In a week’s time, I’ll be going to see The Vagina Monologues. A friend of mine is performing, and as friends do, I tried to help by distributing flyers. The plan was to get drunk, walk around the local pub, and see if I could curry some interest. The response was a sure sign of how insecure women are about their sexuality, how little they want equality when boxed in a male-dominated world, and how sexually inadequate men are these days. Here we’ll discuss pruning, intercourse, rape (which by the way is sometimes bad and never funny), orgasms, and birthing. Welcome to Jamie’s Mecca of Poon!

An Intro

The vagina is an opening of sensitive fibers situated frontside to the anus and below the breasts. It is probably the one part a woman might consider too ugly to change, other than in the reduction of its length, which is just absurd. Despite this, they seem to allow the lubrication, dilation, and contraction of the vagina to alter their behavior.

A woman’s gait adjusts depending on whether she’s had a vaginal orgasm or not, so the way she walks will determine how other women fuck us with their eyes. Since the vagina is the final barrier to overcome in a woman, they seem to foolishly believe that its upkeep is of utmost importance, without even realizing that ever since puberty, men have been sticking their dicks in between pillows and mattresses in the absence of pussy. And if a bed isn’t readily available then it’s just a descending list of progressively unhealthy objects.

But without further adieu…

Pubic Hair

Pubic hair is a strange thing; the older I get, the less it becomes an issue. Moreso, I’m starting to become less attracted to women who wax or even tend their pubic region. This is the complete opposite to how I felt in my early twenties, late-teens, early-teens and prepubic era.

True story: when reading a Playboy when I was younger, due to the less graphic photography I thought the vagina was more centrally located, like lower-abdomen, where all the fluff was. Anyhow, to me a woman is the pubic triangle; anything else is just making love to a giblet.

And her vagina.

Gallagher smashing a watermelon

With hair, there’s just more to admire; it’s like having the full chicken. And I’ve found that a woman’s behavior changes with the loss of hair. She becomes more pretentiously assertive, overly giggly, and air-headed. I do believe the thickness of a woman’s pubis defines her confidence, her sexual magnetism, and ability to look a man in the eye as more than "just another insensitive boy-cunt."


Foreplay

Everybody knows that true foreplay for a woman is achieved through the fine art of saying stuff—things like, "You look pretty" and, "I’d like to taste your hair" (© 2013). Women loooove good poetry.

Once the conversation has been initiated, and her forcefield is down, all you need are these guidelines:

  • Things that make the vagina lubricate: Laughter, wallets, holidays
  • Things that make the vagina dilate: Fists, babies, money
  • Things that make the vagina contract: Wrists, orgasms, electricity
  • Things that make the vagina dry up: Forceps, forearms, the tears of men

Congratulations, you are well on your way to becoming the dream lover you’ve always wanted to be.


Intercourse

Men and women strive for different things during the intercourse of the vagina; sex is, after all, the only way we may communicate how much we love you. When I’m inside a woman, the sensation is best described as snug, but it doesn’t take more than two quick movements before the contractions start and I’m able to orgasm. Some women have called me "an anomaly" or "blessed." I don’t know, I’m usually catching up on my Z’s by that point.

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Man and woman in bed after sex
You’re right, it was good for me.

The key here is pace. If you’re going to go steady-like, that’s cool, but her vagina will grow accustomed. Yawning might become frightfully commonplace. My advice is to move at violent angles, sporadically, catch her off guard, and use up all available space. Destroy that pussy. Wreck it. Make it yours.


Vibrators

Vibrators make me feel shamefully inadequate as a man because I don’t have a rotating head and beads at the base (although I’d be able to develop the beads if allowed a more promiscuous lifestyle). And yet if I’m honest, as most men will be when they hear this, when a woman says, "It’s how he uses it…" I’m like the second-last kid on the bench because in my head I’m thinking "ME, LADY! I’M ONE OF THOSE GUYS! PICK ME! PICK ME!"

Then we have The Sybian. What the fuck!? How the hell am I supposed to compete with something that massages and bathes the inside of a woman’s brain? A woman who climaxes on this thing when done with the experience just… kinda… slides off of it. Like a wet sock being dragged along the ground.

If a man loves a woman, this should be his idea of "a cheeky gift" to see what all the fuss is about, but so put-out will your masculinity be with how attached she gets to it that when you twist the key in the lock after a long day’s work you’ll actually be praying it’s the next door neighbor giving her a good once-over. Get used to having The Sybian crop up in family photos.


Orgasms

In ancient times they believed that a woman’s climax was an exorcism. Now, it is a means by which women can build on our reputations. Science says that a woman’s gait adjusts depending on whether she’s had a vaginal orgasm or not, so the way she walks will determine how other women fuck us with their eyes and how fellow men high-five us—because vaginal orgasms are rare and difficult to achieve.

To the women out there, if you would like to have more orgasms in your life, maybe understanding a man’s orgasm would be your first step to understanding your own. After all, orgasms are our endgame, so understanding our psychology might give you a better way of communicating how you would like us to perform on your vagina in the future. Remember, the keyword here is "understanding."


5 Steps to Male Psychology

1. The Build-Up

Essentially the best bit before the release point (see Wizard Level 2), and probably the sex itself. I don’t know about you guys, but I always feel like I’m letting someone down when I can’t go any longer, because really, the one thought that consistently goes through my head is, "You know what? Fuck it. Fuck her!"

2. The Release Point

Fuck. Fuck yes! Fuck. Fuck. Yes. Oh man. FUCK!

3. The Rage

As women are wont to point out, men don’t like to feel vulnerable. We’ve gone through the joy of the love-making stage—or as I call it, intercoursing—we’ve experienced the height of it with the one-two hit combo of build-up and release, and now, once we’ve experienced such a three-four second intensity, only to find that it’s staying with us a little while longer, that can be frustrating.

I mean, we’re enjoying it, but at the same time we’re thinking about what else we could be doing (like eating), or whether the next door neighbor is in the closet with a knife just waiting for such a moment of weakness.

4. The Chill

A shiver as if to say, "Shit. You know I’d forgotten just how much LIFE FUCKING ROCKS?"

It’s at this point we begin to feel drowsy, like we want to do it all over, like right now, just after a cold one, maybe a smoke… a doze… some 30 Rock.

5. The Sleep

Vagi-wha’? Honey, the fridge is making a funny noise like talking. Shut it off, would you?

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If we still want to stay awake and talk with you after all is done, it’s usually to find a roundabout way of asking what went wrong. Like, why isn’t our junk doing the same thing it did that other time.

I have dangerous, rapey eyes when I ejaculate. Don’t worry about this. It isn’t you. It’s me. But if you’ve really done God’s work then it will look as though I’m trying to sneeze with my eyes open, but in slow motion. This is called "the koala being petted."


Rape

Women are some of the worst rapists I know, and let’s face it, if they could grow dicks, what with humanity’s astounding track-record, they would be totally raping the shit out of us right now.

Do I know the emotional burden of penetration? No. Would I like to? Possibly. But I would have to insist she not get angry for all those birthdays Daddy didn’t buy her a pony. And it would have to be a strap-on dildo. Using a vibrator would be too gay.


Childbirth

People say that birthing is a beautiful thing, which I would believe if it were my child. But there is a part of me that secretly feels I’ll resent any progeny of mine in witnessing what they’ve done to my significant other’s genitals.

See, going down on a woman is probably my favorite pasttime next to jamming to Jimi Hendrix, an indulgence ruined in having seen my first-born’s entrance into this world. I’ll be reliving the constant fear of having an alien baby-head push its way out of my significant other to tenderly kiss me on the mouth.


Conclusion

A woman who tries to destroy a man as a result of the misunderstanding of self can never be a true woman. The reverse also applies. Men and women have a responsibility to each other to strive towards their strengths in a manner that minimizes antagonistic energies and thereby works towards congruent force, a constructive outcome whereby baggage is abandoned and the relationship’s future determined, developed, and differences overcome.

To respect sex is the ultimate goal. Men think along the lines of conquerors, women as acceptors. To accept the emotional and physical vulnerability a woman must experience through love-making is to acknowledge and respect her circular psychology, to support her beyond the ultimatum of our linear patterns the true definition of provider, caregiver, lover and partner—someone worth being cherished and nurtured beyond superficial aggressions.

When a woman says any of the following eleven things, it means her vagina is not ready for you yet:

  1. I’m ill.
  2. I have a headache.
  3. I’m on my period.
  4. No.
  5. No, just… no.
  6. Yes.
  7. I’m pregnant (you’re not the dad).
  8. I’m pregnant (you’re the dad).
  9. Oh, not this again.
  10. Honey, I’m in a meeting.
  11. You’ve been drinking.

To neglect the emotional is to not only fail the woman but also to fail ourselves, for women truly are the better halves of the species as a result of their natural disposition, natural biology, and natural chemistry to protect, comfort, and promote solace within individuals even at their own expense when our pathways lean towards the destructive so as to reproduce more efficiently and to a wider scale. We are, after all, entering a true free-thinking, self-aware emotional era; what better way to approach it than to embrace those who have understood what it means to struggle against such destructive idioms for so long without the use of heavy artillery?

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