Everybody, step back! Step back, I say! The rumors you’ve heard are true!

My good-for-nothin’, deadbeat, dog-faced, extremely wealthy uncle left me a whole million dollars in his will—a million smackeroonies just for me! Finally, he did something that benefits someone else for once! And you know what he told me right before he died? He told me to make something of myself.

And you know what? That two-faced, frog-eyed jerk is right for once; I guess he wanted me to be better than him—to not adopt all those crippled orphans, not use millions of dollars of my own money to fund cancer research, to not make the same mistakes he made.

Why squander this opportunity to be a real life millionaire; a king of kings! Step back and get out of my way, I’m a real hot stepper sashaying down a road made of golden bricks! And I’ll take a big, steaming dump on top of my chicken-armed, empty-headed uncle’s grave while I’m at it.

I’ll knock down that stupid, extravagant mansion he left me in his will and put up an in-ground swimming pool in its place! No more delivering pizzas on this beat up, old ten speed! Heck, I’ll be delivering a couple extra-large cheese pizzas in a stretch limousine Hummer with all the fixings the next time you see me! It’ll be me, my driver Ralph, a couple of smokin’ hot babes in the back, and Kenny Loggins—the gosh darn wrecking crew having a great time on a Friday night delivering some ‘za!

That stupid, crooked-toothed, pigeon-toed, simpleton uncle of mine was lactose intolerant so he HATED cheese pizza. What a friggin’ scrooge! But you know what, he loved Kenny Loggins. And I’m going to show Kenny Loggins a picture I took of my turkey-necked uncle on the crapper, and we’ll laugh about how he was a huge dunce; that idiot spent so much of his money on cancer research and he didn’t even cure it!

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You heard it here first, I’m going to be a big shot. Next time you see me I’ll be swimming through an above-ground pool of those sweet, sweet benjamins. Heck, make that an in-ground pool; I got money to spare, chump! You think that guy from Burn Notice has an above-ground pool? No!

I’ll knock down that stupid, extravagant mansion he left me in his will and put up an in-ground swimming pool in its place! I can throw a big party and invite all of his enemies, and they can take all his prized paintings and spray paint penises on ’em! A bunch of big ol’ floppy penises will do his prized Rembrandt some good!

My life’s going to turn around starting today! You’ll all see, I won’t need help from any of you dummies anymore—heck I won’t even need to see any of you again. Now lower my moron uncle’s casket, already. And stop crying, Mom. Your brother was a dummy for dying in the first place.

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