We’ve all been arrested, and if you haven’t, then you probably haven’t lived life the way it was meant to be lived. Obviously, it should not be a daily occurrence, or even something you seek out. Much like putting Windex in someone’s drink, it has to be spontaneous. That is really the only way it will be seen as funny and legitimate.

Although there are many ways to get arrested, the real art happens once the handcuffs are on. Here are some last ditch efforts that may get you out of a tight bind.

Cop cars with officers arresting people

Explain that you did it for a sick child.

No matter why you’re getting arrested, claim that you were doing it for a sick or disabled child.

"Sorry I was pissing on your car officer, but my little brother is dying of cancer and his last wish for me to piss on a cop car. I really didn’t have a choice. If you take me to prison it was worth it…for Timmy."

"Yeah I got in a fight with that asshole over there, he was just about to go to the children’s cancer ward dressed as the grim reaper. That is unethical and disgusting…I had to do something."

"Officer, I respect and support everything you do for our community. I am a huge contributor to society as well. Actually, funny story, I was just drinking at the bar when I got a call from the hospital. I’m a match for someone who desperately needs bone marrow. I need to get there immediately, which is why I decided driving on a couple of drinks was worth saving a life."

"Sorry I was speeding officer, but I was trying to stop that man in front of me who was driving a Prius. He had a child in the front seat I needed to save!"

(When a child is stuck in a car with a man driving a Prius, by the Laws of War, torture is being committed. Any cop with an ounce of dignity will understand and let you off with a warning. Even better, he’ll agree and let you chase that son of a bitch down to beat his ass.)

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Offer up your best sexual favors.

One of the oldest tricks in the book is to use sexual favors to avoid the cold, steel bars of prison. It may be your last chance to have a say in who you have sex with…so give it all you’ve got.

Girl getting arrested

"Hey officer, I’ll blow you to get out of this."

"I know I’m being arrested for [insert crime here] but I’m also a pretty renowned prostitute in these parts. They call me Squeaky Dumpster. I’ll do some weird shit to get out of this…"

"Oh man, my boyfriend/girlfriend will be so mad about this, I’m going to miss another one of our scheduled orgies with all of his/her model friends….damn. Hey, actually, want to come? Fabio/Ferrari couldn’t make it tonight, we have room for one more!"

This one can be a little risky if the officer agrees. It all depends how far away your house is, and how much access you have to a couple of sexy ass models who are down for an orgy. You may be in even deeper shit than what you were initially being booked for.

Insult the officers.

There is a very little chance that insulting the officer will do anything but ram the long dick of the law further into your ass. However, the one benefit of a well-placed insult is, of course, that a cop will beat you mercilessly and some bystander will capture it on film. If you’re lucky, your video may even go viral, garnering national support for your plight. Public outcry may get you an early release, or it may land you in a dark alley where the cops will just use you for target practice.

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Here are a few of my favorite insults:

"Hey officer, I could kick you and your buddy’s ass right here and now, no problem. Even with your pussy-ass batons. Bet you I could knock both of you out faster than you could hit me once."

"Hey officer, how does it feel to know that I made more during my summer job in middle school than you make in a whole year?"

"Alright, jokes over. You guys are the fattest strippers I’ve ever seen. You’re company needs to hire some talent. You smell like old goat sex and homelessness."

At the top of your lungs scream: "He’s arresting me because I’m a gay African-American, Asian, Latino who supports Obama! This is a hate crime!"

(Note: This only works in a very liberal states. In Texas, the people watching will shoot you before the cops get a chance.)

So, next time you get arrested for spray painting Disney characters on the side of your local Walmart, drunk, while riding a horse (in Idaho that’s still a DUI), remember these crafty ways to get out of it. It might just save you from prison and all that inevitable bad butt stuff.

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