She never wears those sexy little vine panties anymore.

“The Serpent”: Hey! Adam! I’m baaaaaccckkkk! Listen to me buddy, you just need to try something a little different to spice things up.

RELATED:  If Star Wars 7 Had Been Produced by Sony Pictures

Adam’s inner monologue: Oh I don’t know about that, remember the last time? Eve was mad as fire for a week and I swear it was an accident! I slipped!!!

“The Serpent”: *Twitches* Yeah, I remember. She got over it, didn’t she?

Adam’s inner monologue: Well, yeah, but she still jumps every time I come up behind her. I knew I shouldn’t have taken my lead from those damned badgers!

“The Serpent”: Look, I think we’re getting a little off track here. Forget the badgers; you’re MAN for Christ’s sake! You’re an original! *Stretches*

Adam’s inner monologue: That’s right! That bitch wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for me! Do you know how much it fucked up my perfect symmetry to give up a rib? Sometimes, I just want to shove something in her mouth and shut her up!

“The Serpent”: *Twitches*

Adam: *Lends a hand*

[Later that evening]

Adam: Hey, Eve, what are you up to?

Eve: *Jumps and spins around* I’m trying to clean up this mess! Would it kill you to pick up after yourself once in a while?

Adam: *Stroking her hair* I’m sorry baby. I’ll do better. I promise.

Eve: Oh no, I know that tone, Mister! And don’t you even try to blame it on the badgers again!

Adam: No baby, it’s not like that. *Runs finger across Eve’s lower lip*

Eve: *Looks up at Adam, hopefully* No?

Adam: No. Why don’t you sit down, right here, and tell me about your day.

Eve: You never want to hear about my day.

Adam: Sure I do, baby. Tell me all about it.

RELATED:  Whatcha Looking At, Buddy?

Eve: *Sits down on rock* Well, this morning I went out and collected some forbidden fruit for dinner. My fig leaf is getting kind of tight, so I decided we had better start eating lighter. After that, I went down to the stream and talked with God.

Adam: *Pictures badgers*

Eve: God said I should forgive you. Something about you not knowing what you are doing. *Laughs* Boy, does he know you!

Adam: *Moves in closer*

Eve: Anyway, God said it was true about the badgers doing that. Something about them being a prototype or something. I don’t know! I always get lost when he starts getting technical. He really had your back though. I swear sometimes I feel like the only woman in the midst of this fucking boy’s club!

Adam: *Puts hand on back of Eve’s head and shoves dick in her mouth*

Eve: GRPHMPPPP! ARGLJJRRRR! *Gags*

Adam: Just relax, baby. *Keeps pumping*

Eve: Grrgggghhhhhmmmpph

Adam: Oh yeah, baby! UNG!

Eve: *Spits repeatedly* What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!

Adam: I saw the giraffes doing it this morning. Why do you think they have those long necks?

Eve: Adam, you are a fucking liar!

Adam: No, I’m not. Ask God, he’ll tell you. *Looks up and winks*

Now before I have people marching outside my door screaming “blasphemy,” it’s just one theory! I would have written it from the evolutionary perspective, but really how much can you milk the idea that somewhere along the road there was a sex drive mutation, likely from too much inbreeding in West Virginia, and one of the retarded ones tried to hump the wrong end?

MORE ON PIC