By contributing writer Nic P.

It all begins in grade seven, when everyone does it and no one talks about it. Fast forward to grade eleven: now everyone talks about it, and everyone does it. Now you’re in college and you’re supposed to be having "adult sex," so why are you still masturbating so much? There, did you feel that wave of guilt rush through your body when I just accused you of masturbating? Don’t worry, that’s normal. It is wrong to masturbate and you should feel horribly guilty about your unclean hands and closets full of damp Kleenex. But, read on for some handy defense mechanisms that can help justify your unbreakable addiction to hitchhiking under the big-top.

Luckily for you, our scientists have developed a clever acronym that they describe as a "no-fail rationalization for jerkin’ it." Next time you feel the searing flames of unpleasant guilt burning through your soul like the fire of a barbecue gently tickling your delicious hamburger (a fire that has its practical uses but if touched would burn your finger tips off) remember… RADISH!

Repression.
Avoidance.
Denial.
Identification.
Splitting.
Humor.

Repression

The key to any good mental defense mechanism is repression. It will weasel its way into every one of them. You can’t feel guilty if you don’t let yourself. Science may have "proven" that repressing emotions is detrimental to human development, but science also "proved" that the world was flat, initially. So, take everything "science" says with a grain of salt, and get repressin’!


The 18th century "repression jock strap." (For emergencies only. Not for use with Viagra.)

Avoidance

The reason you feel guilty about masturbating is that you’re afraid of what everyone will say and think about you. So, what if we could get rid of everyone altogether? Now we’re talking… to nobody! You may decide that removing everyone from the Earth is a little bit too much work. As an alternative, why not try removing yourself from social situations? Doors have locks for a reason, maybe you should utilize them.

Denial

Ah, denial. Alcoholics use it. Crackheads use it. Catholic priests use it. And now you can use it, too! Take this scenario, for example:

Bob (inquisitively): Hey Fred, do you masturbate?
Fred (sweating bullets): No I don’t, Bob.

See? Bob doesn’t suspect a thing, and Fred can now go home and masturbate with impunity.

Identification

This one’s just like avoidance, in opposite form. Instead of removing yourself from society, surround yourself with other like-minded, masturbators. In doing so, you will have created an entirely new society that says "okay" to self-pleasure. Way to go, Sandino! On the topic of revolutionary politics, why not consider starting your own political party? As the candidate for the "Five Finger Alliance Party," you’ll be out pumping hands and spreading the seed…of your philosophy.

Splitting

Remember in Raising Cain when John Lithgow splits his personality into four distinct individuals – himself, his brother, his dad, and his mom? You can do this too! Create an alter-ego of your own. You can walk around with clean hands all day long, and "Masturbating Ed" can do the dirty work. You’ll always be satisfied and never know why. And, while you’re at it, why not create a few more alter egos to allow you to remain guilt free. "Surly Gene" is perfect to do the laundry, so you’re not left wondering why you have so many sticky socks. Feeling pressured by questioning parents? Get "Dishonest Clint" to tell your parents you were writing poetry inspired by the wilderness of Canada when you locked yourself in the bathroom. That’s when the questions will stop; nobody reads poetry inspired by the wilderness of Canada.

Humor

Sadly, this is the most commonly used mechanism for dealing with the guilt of performing the secret Masonic self-handshake. Joking about masturbation is just a lame attempt to hide shame in humor. Take this scenario, for example:

Bob (inquisitively): Hey Fred, do you masturbate?
Fred (obviously not masturbating): Sure do, Bob! I’m masturbating right now!

By joking about his addiction, Fred not only makes himself feel better, but also puts those around him at ease with his quick wit and dry humor. Unfortunately, when Fred returns to his "house of spank," all of the jokes in the world won’t save him from his shame. It is recommended that you only use this mechanism in emergency social situations, as the long term effects can be devastating.

In the end, RADISH isn’t just a witty acronym – it’s a real tool to help you through difficult times. We all know that once you start masturbating, you’re never going to quit. Which is why this is one touchy subject you should never stop studying for.

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