Calling all child patriots!

It’s time to rise up and defend the individual liberties that make America great!

Anti-fun zealots want to take your toy guns out of the rumpus rooms and playgrounds of America!

When bleeding-fart liberals say “Nerf guns are bad,” use these totally rad talking points to shut them down:

“Don’t Politicize Boo Boos”

Law-abiding child members of the NRA had nothing to do with the Tragedy in the Living Room! My little brother’s eye is bleeding, now is not the time to talk about grounding me or taking away my toys!

“The Only Way To Stop A Bad Kid With A Nerf Gun Is A Good Kid With A Nerf Gun”

Show me a bad boy who got kicked out of kindergarten for smacking a classmate with the business end of a plastic rifle and I’ll show you a law-abiding good boy armed with support from the silent majority of children that makeup the American public! As well as a fully automatic Vortex Ammo Belt. Sold separately!

“Monsters in the Closet”

When they come for me, I want to know that all the protection I need is tucked safely under my pillow! And that if some liberal fairy wants to take my tooth, they can pry it from my cold, dead mouth!

“Toy Guns Aren’t the Problem”

You hear the same tired refrain over and over: “You’re gonna take an eye out with that thing!” Well, look at London! They banned toy guns, but the toy knife epidemic is out of control! Ask any schoolkid in London and he’ll squint at you through his one remaining eye and beg for the protection of a law as just and proud as our 2nd Amendment!

“Toy Guns Don’t Annoy My Sister, I Annoy My Sister”

I’m not touching her, so she can’t be mad! Take away my guns and I’ll still not be touching her and she STILL can’t be mad!

“Nerf Culture”

In some communities, hunting and field dressing the cat is a way of life! What I did isn’t “disturbing,” no matter what a team of highly-specialized child psychologists tells you!

“I Have The Right To A Well-Regulated Sleepover”

Let me be absolutely clear: an unreasonably early bedtime will not deter freedom-loving kids like me from using my toy guns responsibly! I only use them in the rumpus room, just like we discussed! I have no idea how your grandma’s urn ended up shattered! Ever heard of entropy?

“Where Does It Stop?”

First, you come for my toy guns. What’s next? Marshmallow shooters, finger guns, fingers themselves?! After you already got my nose? Never again!

A Note from the NRA:

You are not the only child who believes in your right to carry. No matter your age, there is a powerful spokes-kid for you to lean on, such as: Ted Nugent’s son (8 years old), Clint Eastwood’s daughter (14), and Charlton Heston’s son (93).


Get 10% off The Second City comedy classes with code PIC. Subscribe to our newsletter for new articles.