I, for one, am not a homophobe, and to be quite frank with ya… I’d love to fix yous up with a cake. Unfortunately, though, you have not stepped into a bakery or even a place that serves food at all. You see, this here is a store that is exclusive to its brand, and our brand is offering the best clothes for children aged 2-7. We are adamant about this.

I know there’s been a lot of buzz in the media with these people not making cakes for the LGBTQ community, but my hands are tied here. I am only authorized to work this here sales floor to try and offer children the best looks without breaking their parent’s wallets. Can’t you see… I'm not trying to take a stand, I just really can offer little to no help to you in this circumstance.

Now, the very best I can offer you is 60% off all denim-wear. So yous can getcha some toddler overalls or some jeans for any little tikes yous two may know of. But under no circumstances—no if, ands, or, buts about it—can I build you that lovely white chocolate, three-tier cake with vanilla icing flowers like you want. And, may I suggest, and I am not trying to interrupt your special day by any means, but perhaps go with pink icing for the flowers to add some color. Just a thought. I know I am but a humble baby clothes representative here at the neighborhood OshKosh B’Gosh, but I am around bright colors every day and I that'll make for an eye-catching combination.

Unfortunately, I can't make that cake for ya.

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t leave. I love LGBTQ people! And dealing with some of these kids I can see why yous two wouldn’t want to be able to have kids. No, I mean, biologically. No! Of course not, nothing wrong with adoption is what I meant, if you wanted to…I mean, either or…its all cool with me. Of course, you wouldn’t need my approval or anything. I mean look at me, amiright? You guys are all clean cut and dressed nice and…

Cheese and crackers, I guess I really stuck my foot in my mouth on this one. Look I’m with these loud kids all day and so when I see two people together, happy like ya guys, well…Truth be told my first marriage didn’t work out too well. So how could I be some marriage expert? I couldn’t. But I’m just saying when I see you two here, I see the start of such a happy life and well…here, take my card, I know I made a fool of myself today, but if you ever wanna talk, hang out, heck, I’ll even come to the wedding if you want! Well just let me know, alright?

Hm? What’s that? Not a couple? You’re complete strangers… Well I guess when I saw you too kinda close together and you were both wearing Brooks Brothers' polos I just kinda thought… Sure, I know you didn’t even ask for a cake, but I just thought with everything in the news… oh what’s that?

Um, The Wetzel’s Pretzels is in the kiosk by the food court.


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