First, let me preface this with some reasons why I’ve chosen to do a follow-up to "White People Problems," the recent PIC article outlining what few things my fellow fair-skinned people have left to complain about:

  • It was on the front page, which was about as far as I was willing to go for this.
  • It’s a topic I’m pretty intimately familiar with.
  • The author looks like an attractive female, and if I know anything about women, the first step to wooing them is to borrow their ideas for comedic writing on the internet. Hi, Ashley!
  • It got a lot of comments—that’s supposed to be good, right? (Okay, I actually just took a second to scan those comments, and it looks like it’s mostly some dude named Khalil complaining. Hey Khalil, maybe you’re just not the target audience for a piece about white people problems…)

So let’s just pick up where white people’s problems "ended"…

6. The Irish Potato Famine.

‘Nuff said.

7. Getting rid of this hooker corpse.

Look, I know I fucked up, but I can’t go to jail for this, you understand? Do you realize what they’d say at work? Nobody will miss her, and my wife and kids can’t find out about this. Do we bury her? We could take her on my boat and toss her overboard… do hookers float? Shit, I shouldn’t have Googled that, now I’m leaving a trail! I’m just going to do a little more coke to get my head straight, then we’ll deal with this.

8. "I can’t believe Bryce prefers Van Patten’s card to mine."

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Seriously, I give you the definition of a white people: the business card scene from American Psycho.

Also, more to worry about: "Some On Wall Street May Go Without Bonuses This Year."

9. Your wife’s foot fetish got out to the media.

To be fair, I give old Rex props for keeping some fire in his marriage.

10. My open source text editor is causing formatting problems.

I told you white people problems are a topic of personal familiarity… anyway, it’s getting obnoxious to write this, but I’m suffering from another white people problem in that I’m home for the holidays and my mom’s internet is really slow, so it would take forever to pirate a copy of Microsoft Office. So… abrupt end to this article!

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