For those of you fishing for LGBT representation in Finding Dory, hold on to your life vests: Disney’s first lesbian appeared way back in 1989. You may know me from The Little Mermaid or from your local lesbian dive bar. That’s right, it’s me, Ariel. Call me a rainbow fish, because I’m part of your world.

To the poor, unfortunate souls trying to take away LGBT rights, I’m about to get stern with you. While surfing the web to catch up on current events, I’ve found that people are floundering around on Facebook discussing the alleged lesbian couple in Finding Dory. Salty conservatives are ready to sink Disney’s ship in a maelstrom of protest, while progressives on board with the LGBT movement are making waves of their own.

Regardless of the details of my de-tailing, I would finally get my sealegs in the lesbian world, but at what cost?

In an industry dominated by straight white sharks, LGBT activism hasn’t yet been able to turn the tides of tradition. As soon as I saw the trailer, I realized I was fishing for representation where there was none. The headlines had me hook, line and sinker. With all the buzz, I just assumed that Dory was a lesbian and that the writers would grouper with a girlfriend. After all, Disney had anchored down Ellen DeGeneres as the voice of Dory, and she made a splash when she came out back in the 90’s.

But no – I’d been catfished. After exposure to years of queerbaiting in the mainstream media, I otter have known better. Oh whale.

If there are really plenty of fish in the sea, why can’t just one LGBT story be told? And don’t feed me the line about that being “too hard to talk about with your kids.” You’ve explained talking fish to them, so I think you’re up to the challenge. After all, most movies don’t filter out cuttlefish, blowfish, hammerheads, swordfish, grunts, suckermouths, and the incredibly un-PC triggerfish that get all up in kids’ gills without a warning.

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In addition to Finding Out Dory’s Sexuality, or whatever, the whole hype over Elsa from Frozen being gay is really bubbling over, as if she needs a companion to complete her! It’s pretty irrelevant since she’s asexual and sick of people barging into her business. And for the rest of you looking for footprints in the sand, stop dredging through the chum and go for the big fish. We already had our first gender non-conforming Disney hero – am I the only one who’s seen Mulan?

And let’s not forget Winnie the Pooh, who, along with his live-in boyfriend Piglet, fit the bill for Disney’s first gay couple, first BBB (big beautiful bear) star, and Oscar Nominated Most Flamboyant Pig. As Pooh’s best friend/ex-lover Tigger reminds us, everyone is unique, and many of us are quite gay.

Let’s dive back into my story and talk pacifics. I’m ready to shell out some dirty details. I wasn’t just homosexual – I was FOMOsexual. After so many years of drowning in desire, I was desperate to swim in a sea of women, which is exactly what I thought drag queen Ursula had in mind until she literally took away my voice. How anti-feminist can you get?

Regardless of the details of my de-tailing, I would finally get my sealegs in the lesbian world, but at what cost? Nevertheless, transformative energy swelled within me, and before I knew it, I was awash with the feeling that this was truly manta be.

Flash forward to the scene with the dinghy. Also, we were in a very small boat. The song “Kiss the Girl” was written for my high school crush, back when I was drowning in denial and nowhere close to coming out of the grotto. It finally prawned upon me that I didn’t want any seamen – I wanted a mermaiden.

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Years later, in that pond surrounded by frogs, it was either anchor down this boy or croak. He was your typical Prince Yawning, and here he was, all hands on deck, staging the shallowest first kiss scene in all of Disney history, all the while stealing my song! I had no interest in his mussels, let alone letting him anywhere near my snapper.

Did I mention he had crabs? They were singing to me – my plan was so leaky. I felt like a fish out of water. Fuck the patriarchy.

So my story didn’t end how I wanted, but now I’m happily on Finder and casually seeing a squid from an upcoming Nickelodeon movie. I like a girl with some ink. You’ll be hearing about it – just keep a shell to your ear.

As far as the future of Disney and LGBT representation, they really just need to dip their toes in the water. Lesbians won’t tank Finding Dory. Remember the words I sang in the 80’s: “Up where they walk. Up where they run. Up where they’re gay all day in the sun.”

Wait, did they edit that out? Whatever. As long as we keep fighting, there is a real chance that in the future, things will go swimmingly.

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