Dear Ladies,

Thanks for enrolling in our ski and snowboard program. I’m Justin and I’m super excited to be this year’s program coordinator. Like you, I’m looking forward to four sessions of awesome skill development and fresh-air fun.

On that note (fun), last year’s coordinator suggests I gently point out that, while participants are welcome to bring their own music and snacks, alcohol is not allowed on the group bus that brings you from the city to our Rockies resort. Please save that type of celebration (boozy) for when you get home at the end of the day.

See you slope-side!

-J


Hello Ladies.

I hope you all enjoyed last week’s session. There were a few glitches, it being the first day of the program and all. I don’t want to sound defensive or pass the blame, but I had divided you into groups based on the ski/snowboard abilities you reported on your online registration forms. I did not anticipate that your skillsets would change because you did not want to be in a group with “that bitch.”

Where are your Canadian manners?

It also did not occur to me that so many of you would prefer to be in the group taught by Nigel, our instructor from England, who does indeed have a hot accent and a man-bun. He should be wearing a helmet. Our Canadian instructors, male and female, all helmeted, have more training than that guy. Just saying.

One additional note: it has come to my attention that a few ladies, who must not have read my introductory email last week, consumed alcohol on the bus ride back to the city. The driver found credible evidence that Caesars had been mixed in the bus washroom. (It could just be me, but I think clam juice, whether or not it is being used for mixing Caesars, is something that should never be in a bathroom.)

I remind you that the bus is not licensed to carry open alcohol. That includes vodka. As my mother would say, don’t let a few bad apples ruin it for the lot.

Bring your snorkels next week—a powder day is in the forecast!

-J


Ladies. Seriously?

It seems that there are more than a few bad apples on the bus. The driver told me that the drinking of alcohol is now being done openly, and vigorously, in the passenger areas of the bus, perhaps because the washroom has been taken over by smokers of, as the driver heard it referred to, “the devil’s lettuce.” Ladies, it may be that decades ago, perhaps in your teen years, booze and weed were part of the ski and snowboard experience but, come on, let’s move forward.

I should also add a caveat to my initial email that encouraged you to bring your own snacks and music. Snacks are still fine, of course. With regard to music, however, the bus driver says that if he hears any more arguing about music selections his head will blow off. Just as our instructors encourage you to take small steps out of you comfort zone in order to expand you skiing and snowboarding skills, please try a similar approach with your music.

That said, the bus driver has agreed to create a “one-size” Canadian playlist that alternates Michael Buble, Drake, and some deep, yet similar sounding, indie tunes.

And, no, Nigel will not come on the bus and say words like “bangers and mash” as some of you have (jokingly? racist-ly? pornographically?) requested. Nigel is more than a colonial stereotype. He is an instructor. Although, by not wearing a helmet, he is in breach of his employment contract.

I thank you for your numerous emails and face-to-face comments regarding the term “ladies.” Good to know.

Ski/snowboard hard and laugh often!

-J


Women,

The bus driver said he smelled Yukon Jack in everyone’s coffee on the morning bus ride. He also said that the breakfast snacks, the ones from the Tupperware container labeled “Please Return to Anonymous” contained not only bran buds, but also other buds. While I did not notice anyone impaired at the morning meet-up—I mean it seemed, at least until lunchtime, like you were all keeping it between the posts—I am disappointed, as I am sure you all are, that I am now forced to ban snacks along with alcohol and music.

Regarding lunch, I thought that bringing in a professional boot fitter would be a good way to pass the hour in the lodge. A proper boot fit is essential to good skiing and snowboarding. I am not sure how taking off your boots led to the shooter board. Using the cafeteria trays to toboggan down the lodge stairs was dangerous, as were the rest of the day’s unsanctioned activities. The only upside was that the participant who stole the bus and gave all of you a ride to Nigel’s apartment in the staff village (where, according to another participant, Nigel made “a fuckload of lame curry”) was sober and actually knew how to drive a bus.

Next week, in order to ensure the ongoing safety of all involved, we will be using a bus and driver on loan from a local corrections facility. Passengers (that means you) will be required to stay in their seats and sit on their hands while the bus is in motion but, once you arrive at the hill, you will be able to enjoy the rugged scenery and winter activities in small groups overseen by an off-duty prison guards.

“The mountains shall bring peace to the people.” (famous quote from somewhere, no time to check cite, sorry, paperwork and legal claims piling up here)

-J

P.S. Nigel is fine. My mother is helping him with his job search.
P.P.S The enrollment form for the next round of lessons is being revised and will be online soon.

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