The Fresh Meat Initiative

If food runs out, each UK resident will be allowed to eat one family member from the house to the left of theirs. This will not only supply each family with a month’s supply of meat, but also give each family one less mouth to feed.

(Note: please avoid Mrs. Edith Pugh at 25 Puddington Lane, Frimly-on-Thames, who currently has a gangrenous leg and will not taste very nice.)

A New Currency

If the pound plummets to junk status, Great Britain will return to the barter system. The value of items will be decided according to its value in livestock. For example: a loaf of bread will cost one sheep. A glass of beer will be two sheep. A sheep, however, will be three sheep, as we fully expect that sheep will also devalue over time, and the country will be forced to switch to the more robust currency of “oxen.”

A Housing Initiative

If house prices/rent prices become completely unaffordable, citizens will be allocated their own cardboard box, along with a place in a local sewer to keep the rain off their heads. The upper classes, however, will be allocated their own hedgerow, where they’ll be able to inbreed with each other to their heart’s desire and shout racist abuse at any foreigners who have unwisely chosen to visit England’s green and pleasant land.

The Dismantling of the National Health Service

As nobody will have any money, there will be no way to pay for our beloved National Health Service, so we’ll be forced to examine the next best option and go back to the days of shamans, witch doctors, court wizards, and wise old crones. In other words, illnesses will no longer be diagnosed by the method of scientific deduction, but by staring into a cauldron and chanting, “double, double, toil and trouble.”

A Great British Education

After our ultimate aim of delivering a no-deal Brexit has been achieved, we will be in a perfect position to give our children the great British education they deserve. The syllabus for both primary and secondary education will revolve around British values, British science, British math, British history, British geography, and will ignore any so-called “knowledge” passed down from Ancient Greece or the Italian Renaissance.

“God save the Queen” will also be sung at every school assembly, and each child will be expected/forced to cry during each verse. The lack of food, human rights, or any kind of positive future, should definitely help in this regard.

In addition to this, any child heard muttering the word “Europe” will be beaten with a large twig.

New Trade Initiatives

After Europe has decided that they’ll be “absolutely fine without the UK, thank you very much” we will be in the enviable position of being able to trade with any non-EU country we desire: Serbia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Macedonia, Ukraine, and many other fine nations upon which we hope to model ourselves in the future.

And, of course, let us not forget our steadfast ally, the USA.

I know I speak on behalf of every single one of the British people when I say that President Trump is the kind of forward-thinking world leader in whom we can really put our trust for a brighter future. We genuinely look forward to developing our “special relationship” even further, perhaps even to the point of “third base”, which I believe is an American term used to describe a truly close bond between two people.

As such, we must make it clear to President Trump that a trade deal with the UK will result in him getting to “third base” with our country on a daily basis, and that we’ll quite happily accept all the friendship he can force upon us.

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