If you’re a modern man, chances are you hate women. Don’t be afraid. It’s okay. After all, they use their vaginas to gain an advantage in life—an advantage we have practically forced them to use because we continue to deny them economic equality. Which is strange, because women are our complete economy next to drugs and the military. It’s like rain. Rain on your wedding day.

So, why not fight fire with fire and keep that vicious circle alive? Why not be equally duplicitous and keep them perpetually insecure about their sexualities just to get our wicks wet, our bologna balls of sourdough matted in milk-warm gin and honey? If you’re an unhappy man who feels underrepresented, unremarkable, and a little bit unwholesome, isn’t it best to boost your confidence by talking about women in ways that would make your mother weep?

I bet you didn’t know you hated your mother, did you. Well, did you also not know that it’s never too late? Hi, I’m Jamie, writer at PIC. Without further ado, here is my Woman Hate-O-Meter, a gauge to find out exactly how “stand-up” all us stand-up guys really are.

The Misogyny Test

1. Do you often find yourself talking about how ugly women are, rating them on a scale of 1-10?

  1. Yes, but only because I like 10’s exclusively when viewing them from one of my plaza’s many balconies.
  2. No, because my grandmother taught me that all women are beautiful, even when I shared baths with her.
  3. No, I only rate women when I’m masturbating.

2. Do you often find yourself in groups with fellow men talking about how you would like to give so-and-so a go? Really jam it in there?

  1. Yes, but only so that I may wash my face in her tears.
  2. No, I would rather buy her a rose on Valentine’s Day, then ashamedly hang back until she finds herself a real man.
  3. No, I will continue to fight crime away from her until my very last breath.
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3. Do you dislike smelly, hairy vagina? Naturally large labia?

  1. Yes, it reminds me of yogurt, and I despise fruit.
  2. No, but I like neat and tidy too; child-like.
  3. No, I am like a dog scratching his ass on carpet in that thing.

4. Have you ever fantasized about sexual encounters with men and been overly harsh in your criticisms of women as a result?

  1. Yes, but come on, give those things marbles and essentially what do you got!?
  2. My penis only slightly flutters when I see Tom Jones on YouTube.
  3. I eat my men like I eat my women: from the genitalia up.

5. Have you ever attacked someone for being gay?

  1. Yes, I have never sucked a cock.
  2. No, I have never sucked a cock.
  3. I am a woman—either men are gay or there is something wrong with me. I don’t know why I’m taking this test; all women are my sisters.

6. Do you take men out of the food chain by talking bad about them? Do you do this in front of other women to enhance the perception of your alpha-male status?

  1. Yes, I literally have no other way to make women lubricate.
  2. No, my girlfriend/wife and I are very happy together.
  3. I only know up to three words: “hello,” “squirting,” and/or “knuckle-sandwich.”

7. If you were making love to a woman, which of these three faces would most make you want to resent her?

  1. Smiling brunette woman
  2. Orgasming blonde woman
  3. Dragon spitting fire

8. Have you ever hit a woman?

  1. Yes, but only when making love.
  2. No, I think women deserve to be beaten for all the shit they spew but that it is inhumane of us to do so since they are physically inferior to our gargantuan pectorals.
  3. Yes, but she was coming at me with a knife even though I’d paid all of the bills.
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9. Have you ever called the vagina a cunt?

  1. Yes, because I hate women.
  2. Yes, in the heat of the moment—I’d paid all the bills and she was coming at me with a fucking knife.
  3. Yes, in the heat of the moment—she seemed to like it. I don’t think she ever resolved those issues with her mother.

10. Are all women damaged vessels that you can exploit playing surrogate father to by acting like a wounded lamb in need of Medicare and titties to suckle?

  1. Yes. Titties to suckle.
  2. No. Titties to suckle?
  3. Hmmmmmmm.

11. Has a woman you loved ever treated you badly because your individual goals did not meet?

  1. Yes, I now have the words “gash-hound” written on my driver’s license.
  2. Yes, I now hate that bitch and will carry my resentment into my next relationship.
  3. Loved, lost, we are all interconnected atoms of tender, loving energies—there is only love. For her, there will be only love. And her titties; especially those.

12. Is love just mastering neglect when “Once you get what you want, you don’t want it anymore”?

  1. Yes, that is why I have my phone automatically set to reject all calls. I maximize the crazy in them, ride the stars.

Man riding unicorn in the stars
The stars in her vagina.

Scoring:

If you scored mainly A’s: Respect, LadyKiller.

If you scored mainly B’s: You are generally a normal, heterosexual guy.

If you scored mainly C’s: You are either a eunuch or Charles Bronson.

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