Here’s the thing, Carl. I know we’re friends. In fact, I’ve probably said you’re my best friend to a couple of people once or twice. Which isn’t even true. Jesus is my best friend. And yeah, I know we’re roommates. And yeah, I get that the yogurt in the fridge belongs to you.

But here’s the thing, Carl. You need to stop saying schadenfreude all the time.

Because no, Carl, saying schadenfreude all the time does not make you seem smarter. Because for one thing, I know for a fucking fact that schadenfreude is the only German word you know. Try saying kugelschreiber or apfelsaft in a sentence and have it actually mean something. Maybe then I’ll be impressed. Maybe.

Also, Carl, chicks do not dig you more for saying schadenfreude all the time. They just don’t, ok?

Because here’s the other thing. Buzz Aldrin did not feel schadenfreude about John Glenn, Khruschev did not feel schadenfreude about Kennedy, and the Beatles did not feel schadenfreude about Elvis. They just didn’t, ok? You’re just completely off base here. Yes I’m fucking calling you out.

Wait a minute. Where are you going? Don’t start playing Call of Duty. I’m fucking talking to you.

Do you know what I did the other day? Carl, are you listening? The other day I was playing with my three year old niece, Hailey. We were sitting in the grass behind the house. And do you know what she said? She pointed at a cat, and she said schadenfreude. I have no idea where she’s getting that from. Actually, I know exactly where she’s getting that from. She’s getting that from you, Carl. Stop talking to my three year old niece. I’m fucking serious.

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Because here’s the other thing, Carl. Jesus is going to judge you. When you die, Jesus is going to judge you for saying schadenfreude all the time. That is not going to go well for you Carl. Mark my words.

What did you just say? Did you just say je ne sais quoi? Because here’s the thing, Carl. If you start saying je ne sais quoi all the goddamn time I swear to God I’m going to fucking murder you.

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