The Most Valuable Advice I Will Ever Give a Hobo

Homeless man staring straight ahead with cigarette in mouth

Dear Mr. Hobo,

Enclosed in this letter is the most beneficial advice you will ever receive. Some might say I'm being offensively blunt; I call it tough love. Based on the wealth of knowledge I'm drawing on as a PR major, I am confident that I can help you. So here are my "two cents," as you so desperately plea for. Please take these suggestions to heart.

Don't come to me, let me come to you.

I hate to say this, but you are a very scary human being. When I'm stopped at a red light and see you approaching, my heart immediately starts pounding. The moment you make the slightest movement towards my car I frantically lock my door and ready my phone to call 911.

That being said, you can't go around terrorizing people and then expecting them to give you money; you need to become approachable. The first step to doing that is to clean yourself up. Invest in some scissors and a razor (however, ALWAYS keep them concealed or else you defeat the whole purpose of not terrifying me). Find a mirror and groom yourself once a week. Unruly beards are creepy on anyone, so the fact that you have one and lurk in the streets at night doesn't help your case. If McDonald's still gives you the "don't you dare show up here again" talk, you need to get more creative. Try your local swimming pool—the chlorine content in public pools is high enough to kill a floating piece of baby shit...surely it will work wonders on your street grime.

Don't bullshit me.

Homeless man holding 'Job Wanted' sign
Let's focus on your needs first, THEN your wants.
Let's be honest here, you're a very lazy person. And I'm fine with that. In fact, I kind of like that about you. However, unless you are physically or mentally impaired, we both know that you have no good excuse for not having a job. By no means am I telling you to go get a job, all I'm saying is, don't try and bullshit me about why you haven't yet. Don't tell me some elaborate fairy tale story and expect me to believe it. The moment I sense that you're trying to outsmart me, I will feel disrespected and turn on you.

Don't roll your eyes at me when you tell me you need money for food and I go buy you a sandwich. If you want a beer, say so! The truth is, if I brought a homeless guy with me to a frat party I would become an instant legend; I'll drink with you and you can collect the cans. Be real with me and I'll be real with you. Just admit that you're a fucking nomad! That is badass.

Pick up a hobby and put on a show.

Homeless man sitting down with liquor bottles
Music, booze, cigarettes and a leather jacket? You might as well have gone to college.
Don't mistake this for a job. Jobs suck. This is a hobby. Hobbies are fun. Find something you love doing and get really good at it. People respect crafty hobos. If you like to dance, then dance. If you like to sing, make parodies of modern songs and relate them to life as a hobo. For example, write a parody of the song "I Love College" and call it "I Love Garbage." Or instead of "I'm on a Boat" write a song called "I'm in a Box." It really doesn't matter what your hobo hobby is; I don't care if you're juggling pieces of trash. If you're doing something, ALMOST ANYTHING, I guarantee you people will be amused. I won't speak for anyone else, but if I saw a hobo training a group of rats to do tricks, I would be more than willing to give the guy at least 10 bucks.

I really hope this helps!

I love you,

P.S. If you need anything don't hesitate to email me at HelperKevin13@ ... oh wait, my bad.

Still love you,

C'mon, one more:

"I love you" hahaha!!! This is pretty good! I wish you would have kept going with it!

Gavin Pitt's picture

Since 1985's C.H.U.D taught us that all homeless people are just a few leaky drums of toxic waste away from becoming radioactive, cannibalistic mutants, I always make a habit of never giving a hobo spare change without insisting they chug a gallon or two of reactor coolant first.

funny article, dude!

Tiffany Taylor's picture

I love the hobo parodies... Funny stuff :)

Nice job dude :). It's really good advice for a hobo. I love the first part :). I enjoyed it.

How in the hell are they suppose to read this article?

God help me, I put aside a whole afternoon to figure this out.

Very sound advice, indeed :)

how are any of the so called hobo people or unemployed people who by the way 99 percent of whom are not lazy, i my have been out of work for 2 years i have never been lazy, and am not lazy now, just no jobs to be had, i even told one company i would take a job licking toilets if it meant i got paid, no deal

so before you go calling all of the homeless and unemployed people hobo's and lazy better check your facts

I think you should check your spelling... then you should, if mental capacity high enough, check out the fact that this is written to make people laugh. You are unreasonably ignorant if you think the author is being serious and those words are his absolute opinions.

With sincere hopes that your stupidity is not eternal,
Guy that just called you a dumbass.

Court Sullivan's picture

And the fact that you told an employer you'd lick toilets for money probably made them glad they didn't hire you.

Gordon Dryfus's picture

Resume (and interview)

Highschool: Yes
College: Some

Previous work experience: Hardee's (panhandling out front)
North Ave. and 94 (on milk crates)

About me: Will work for food
Will work for alcohol (goes without saying, just smell my breath)
I have a broken collar bone that I keep broken to get money out of people
Will lick toilets for this job.

(Potential employer reads the list, pauses, ponders and says, "what about BJ's? Will you give me a BJ?)


(In deep consideration, "hmmph. I do like BJ's, and I see that you are missing most of your teeth. That's a big plus.")

(Hobo squirms in his seat waiting for an opiate enabling opportunity. He scratches his face quickly and says, "I also will lick your toilet.")

(Rim jobs?)

(That too)

(leans back in chair, "your feelings about mouth wash?")

(I swallow)

(Haha, well I guess somebody is going to get an opening filled. It seems like you're exactly what John in accounting was looking for.)