Date: Mon, Mar 19, 2018 at 9:16 AM
From: Chris Garcia ([email protected])
To: Jackie Webster ([email protected])
Cc: Bob Cobb ([email protected])
Subject: URGENT PLEASE READ: Client memo re: High Crimes and Calligraphy (PRIVILEGED and CONFIDENTIAL)
Good morning and Happy Monday!! Hope you and the kids enjoyed your time away. Glamping and big game hunting sound like a great combo! Just bringing you up to speed on some outstanding issues that bubbled up while you were on your screen fast. (How did that go, BTW?!)
Bob, the Regional Manager for the DC/VA branch, reached out while you were away (can’t wait to see the pics!) and I think we need to do something here at corporate.
On Tuesday, a claim was filed in D.C. from one of our government clients. Client Jones contacted the office seeking assistance in the review of a Non-Disclosure Agreement. Of course, contract review is one of our most lucrative product offerings, but this NDA is different. Our client lists their job title as “Special Assistant to the Special Assistant to the White House Calligrapher.” The NDA in question includes a payment (strange, right?!) and the liquidated damages for violations are $1,000,000 per hand-addressed leak to the “#fakenewsmedia.” (Our counsel is researching the use of hashtags in legal documents.)
Normally, Bob and his team could handle denying this claim on their own (they have a lot of practice!) but Client Jones is also requesting coverage for criminal counsel related to a subpoena for copies of all of the state dinner invitations, menu boards, meeting place cards, and Chuck and Nancy caricatures they have worked dating back to January 2017. In addition, Client Jones is concerned about their tools—ink pots, fountain pens and white noise machine with guided meditations from Oprah—being impounded by the FBI.
Our team in DC (and NY!) are not staffed up to handle the overwhelming amount of requests like the one from Client Jones. Our referral lists for attorneys willing to provide contracted services at a discount are balking at the complexity and the uniqueness of the claims.
As you always say, “Don’t come to me with a problem! Come to me with a solution!” so we huddled with marketing and product development to prepare the following memo for our clients. Rest assured, we will continue to deny most claims (keeping with standard operating procedure and our business model), but we will add certain product tiers for our high-potential, high-risk clients. (For these new tiers, government discount programs will not apply, but AAA and AARP will work.)
My team and I are excited to hear your thoughts on this. We’re planning on teasing the new plans in a promoted tweet and a 30-second spot on cable news.
Best!
Chris
MEMORANDUM (DRAFT)
TO: Our valued clients
FROM: Your leadership team, Professional Pre-Paid Legal
RE: High Crimes and Misdemeanors and Related Offenses
In recent weeks at both the DC/Northern Virginia and Mid-town Manhattan offices, we have received multiple inquiries regarding our assistance for issues related, but not limited to, grand jury subpoenas, pardons, non-disclosure agreements (signed and unsigned and those utilizing multiple names and aliases) and violations of 18. U.S.C. Section 1001 (commonly referred to as “making false statements.”) Our tax division has also fielded questions related to income from foreign sources and money laundering.
The above-listed activities are not included in our standard Peace of Mind Plan. For clients in those plans, these types of issues and questions involve complex and/or time-consuming issues of the sort that would be included in the “If You Require More” section of the Plan and eligible for up to a 25% discount. (Individual rates, terms, and discounts vary by provider and are based on individual circumstances and will not apply in every case, such as employees of the Federal Government.) For example, based upon some of the questions we have received from clients, a guilty plea for a lesser included charge of making false statements that is part of a negotiated deal to serve as a cooperating witness before a federal grand jury would fall into the “If You Require More” area.
The good news for our Peace of Mind Plan holders is that your plan does cover ancillary issues like personal bankruptcy and divorce, based on all outstanding accounts being current and payments up to date.
We understand the frustration that many of our impacted clients have felt and wish to be nimble and responsive to your needs. As such, we are delighted to announce several new products for our portfolio. The Silver Special Counsel Plan provides additional coverage to our clients who have “special” legal requirements. For those clients requiring even more individualized assistance, the Gold-Gilt Family Plan provides coverage for multiple members of the same family. (Note: Eligibility requirements and fees are determined on a case-by-case basis, and not all applicants will qualify for coverage. Some services under the Gold-Gilt Family Plan will be subsidized by funding provided by unnamed Political Action Committees, donations to national political parties (or party), and/or individual Kickstarter campaigns or charity golf outings. Not all services available for state law claims brought by the Attorney General in New York. Additionally, none of our pre-paid plans cover treason.)
While we are unable to provide referrals outside of our network of trained legal professionals for clients whose needs are not addressed, we have provided some useful links on our website where you will be able to learn more about mental health and counseling services, outplacement and job search information, and, for those who are interested, classes from The Learning Annex about writing your best-selling, tell-all memoir.
Thank you all for your business and your continued patience during these unique and stressful times. We look forward to speaking with you. (All communications may be monitored or recorded for training and compliance purposes.)