Note: Testing HOOVE-positive doesn’t necessarily lead to contracting full-blown S.L.E.I.G.H.S. If detected early, it can usually be controlled with Parvo medications and Class 3 wormers.
3. Red Nose Waffle
Any reindeer that have seen graphic photos of the horrific effects of this dreaded contagion are well aware it’s nothing to take chances with, and they’re also probably spending way too much time on Reindeer 4chan.
4. The Claus
A Spring Break road trip to an Anchorage veterinary strip club and a trough of Moosehead Light, and BAM, suddenly things aren’t quite so jolly. Fortunately, a quick shot of penicillin will clear it right up, and Prancer and Vixen will be smarter next time. Or WILL they??
There’s nothing “right jolly” about these pesky parasites, and the irritation from their venom has been known to turn the reindeer version of Netflix and chill into a living hell. Additionally, the vice-like grip of their claws is not entirely unlike the grip of a Comcast CSR on one’s soul.
6. Genital Slurpees
When Blitzen stopped at a 7-11 at an arctic outpost for a bag of chips, a refreshing frozen drink, and to use the public restroom, little did he know what was in store.
Difficult to detect as the chief symptom in the early stages is usually a flaking, itchy scalp.
8. Silver Balls
Newly-discovered mutant strain of Red Nose Waffle. In its final stages, all that can be done is to make the patient as comfortable as possible and prescribe glare-resistant prescription sunglasses.
9. Antler Crabs
If they think elves are uncomfortable, then trust me, they don’t even want to know about these guys.
In Stage 1, the main symptom is an uncontrollable compulsion to eat at The Sizzler. In Stage 2, the affected reindeer will inexplicably bathe in margarine. In Stage 3, all motor function is lost and it will degenerate into a helpless mass of Cool Whip.
Once the leading cause of reindeer death in the Arctic Circle, it is now merely considered a mild form of shopping addiction for shiny things on the Reindeer Home Shopping Network.
12. RRTS – Reindeer Rape Trauma Syndrome
Due to pending legal proceedings, we are limited in what we can say, but court records quote Comet as testifying, “He probed me with an electric train. I feel so dirty and used. I’ve lost the will to fly. All I can think about is cutting that jolly bastard’s balls off with a rusty can opener.”
13. Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
Wait, wrong list. Actually on CDC list of “13 Worst Patrick Swayze Movies.”
If you know a reindeer with symptoms of any of these diseases, please don’t wait. Consult your family veterinarian immediately, or visit the informational website of the North Pole CDC, NotOKCupid.com.