Another eventful year has passed and the Millers are feeling SO BLESSED despite the fact that we are all agnostics or atheists. I want you all to know that we tried mightily to get a picture of the whole family where everyone was sober enough to stand still, but to no avail. So we just put a picture of our best-looking child on the cover of this year’s card.

We’ll try again next year, I promise!

We are so excited that Eric is off to Mexico next term to study Agave Tequila, which I believe is an Israeli folk song sung in Hebrew at Jewish celebrations. And his college has just completed its application for accreditation! So my first born is off and running, and not from the law this time.

Sue grew three inches this year so she is finally growing into those breasts of hers.

Our sweet Emilie is completing her 7th year of high school this year. She is trying to decide if she wants to go to Harvard or Yale, which may be a waste of time since she didn’t apply to either school due to her combined SAT score of 400. But so proud of my girl! She outscored me.

Lizzie is taking her 3rd gap year because she’s so good at it. She’s off to Africa to take selfies with impoverished starving people in the hopes of bringing some joy to their lives. She will always cherish the experience of helping lift Africa out of poverty, one selfie at a time! I think I forgot to mention our plain Jane in last year’s letter but suffice it to say that her pole dancing career didn’t work out because that sport is better suited to women who are less overweight. But undaunted, Janie has lifted her sights and is so enthusiastic about trying to become a movie star!

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Sue grew three inches this year so she is finally growing into those breasts of hers. She’s very popular with the boys and hopes to be rich and famous someday by using her God-given gifts, whatever those are.

Little Teddy has finally learned to read and is so enjoying middle school. He won first place in the Science Fair this year with a volcano his father made! And Johnny is settling down and applying everything he learned selling drugs on the street to selling drugs at school. Such an entrepreneur, that boy.

My baby Paul has just started talking. He skipped right over the “mama” and “dada” stage and went straight to “shit” and “dammit” which he says over and over while slamming his pudgy little fists onto the table. He’s a hit on YouTube!

And my current husband Bobby also had a wild year. The company threw him a surprise retirement party! He and I were so surprised to find out that he was retiring because he was hoping for a raise this year. But they went all out with a supermarket cake with plastic balloons on top. So festive!

As for me, I am writing a cookbook full of organic, free-range, sustainable, solar, caffeine-free pot recipes. But the most exciting part is that in order to keep people from gaining weight from my pot recipes, I’m working on recipes that incorporate Adderall. Step aside, Julia Child! Well, not literally of course, because she’s dead.

So, anyhoo, I can’t imagine how next year could be any better than this year for us Millers, unless maybe no one got arrested, impregnated, fired, force-retired or brought up on a restraining order. A girl can dream! But we wish you all a very HAPPY NEW YEAR (well, at least some of you, anyway)!

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Love and sloppy wet kisses from all of the Millers!

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