First of all, thank you so much for letting me sit and chat.

I’d like to be completely transparent about something: I don’t let just any Jane Doe spit shine my three wood. That said, if a lady on the street stopped me and—with valid photo identification—proved her name was Jane Doe, I’d welcome her mouth around my ding-a-ling.

Some might venture to guess that if I were strung up by Linda Carter’s lasso I’d let her suck me, but they’d be dead wrong. It takes a lot for me to let someone suck this dick. What about the beautiful Marilyn Monroe, you ask? Not with a loaded gun to my temple dangling above a pit of hungry sharks swimming in blood. Plus, she’s dead, so she doesn’t quite fit the bill.

I may or may not let Ralph Fiennes suck it, but if you want a definitive answer you’ll have to watch The Constant Gardner backwards a few times to find out. I know what you’re thinking. The answer is no. Watching The Constant Gardner backwards is not criteria for allowing someone to suck down on my thing.

The Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad are as good as toast because none of them are qualified to get at my pecker.

Yes, I’ve watched The Who’s Tommy, and yes I’ve considered reaching out to Ann-Margaret to see if she would be interested in giving me a knob job. However, to meet my needs I’d have to coordinate a production team to recreate my favorite scene in the history of cinema, and that’s a roadblock I simply cannot get by. What’s more, I don’t have the budget for the necessary cans of beans.

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Brian Williams once asked to give me some head, and any ordinary male—gay or straight—would chomp at the bits to get Bri Guy’s mouth around their dong, but not me. Not this guy. I repeatedly told him if he wants to get back at his daughter for getting rim jobs on TV, this guy’s dick is not the one he’s going to have to suck. He’d have to speak to Lena Dunham, because she might be able to get in touch with Adam Driver, and even I can’t guarantee he’d be up for the task.

However, I will say this. If all that existed of Lena Dunham was her Twitter personality, I’d probably be willing to at least consider letting that personality take a stab at sucking me off.

Listen. Are you listening? Okay, thanks. Listen, I’m a guy who comes from a family. I have standards, and I hold myself in high regard when it comes to the ethics of getting my dick sucked.

You’re going to ask, “But what if the entire Dallas Cowboys cheerleading team was strapped to a nuclear missile wearing nothing but ten gallon hats, and a sniggering Dmitry Medvedev sat next to them in ass-less chaps, on a horse, waiting to light the fuse with a Molotov cocktail, and the only way he’ll set them free is if they all go down to wiener town?” Sounds like an easy way to get a few mouths on your penis, right?

I’m sorry, I really am, but in that scenario the lovely ladies of the Dallas Cowboys squad are as good as toast because none of them are qualified to get at my pecker. Maybe, MAYBE if they all miraculously transformed into Mark Ruffalo’s—let me stress Mark Ruffalo’s—Incredible Hulk, they’d have a fighting chance.

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Would I let Cyndi Lauper fellate me? Maybe if she was dancing on a bearskin rug to a Yanni cover of Girls Just Want to Have Fun. Naomi Klein? Only if she’d be willing to let me watch Colin Powell eat her out. I would, contrary to popular belief, let Oprah and Aung San Suu Kyi suck my dick, but the chances of them being together in the same Little Caesar’s bathroom as me are about zero.

Honestly, I’m a pretty picky man. If I had my druthers, I’d be the only one sucking me dry, but last I checked, man already gave away one rib and frankly, I’m not willing to sacrifice another just to wet my own jewels.

Finally, let me speak from the bottom of my heart for a moment, if I may. I am a man who cuddles close with his emotions. So I want to say thank you for offering your listening ear. It’s not often anyone lets me be this open with them. In fact, no one ever listens to me.

You know, it’s funny now that I really think about it. You aren’t just anyone. You aren’t an average Joe. You’re a person who let me sit down next to you on this park bench. You’re a human being who listened to another human being and showed care for their reality.

I think if everyone could take a second and do what you and I did just now—if everyone listened to each other, the world might be a better place.

Now, I don’t ask this of just anyone, but would you suck me off?

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