By Michael Curtiss

On boring nights and pointless days, I find myself browsing on MySpace. I really don’t even know what I am looking for most of the time. Sometimes I’m in the mood for a nice large pair of breasts. Sometimes, I just look for the weirdest people I can find, comparing them to myself and how much better I am than them. But over the past few months, after looking at thousands of profiles, I have noticed certain patterns.

The first pattern is that I have way too much fucking time on my hands and am on my computer over 5 hours a day. But the second and more important pattern is the overwhelming amount of 16-20 year old girls that have accounts on MySpace. I mean, it’s fucking ridiculous. They all adorn the same butterfly and heart background, with the same stupid ass quotes from Garden State and the same fucking Keith Urban song.

I am tired of having to look through all of this shit just to see a nip slip or an exposed ass cheek.

And that brings me to the point of this article. I am going to attempt to interpret some of the common characteristics that are present in almost every 16-20 year old girl’s MySpace profile.

Backgrounds

=I love myself more than anyone else.

=

I really look like a caterpillar.
=I am a greedy prostitute.
=I hate white people.
=I hate black people.
=I spread my legs after two Smirnoffs.
=I spread my legs after three Smirnoffs.
=My shits stink.

Quotes

? oh I wonder what God was thinkin when he created you, i wonder if he knew everything I would need, because he made all my dreams come true, when God made you he must of been thinking about me ?=I have no personality of my own, so I cling to my boyfriend who will say he loves me if I give him head. Oh yeah, God is neat.
*God Will Never Give Us More Than We Can Handle*

=

I am a fucking idiot.
I'M NO GIRL NEXT DOOR I'M THE BITCH DOWN THE STREET=I'll take a dump in your toilet and I won't flush.
Y0u kn0w y0u want !t b0y, d0nt @ct lik3 y0u d0nt [email protected] !t b0y, ! [email protected] !t JUST @s [email protected] @s y0u d0=I have epilepsy.
Die knowing You lived Your life on Your Knees=I swallow and ask for seconds. Or I pray a lot. Whatever works.
AMY!!!THAT'S MY NAME!!!

Then there are these things called “personality profiles.” You put your name into a program and it supposedly generates your personality characteristics. Bra-fucking-vo.

How to Make a Jenny

3 parts competitiveness
1 part humor
3 parts leadership
=3 parts sluttiness
1 part fake tan
3 parts annoying
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little lustfulness if desired!

=

Beat with a rock at high speed for 2 hours. Add a little fucking brain if desired!