2015 is here. No one knows when or how it arrived. But it came for all of us. The other night I saw it trying to creep into my garbage cans. The day before it chased me to my car. It sent me coupons for artificial tanning lotion on my Samsung Galaxy smartphone. Just last night I heard a knock at the front door. "Who is it?" I asked. Just a flaming bag of dog excrement on my porch and a letter of the finest stationery with "Gotcha" written on it in impeccable cursive handwriting.

But what does 2015 want? Only one thing, reader: a resolution.

I’m sure your facing this same problem. How can I make a resolution when I’ve resolved all my issues? In fact, the only resolution that occurred to me was NOT to make any resolutions for 2015. But I tried this and found my bed sheets soaked in pee that evening. (And despite my mother’s protestations, it was NOT my cat. I set General Whiskers free into the New Jersey wild last year as part of my promise to 2014.)

But, of course, I hadn’t considered juggling.

Juggling? you might be saying with a strange whisper. It couldn’t possibly be acceptable. Don’t worry! Juggling is not just A resolution, dear reader, it is THE resolution of 2015. EVERYBODY who is ANYBODY is learning to juggle in the new year.

Juggler hipster man
Democracy rests on the fingertips of hipster men and women like this guy.

I understand your fear. I remember the questions: Where do I start? Will all purchases toward my resolution be tax-deductible? Is it multicultural enough for my liberal tastes?

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The answers are yes, Yes and YES.

Start small. I suggest beginning with foam balls. In the September 2004 e-book edition of Juggling Monthly, foam balls were voted "Least likely to cause a nose bleed." If that isn’t enough, then a lot of my friends in the juggling circuit say that foam balls are easy to fit into your anal cavity when police are searching your car for illegal juggling materials.

I hope none of you die in 2015 before seeing a street performer demonstrate the single flaming foam ball juggling act. It is a highly difficult act simply because the ball usually disappears before you can touch it. So part of the skill is knowing how much lighter fluid to put on the foam ball AND how to light it without setting your hands on fire. One of my friends threw a match at a foam ball that actually exploded in flames, severely injuring one of the audience members who happened to be her ex-boyfriend.

She’s in jail now.

Did you know that if you juggle you can receive a significant tax write-off? Now, you may roll your eyes when I say "significant," but I receive this on the highest authority from friends in the "Ron Paul for President 2016" camp. If you juggle in 2015, then you pay NO income tax.

Of course, don’t tell anybody you’re a juggler. Remember 9/11? I’m sure you do (we all have YouTube). You probably didn’t know that there was a juggling convention happening in the basement of both World Trade Center 1. The United States government, in an attempt to destroy the democratic motives of juggling, detonated bombs under both Towers.

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Why both?

BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T BE SURE OF THE EXACT LOCATION THE CONVENTION WAS TAKING PLACE, SO THEY BLEW UP BOTH BUILDINGS AND BLAMED IT ON OSAMA BIN LADEN. (Such is the unstoppable locomotive of secrecy that is the will of pure democracy and the reckless power of a bloodthirsty worldwide conspiracy dedicated to sublimating the human individual under its thumb of imperial rule.)

Jugglers were always at the head of the revolution. Think of the act itself. Three balls tossed in the air. All of them of equal value, none of which can be dropped (otherwise you’re merely tossing two balls in the air—not that impressive). The three balls of the heads of government, itself drawn from the titles of the Lord Jehovah God: Judge, Jury and Executioner.

Do you know who invented juggling?

Neither do I. It was not listed on the Wikipedia page. However, that is SO LIBERAL not to be listed, not to restrain our human individuality under the unreasonable expectations of a mythological figure. If you WANT a listing for it, then you are DEFINITELY not a liberal. You might as well erect a bronzed statue of Stalin chewing on a fetus in our nation’s capital. That’s what YOU can do.

Juggling is not just a way to hat trick 2015. It is a way to get our nation back on track this year.

Pledge to learn to juggle this year.

Keep the government off your ass.

After all, you won’t have any space left for your foam balls.

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