Congratulations on your recent purchase of the Michael Keaton White Noise Machine G-550. The Michael Keaton White Noise Machine G-550 combines superior audio quality, advanced technology and sterling highlights from Michael Keaton’s nearly 40 years in Hollywood!

Continue reading to learn more about each of the audio tracks on your new Michael Keaton White Noise Machine.

Ray Nicolette Quietly Breathing

Lie still in a dark room to the sounds of Michael Keaton as Ray Nicolette taking furtive breaths while he lies in ambush to shoot Samuel Jackson’s menacing Ordell Robbie during the climax of Quentin Tarantino’s Jackie Brown. Which was fine, I guess.

Michael Keaton in 1995

Soothe yourself to the audible rapture of Michael Keaton’s priceless integrity. Mr. Keaton appeared in at least one film from 1986 to 1994 consecutively, becoming a global superstar in the process. During this time he became most notable for his interpretation of Bruce Wayne as a brooding genius in the cultural touchstones of Batman and Batman Returns.

Mr. Keaton turned down a third turn as Batman due to his dissatisfaction with Joel Schumacher’s approval of a more light hearted and campy script for Batman Forever. After this first refusal, Warner Brothers offered Mr. Keaton a hefty $15 million which he still turned down. Think. About. That.

Ocean Waves

Chill out with these oscillating sound waves taken directly from the scouting footage for the aborted Tim Burton sequel Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian. It’s dismaying to think that the world may have been robbed of a quality sequel in the same tier as The Godfather Part II, Toy Story 2, or Son of the Mask. But, fuck, if we don’t at least have these unmatched maritime vibes.

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Shared uncomfortable silence between Michael Keaton as William “Robby” Robertson and Rachel McAdams as Sacha Pfeiffer after Sacha confronts Robby about a clergy abuse story that he buried in the Metro section of the Boston Globe on page B42 nearly 20 years prior to the events portrayed in Spotlight.

This economical yet powerful scene ties Mitchell Garabedian’s (portrayed by Stanley Tucci) earlier, salient point about how it must take a village to abuse a child if it takes a village to raise one, to the film’s thesis. Visualize the subtle look of compunction Mr. Keaton gives while intently gazing at the archived newspaper clipping in order to avoid betraying his shame and guilt to Ms. McAdams.

This masterful performance forced the audience to reconcile their disgust with, and complicity in, the true-life horrors that afflicted so many helpless individuals.

Bonus Audio!

Register your Michael Keaton White Noise Machine G-550 to get a free digital download of the Birdman (Or the Virtue of Ignorance) original score, composed by Antonio Sanchez.

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