10. Cordless phone antenna

Thick, rubbery, and clean…a personal favorite. Think about it, the antenna never touches any surfaces because the phone keeps it slightly off the ground even if dropped. Cell phones are a bit more dangerous, particularly because of the tendency to drop them in your drink. Just ask two of my friends how their Sprint PCS’s broke.

Speaking of which, allow me to pictorially elaborate on a point I just made in Points in Case Issue #13:

Cell phones: Not headphonesNot headphones Headphones: Headphones

One plays music, the others shouldn’t. Don’t be that guy blaring Ricky Martin in fucking mono-beeping every time your girlfriend calls.

9. ATM Card

The swiper strip will most likely be rendered drunken and unreadable, but all the magnetism goes straight to your personality. When alternatives are limited, choose it over your credit card because at least your ATM card might not have any funds anyway.

8. Rolled-up printer paper

Sturdy (for up to 25 seconds), disposable, and available…well, sometimes.

7. Scissors

Keep out of reach of the severely intoxicated.

6. BIC® Round Stic Ballpoint (fine)

Reliable, reaches to the bottom of your drink for maximum stirrage.

5. Yesterday’s Chinese food fork w/caked-on Kung Pao Chicken

For God’s sake, use the handle.

4. Mechanical pencil

Unlike your ATM card, alcohol will not damage the mechanism.

3. Fingers

Always available, ten to choose from. May I suggest the middle finger…again, for depth.

2. Remote control

Come on, you know it’s either broken or needs new batteries anyway. Are you gonna sit there
and let the alcohol rest on the bottom of your cup while precious drunken moments pass you by? I didn’t think so. STIR IT UP!!

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1. “Shaken, not stirred”

When all else fails, give it a good, violent treatment of gravity.

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